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Quotable Quotes

Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>

QUOTABLE QUOTES

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably
be Labor Day weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need
it. --Bob Hope

I know there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I
hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought:
What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and
probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits
singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a
child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --
Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they
will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth
about its author. --G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you
count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted
by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the register open and the toilets
locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate --Franklin
P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you.
--Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I
didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to
those places. --Henny Youngman

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
--Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you
will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L.
Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the
things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward