SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #164 ---- 2/26/01
Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>
As We fight The Good Fight In This New Millennium
SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #164 ---- 2/26/01
Title: "When It Doesn't Go As Expected ---- Handling Disappointment"
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My Dear Friend and Partner:
Today I greet you from Cassville, MO, the site of the annual Southwest
Missouri Bible and Evangelism Conference. Jo Ann and I have been
participating in this event for six or seven years, and we always look
forward to the occasion.
Some twenty vocational evangelists and singers gather for a Saturday
night praise fest and then go into area churches on Sunday to preach and
sing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Then for two more days we all gather in
one location and minister God's love to each other and to the local
believers.
This year is different in that I am without Jo Ann ---- and not liking
it. Nobody else's music and no fellowship with other evangelists can
take the place of her presence and ministry. The fact that her decision
to stay home was a last minute one didn't help either ----- I wasn't
emotionally or mentally prepared to "solo" it on this trip. It's like
trying to run a race with only one leg.
One the one hand I'm sad, but on the other upset. One one hand I'm glad
she could get the rest, relief from pain, and the restoration she needs,
but on the other I'm terribly lonely. One one hand I am trying to be
understanding, and on the other I want to feel sorry for myself ----
"poor suffering me!"
Ever been there?
Through all this, though, there is a lesson to be learned about handling
unexpected situations. Often they result in disappointment.
How do we handle them anyhow?
BE INFORMED AS TO YOUR OPTIONS:
When something unexpected happens, you will most likely respond on one of
only a few ways, depending on whether the "something unexpected" is, in
your eyes at least, bad or good.
1. In Anger or Joy. My first reaction when I learned Jo Ann was not
going was not raving anger, but more an inner irritation. I determined
years ago that getting angry was too much work, so I chose to not work
that hard. Those who know me will remember what an angry person I was
years ago. It's a great miracle of God that has been performed in my
heart.
Nonetheless, I was certainly not filled with joy when I discovered Jo Ann
would be unable to be part of the ministry on this weekend. In the
process I learned that the older I get the more time it takes for me to
adjust to unexpected changes.
2. In Fear or Courage. Sometimes things happen ---- like the sudden
discovery last July that my Mother had leukemia ---- that are foundation
shaking. Depending on our mind set at the moment, we will probably be
challenged with fear. Unexpected things do that sometimes. Yet, at the
same time, we have the option to become a person of courage. It would be
nice if we could do that every time.
3. In Utter Disappointment or Eager Anticipation. Again, depending on
whether the unexpected event is bad or good, at least in our minds, we
will respond with disappointment or anticipation.
Now, what our initial Response may be is not the real issue. The
important thing is not so much how we immediately respond, but rather how
we confront the situation after the suddenness has worn off a bit.
Initially, if you react in anger, fear, or disappointment right off the
bat, don't let that get you down.
However, if, after time to digest the situation has transired but you
find yourself still there, then you've got a big time problem that goes
much deeper than the event itself. All the event did was to uncover some
attitude that shouldn't be there.
INQUIRE AS TO WHAT THE DISAPPOINTMENT REALLY IS:
Our minds like to deceive us. Most of us are masters at dressing our
personal disappointments up as if they were God's. We know how to make
it look like it comes from genuine concern or spiritual motivation when,
in fact, it is nothing more than petty selfishness.
A disappointment's essence can be varied. It can be genuine spiritual
sadness over a matter that truly is born in the heart of God. On the
other hand, it can also be nothing more than self centered resentment.
For example, let's say that your expectation for attendance at a
particular conference is not met. In fact, it is incredibly
disappointing to you. The question, however, is not Why you are
disappointed, but rather what the truth is regarding your disappointment.
Are you truly disappointed because of all the people who missed hearing
from God through the conference, or is your disappointment because the
attendance embarrassed you before the guest speaker? Or, maybe you are
disappointed because you wanted to impress your peers in the other
churches with your expertise at crowd building.
You see, friend, before you can deal properly with disappointments you
must get to the truth of your disappointment.
For example, right now I'm having to wade through all of that as it
pertains to Jo Ann not being able to travel to this conference with me.
I'm sitting here in my room typing away to you trying to figure out if I
am disappointed because of who she is as my wife who's companionship I
cherish, or because her not coming altered the music plans for the
conference, or because it changed the level and measure of fellowship I
might have had with others.
Until I can identify the truth of that, I can't effectively benefit from
and build on the disappointment of not having her here.
That, in turn, will lead me to . . . .
IDENTIFY WHAT THE FACTS REALLY ARE:
When one uncovers the truth as to what the disappointment is really all
about, then he will also discover the real issues involved. Here are
just a few.
1. There is no disappointment in Jesus. He is the same, He is ever
faithful, He is all you need. Regardless of how others may disappoint
you, He never will.
2. Disappointment in others can cause us to lose sight of the
steadfastness of Jesus. It still amazes me, after all these 57 years of
being a Christian, how easily the reality of Jesus and His faithfulness
can be hidden behind the disappointments of circumstances or people.
3. Given enough time and opportunity, everybody will eventually
disappoint you. It's not a matter of "if", but a matter of "when". So,
get ready for it, and don't be surprised or offended when it happens.
4. You will also be disappointed in yourself. You will be disappointed
in your own performance or effectiveness or the way your voice sounds on
the tape. Most of all, you will be disappointed that you are
disappointed. You had higher goals in mind for yourself. You were bound
and determined that you'd maintain a positive and enthusiastic attitude,
so when you found yourself disappointed, you became disappointed that you
are disappointed.
5. Circumstances of life have no guarantees, and will, likewise,
ultimately create some sort of disappointment. It's the nature of human
nature, as Christian psychologist Henry Brandt used to say.
6. Disappointments are earth bound, temporal, and temporary. That's
good to remember. In heaven disappointments don't exist. They exist
only in relationship to people, events, circumstances, and things ----
all of which, apart from people, pertain only to this world and the
things of this world (which John instructed us to not love).
7. You will get over disappointments as long as you don't allow
bitterness or unforgiveness to dwell therein. It may take a moment, a
day, a month, or even longer, but even the most grave and serious
disappointment you face can have an end to it.
8. It appears to me that the disappointments that hurt the most are
those that come from people you love. Whether it be your spouse, your
best friend, or the people you shepherd . . . . or even if it is
yourself, those are the ones that hurt the most, often last the longest,
and can frequently cause the deepest anguish.
I'm sure there are other elements besides these, but this gives you and
me something to think about.
In the meantime, what are we going to do with our disappointments?
IMPLEMENT SOME PRACTICAL PRINCIPLES:
One year ago, while I was doing an interim pastorate, a friend sent me
the following article written by Nazarene pastor Phillip R. Stout from
Jackson, Michigan. It was taken from his book, "Beyond Disappointment
---- Hope", printed by Beacon Hill Press in 1994. These excerpts are
taken from pages 40-52.
--------------------
"When There Is Disappointment With The Church"
Everyone associated with the church, the Body of Jesus Christ, has
experienced some degree of disappointment. It is the result of
unfulfilled expectations. The higher the expectations rise, the deeper
the disappointment.
Except for our immediate families, there is no other institution or
gathering of individuals in which we place higher expectations than in
the Body of Christ. Therefore, the church is a place where there is
tremendous potential for disappointment.
About Disappointment:
+ The 1-11-55 Principle rules. On average, everyone who is disgruntled
with a church shares it with eleven people, who share it with five more.
So anytime someone is deeply disappointed by a church, there are about 55
people who take a low view of the church, most of whom have never
attended there.
+ Many people have legitimate gripes with certain churches. Many times
the church has been wrong and has inflicted pain. These disappointments
are real, deep, and take years for recovery. Some people have been
wrongfully judged, misunderstood, not able to use their gifts for
ministry because the pastor is easily threatened by talented people, or
not been welcomed or loved by the body of believers.
+ Some disappointments are silly. Some people have left a church
because the music was loud, the sanctuary too cold, or they didn't get
the public recognition they felt they deserved.
+ Pastors are cited as the most frequent cause of disappointment. We
often place unrealistic demands on their character and performance.
Solutions to Disappointment:
+ Have realistic expectations for your pastor. Most people want their
pastor to be successful even though the definition is vague and not
clearly communicated. With shared leadership of a common vision from
God, a pastor must be a consensus maker, not a consensus taker.
+ The church is the result of the intersection of the divine and the
human. It is a group of human beings filled with the Spirit of God. God
chose to place His perfection in chipped, cracked, weak people ---- jars
of clay. The hurts, sins, and regrets of your past do not preclude you
from being the dwelling place of God.
+ Accept your responsibility. When church members use their
disappointment as an excuse to be unfaithful to Jesus Christ, they are
shirking their responsibility to God. If one church disappoints you,
find another where you can worship God fully.
+ Don't allow your disappointment to distract the church. The mission
of the church can be changed by one or two people willing to make enough
noise until they get their way. Your disappointment must not alter the
God-given mission of the church.
+ You see what you look for. If you are looking for disappointment or
flaws, you find them ---- in the pastor, the music, and any one of the
programs. If you are looking for sinners, you'll find them because the
church welcomes them with open arms. But, if you look for the
life-changing presence of the Holy Spirit, that is what you'll find.
+ Make a decision. Decide to love the church. You won't agree with
everyone or everything that is done. But love is a decision.
--------------------
IN CONCLUSION:
Let's face it, my friend ---- most of us don't handle disappointment
well. It's my opinion that the reason is because we're usually not
honest regarding the nature, the cause, or the root of our
disappointments.
If we can start being honest, I have a feeling we'll be able to handle
disappointment in a non-disappointing way.
Wouldn't that be exciting!
Thanks for letting me share my own up-to-the-minute pilgrimage with you.
I pray some of my thoughts have blessed and encouraged you.
If you think about it, please pray for me today (Monday). The program
has been shifted so that I preach at 10:30 a.m. CDT instead of the
originally scheduled Tuesday morning slot. I need to hear a fresh word
from God for the people here ---- the evangelists and singers, the area
pastors, and the lay members who will be attending.
In Christ's Bond of Mercy and Grace,
Bob Tolliver ---- (Rom 1:11-12)
Copyright February, 2001. All rights reserved.
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Hang in there! I'm with you!
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Bob Tolliver -- (Rom 1:11-12)
Life Unlimited Ministries
E-Mail: [email protected]
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