SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #163 ---- 2/19/01
Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>
As We fight The Good Fight In This New Millennium
SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #163 ---- 2/19/01
Title: "I Couldn't Care Less!"
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Dear Friend and Fellow Soldier in the Battle:
Today I greet you with a full heart again, challenges notwithstanding.
This past week has been particularly enjoyable for a couple reasons ----
first, I've had some time to relax a bit and do some things with Jo Ann;
and, second, the responses I've received from last week's letter are
overwhelmed me. I'm really surprised.
For example:
#1. "Thanks, I needed that! Six months into this 'nightmare' . . . and
at times I feel bitter and resentful because so many hopes and dreams are
on hold right now. Our life is pretty much on hold. I need to know
others are praying and that others really do care. I know some of our
friends probably get tired of it --- but they sure aren't as tired as we
are of it. . . . Thanks again for your letters each week. I drink them
all in and they sustain me."
#2. "Thank you, Bob, for CARING! It is because of your compassionate
heart, your love for God and His people, that I, and so many others,
write to you simply
because we know that you understand and genuinely care for us. And I for
one, have never met you! However, I look upon you as one to whom I may
turn for spiritual help, guidance and prayer.
"It is so vital to have a brother in Christ that has such a great heart
for God and His servants. Your Shoulder to Shoulders have ministered to
me, as well as the e-mails we have shared, and a 'phone call or two.
"God bless you, my brother! I'm still in the transition stage, waiting
upon God. I'm praying and keeping the hammer going! (CHS). I will keep
you informed."
#3. "Thank you, Pastor, for your words on caring. I believe we as
pastors sometimes have a hard time dealing with 'caring.' We sometimes
are misunderstood by others who think our concern a little too much like
a
Messiah complex. I try to be aware that there is only one
Messiah/Shepherd
but we are called to be under-shepherds.
"I have had difficulty sleeping more than once as individuals or families
have strayed from the flock. Adolescents are especially vulnerable as
they 'try their wings.' 'Let go so they can grow' is a tough one to
follow at times.
"Anyway, your notes have much meaning and it is wonderful to hear of your
experience in Kiev."
#4. A TESTIMONIAL: This one particularly blessed me because it is from
a pastor I met several years ago who has gone through the fire and God
allowed me the privilege of walking through some of the coals with him.
Rejoice with me over His faithfulness in restoring this brother.
"I have taken a new pastorate. . . . . the vote was 98%. I was stunned
and really wasn't looking to pastor again. However, God had different
ideas, and I gave me to Him a long time ago, and while I may not have
been the most enthusiastic candidate, these folk and the Lord would not
take 'no' for an answer. I even told them that taking this pastorate
would probably do me more good that it would them.
"God is blessing and using me, I must confess that I wasn't sure He could
or wanted to after the last church, but here I am.
" . . . The people are great, and know of my past difficulties. They are
so supportive. . . . . The attitude is totally different than any place
I have ever been
and the expectations on me are not as extreme.
" . . . I have made some wonderful friends already, in fact one fellow is
pretty much a soul mate. I do know how Jonathan and David felt towards
one another.
"Its hard to put into words the attitude they have and the attitude I
have. Only thing I can say is God changed my mind to match my heart I
guess. We want to be the church God called us out to be.
"I guess what I am saying is that God is bigger than any problem or
situation we find ourselves in. I always knew that, but now have
experienced it firsthand. I would never recommend going through what I
did to find that out, but I do know Him in a new and wonderful way.
"Thanks for allowing me to ramble, and if you want to share any of this
feel
free. We think of you often, and want to say thanks for being there
every
Monday."
Hallelujah, Lord! You are so good!
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I DON'T CARE:
Words cannot describe the things that have gone through my mind since
pushing the "send" button on last weeks letter. There were so many more
things that swept over me like wave after wave of both questions and
insight regarding the subject. Some of those thought were triggered by
responses from readers.
One thing that happened was I began remembering many common phrases you
and I often use about the subject:
"I really Do care, you know."
"I know just how you feel."
"If I didn't care so much, I'd . . . ."
"The devil may care."
"Who cares, anyhow?"
"Why should I care?
"I don't care."
"Go ahead; it doesn't bother me."
"If you don't care, I don't."
"I don't have a care in the world."
But, perhaps the most painful words to hear from someone is, "I really
don't care." Wives have fallen into states of hopelessness and despair
when they have heard their husbands say that to them. Husbands have
become so exasperated that they have quit trying to be better when they
have heard their wives speak such words from their own bitter hearts.
Children have been stripped of any motivation to succeed or have lost all
sense of self esteem when parents have made such calloused comments.
Parents have been moved to tears of last resort when children have turned
on them with such hateful words.
Pastors have given up and left the ministry because enough people implied
they no longer cared.
It's a devastating and destructive statement ---- "I really don't care
anymore."
But, what does it mean?
If, as I wrote last week, we can understand a bit about what caring is,
where it comes from, and how it is expressed, maybe we can also discover
some things about how not caring affects people and why we find ourselves
sometimes just not caring.
HOW I DON'T CARE:
When I have come to the point of no longer caring, how is it
demonstrated?
1. When I no longer care, I lose interest. It's an amazing phenomenon
that we lose interest in things about which we do not care. For example,
I don't care who wins the NBA title this year ---- or any year for that
matter. For all I care, the whole league could disband.
Consequently, because I don't care about the NBA, I have no interest in
it. I'm not interested in attending a game, helping pay their outrageous
salaries by buying expensive tickets.
2. When I no longer care, I quit trying. I remember as a young boy I
wanted to be a great baseball player. Not professionally, mind you, but
just as a young man. However, when I discovered my own inabilities, I
became discouraged. And when I became so discouraged that I no longer
cared, I immediately quit trying.
I've seen this in marriages, and I've seen it in churches. When a woman
is hurt deeply to the point that she no longer cares about her marriage,
I guarantee you she'll quit trying. When an employee can no longer
handle the berating from his boss, he will lose interest in his job, he
will no longer care, and he will quit trying.
When a pastor sees so little fruit to his ministry over a long period of
time, he'd better watch it, because he'll get to the point that he
doesn't care anymore. Then he'll quit trying, and will resort to playing
the game and being satisfied with the status quo.
3. When I no longer care, I lose sight of the other person or the
project. What we really don't understand sometimes is that not caring is
often caused by our turning our attention inward. I begin caring too
much about myself, my interests, my security, my reputation, my . . . my
. . . . my!
When I become so self centered, I will most certainly no longer care
about the welfare and needs of others. When that happens, then I lose
sight of that person. He becomes someone lost at sea, hidden by the
raging waves that block him from view.
4. When I no longer care, I emotionally go elsewhere. I have yet to see
a man just pick up his bags and leave home to get involved with another
woman unless he has first allowed himself to no longer care about his
wife and his children. My friend, I tell you the truth ---- if he really
cares about his family . . . I mean Really cares . . . . he'll never
allow himself to get into a situation where compromise is ever an
alternative.
However, I've seen husbands leave wives and pastors leave churches
because they quit caring. And, when they quit caring, they emotionally
went elsewhere. And, it isn't long before they physically follow where
their emotions have already gone.
5. When I no longer care, others suffer the consequence. Perhaps we
fail to realize that there is a domino effect to not caring. It extends
beyond yourself. When you don't care, you're not only damaging yourself,
but you're systematically destroying the life, the hope, the dreams, the
character of at least one other person, and probably many more.
I know of a church that has been terribly damaged because one of its
staff members quit caring. He didn't think that would affect anyone
else. He could go ahead and pretend and play the game, but people knew.
People knew he didn't care about how he did his work, he didn't care who
his hateful attitude wounded, and he didn't care about his own testimony.
That church still suffers today because one guy didn't care.
6. When I no longer care, people in need remain people in need. If I
don't care about those little orphans I described last week, there is one
less chance that they'll ever be helped. If the police didn't care,
they'd still be on the streets.
When I don't care about the homeless, the alcoholic, the prostitute, the
broken family, the discouraged teen, those precious people remain in
their terrible condition. You see, caring is what energizes us into
action. If it does not, it isn't true caring.
I love the great quote of questions: "If not me, who? If not here,
where? If not now, when?" If we care, we don't even have to ask.
7. When I no longer care, more lives are lost forever. Sometimes our
failing to care enough becomes the last straw. That person has had so
many cross his path who didn't care, that our not caring was more than he
could take. That church has had so many pastors who really didn't care
that when the last one left, they just closed the doors.
I pray to God that we realize how final it is for some when we quit
caring. There is no tomorrow.
It is a dangerous thing to quit caring. It is a road to certain
destruction ---- either yours, or someone else's.
If you have quit caring, my friend, you're in a crisis situation ----
critical ---- terminal. You'd better do something about it before it's
too late.
WHY I DON'T CARE:
1. Sometimes I don't care because I don't want to be hurt again. There
is no doubt that caring makes you vulnerable. My mother was hurt deeply
many years ago because she cared; and that friend for whom she cared and
to whom she ministered betrayed her, leaving her deeply wounded and
scarred. To the day she died, as wonderful a mother as she was, I never
again saw her enjoy the special relationship of a close friend. As far
as I know, she had only one other woman with whom she allowed herself to
become close.
It's reasonable to not want to be hurt at all, much less hurt again.
However, if you're going to use that as a criteria, it's doubtful that
you'll ever care much about anything or for anyone in need. Because,
caring has built within itself the potential for being hurt.
So, get used to it . . . . and go ahead and care again. It's part of the
package. That's what happened to Jesus.
Aren't you glad He didn't quit caring just before He came across you?
2. Sometimes I don't care because I'm preoccupied with selfish endeavors
or wrong motives. Jesus said, "where a man's treasure is, there will his
heart be also."
I used to think about that question a lot. Then one day I realized
something significant. Of all the banks in town, one had my particular
interest ---- the one where my checking account was located.
My heart was toward that bank for one simple reason. It wasn't because
it had the greatest perks or the newest building. It was simple ----
that's where my treasure was.
So ---- if I am preoccupied with my own reputation, my own ego, my own
agenda, my own goals, etc., then I'm not going to care much about anyone
else or anything else. If I'm more interested in my own savings account
than I am with the homeless man, it's not likely I'll do much more than
pittance service toward him, if anything at all.
Even in ministry, if I'm set on having my way, then I won't care that I
walk rough shod over others around me. It won't matter that someone was
wounded because of my selfish insensitivity. I'll just accuse them of
being immature or carnal.
3. Sometimes I don't care because I'm unaware of the real situation.
It's really true that you can be a caring person but not care about a
situation about which you are unaware. That's why it's so important that
you not live an isolated life.
You see, I didn't know about those 105 little homeless children in Kiev
until just a few weeks before our trip last month. So, I didn't care at
all ---- because I didn't know.
Have you ever been caught off guard in a conversation with a long lost
friend when that person informed you that his spouse had died recently?
And, what's your immediate response? "Oh, my! I'm so sorry! I didn't
know!"
You see, you can't care about something if you don't know about it.
4. Sometimes I don't care because I have been deceived. There are times
when we have had distorted or untrue information imparted to us so that
we are deceived about the situation.
For example, let's say that you learn of a young woman who is pregnant.
You've been told that she's living with an older man. Your assumption,
then, is that she's an immoral girl living with an immoral man, and the
baby is his.
When the record is finally set straight, you realize that she was raped,
became pregnant as a result, and with no place else to go, ended up
living with her widowed uncle who is helping her get through the
situation.
Suddenly your caring level changes doesn't it.
Now, frankly, it's tragic that you didn't care the first time instead of
being condemning and judgemental. But it does reveal the fact that
sometimes we just don't care because we've been deceived.
I just wonder, now, which is worse ---- not caring because we've been
deceived, or not caring in the first place? The girl's needs are the
same.
5. Sometimes I don't care because the other person doesn't care. Jo Ann
and I ran into this temptation frequently, especially when we were doing
lots of counseling while in the pastorate. There are times when you want
something for someone more than they want it for themselves.
Frankly, it's hard to care about something that the other person doesn't.
Have you ever tried to deal with a husband and wife, neither of whom
cared about the survival of their marriage? It's hard to get up for
that, isn't it. It's hard to care when they don't.
Yet, somehow, we must get around that.
For me, the best way to overcome the temptation to not care, is to stop
looking at those who don't care, and start looking at the One who does
---- Jesus.
If He cares, so can I . . . . and so must I.
6. Sometimes I don't care because I forgot that Jesus does. There are
those days when we develop the "Pre-Tree Jonah Mentality" ---- that "go
ahead and destroy 'em, God" attitude toward our respective "Nineveh's".
On days like that, we need to remember that Jesus Cares!
And anything or anyone He cares about, we should as well. He's
interested in what interests us, so we should be the same.
7. Sometimes I don't care because I have nothing invested. It's sad,
but it's true ---- we're usually more interested in the things in which
we have invested the most. So, if we haven't invested much, we don't
care as much.
When I was a youngster I spent most of my Summers on my uncle's farm. He
and my grandfather lived just one quarter mile apart. They each had a
huge garden from which I could enjoy delicious vegetables ---- red,
luscious tomatoes ---- onions so sweet you could eat them like an apple
---- all that stuff.
However, I invariably migrated more toward my uncle's garden than my
grandfather's ---- for one simple reason. There was stuff in my uncle's
garden that I had personally planted, hoe'd, watered, and weeded.
I cared more for my uncle's garden because I had invested more there.
Ever wonder why sometimes you've not cared much about your field of
ministry?
Try investing a little more. That might change your interest.
FINALLY:
Well, my friend . . . . again I find myself far from satisfied. I'm
still sitting here with mouth open over the concept of what it really
means to care ---- and not care.
And, . . . . again I feel my efforts have been thoroughly inadequate and
incomplete ---- simply because the concept is so inexhaustible.
Maybe you have some thoughts you'd like to share with me. I'm surely
open to learning more about what it means to really care. I know that I
care more now than I ever have for people.
I not only love my wife with all my heart, but I really care for her.
Each year of my life it becomes easier to lay aside my own projects and
plans in order to spend more time with her and in order to find more ways
to bring her joy and pleasure.
Each day I find my love and appreciation for people in vocational
ministry increasing still more. I can't explain it. It is certainly not
me, that's for sure! But I'd rather sit down with a brother or sister in
the Lord who is hurting and needs encouragement than just about anything
I can think of.
I don't know . . . . . maybe it's just that I'm finally beginning to grow
up or something. But, when I see friends like Jack, Bill, Greg, and a
bunch of others going through difficulties and challenges, I just wish I
could jump in and carry the load with them.
I wish I could carry the load of loneliness and failing health my dad
carries. I wish I could wipe away all the memories of disappointment
that I have caused my wife to endure. I wish I could go visit every
church that has faced the tragedy of losing a pastor to moral failure. I
wish I could alleviate the emotional and physical duress so many of the
students I know at a particular university carry.
But . . . . I can't.
As I write these final thoughts I'm reminded that caring is both a
blessing and a burden.
And, once you care, . . . . you'll never be the same, you'll never get
over it, and you'll never stop caring. I've come to have a new
appreciation for many of Paul's statements to those believers for whom he
cared so much.
Maybe that's what my signature scripture reference below is all about.
Thanks for letting me share my heart . . . . and for letting me care
about you.
In His Bond,
Bob Tolliver ---- (Rom 1:11-12)
Copyright February, 2001. All rights reserved.
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Hang in there! I'm with you!
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