Pastoral Candidates
Posted by: tz8cy5 <tz8cy5@...>
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being
considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told
of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone
to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts
seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to
share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in
dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering
at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David:_The most promising leader of all until we discovered the
affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those
wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his
former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle
his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting
things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on
the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has
trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey
by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he
might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might
fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does
this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work
records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to
supply a birth date. (This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition
has it that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the
lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one.
Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and
provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to
curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a
loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However,
short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been
known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at
first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow
workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an
insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow
along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he
managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to
twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course,
he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative.
Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to
preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.