SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #5 February 1, 1998
Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>
#5 February 1, 1998
Date: Sat, 31 Jan 1998 20:30:45 -0600
Stationed "Shoulder To Shoulder" with you as you "fight the good fight".
Greetings, my fellow soldier.
First, please be sure to read about the upcoming ministry opportunity
noted at the end of this letter.
My wife and I just celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary last Thursday
(January 29th) ---- by meeting with a group of university students
preparing for our upcoming late May early June trip to Croatia where we
will minister to war victims and to fellow believers.
What a way to celebrate!
Actually, we celebrated the next day ---- by doing something much more
romantic. We drove to the big city of Springfield, MO, about 55 miles
away ---- and went to Quick Trip and put gas in the van at 89 cents a
gallon ---- and then went to WALMART! How romantic! (It was her idea.)
Then, we went to Bass Pro Shop! Now That was romantic! (That, too, was
her idea! ---- It WAS, Honest!)
Actually, for those of you who don't know about Bass Pro Shop, we went to
Hemingway's Restaurant located there and stuffed ourselves with crab
legs, shrimp, barbecued ribs, chicken "something-or-other", and catfish.
Sitting in the balcony dining area overlooking a fish-filled pool at the
base of a waterfall cascading from a cliff populated with deer, raccoon,
and mountain lion, we enjoyed nearly two hours of uninterrupted talking,
remembering, dreaming ---- and, of course, eating.
I was reminded of just how much I had been blessed those years ago when
our fathers, both preachers, led us into that new relationship out in
Tucson, Arizona. So very much has happened since then. Some people
didn't give us very good odds that we'd last; but, by God's grace, we've
not only survived, but have profoundly abounded inour marriage.
Anniversaries are very special times. Jo Ann and I have spent ours in
various ways. The first few years, when we had no money, it was usually
exchanging a card and having dinner at a higher class restaurant ----
like Denny's or Perkins. When children came, we'd sometimes try to
celebrate it as a family, including my parents when that was possible
---- so Dad could pick up the tab. (We still don't have much money, but
the anniversaries keep mounting up.)
My imaginary Uncle Zeb and Aunt Mamie celebrated their anniversaries
fairly quietly ---- usually silently, often absent mindedly. But things
changed on their 50th.
She was sitting on the porch swing mending his socks. He was on the
steps, cleaning his toe nails with his pocket knife. After a long period
of silence (probably about nine days worth), she spoke. The conversation
went like this:
MAMIE: "Zeb."
ZEB: (No response)
MAMIE: "Zeb."
ZEB: (Silence)
MAMIE: "Zeb!"
ZEB: "Uh huh?"
MAMIE: "Y'know it's our annivers'ry t'day."
ZEB: "Yep."
MAMIE: "'n fact, it's been 50 years t'day."
ZEB: "Yep."
MAMIE: "Don't that make this one a little spec'l?"
ZEB: "Yep."
MAMIE: "Well, haven't you got anything to tell me?"
ZEB: "Not p'tickler."
MAMIE: "You know, Zeb, you haven't told me you loved me since our
wedding day."
ZEB: "Yep."
MAMIE: "Any spec'l reason for that?"
ZEB: "Yep. If I ever change my mind, I'll let you know."
Most of our anniversaries have been more special than Uncle Zeb's and
Aunt Mamie's.
Many times ministry responsibilities interrupted or delayed those
celebrations. We've celebrated them in revival meetings in some distant
city, or in marriage seminars. One we spent flying to a Bible conference
in Seattle. Three we spent in pastors' and wives' retreats at the
beautiful conference center in Green Lake, Wisconsin.
Two are especially memorable.
OUR 25th we spent, unplanned, separated from each other. Jo Ann was
driving back from southwest Missouri to Des Moines after taking three of
our daughters back to college following Christmas break. I was en route
home from a southeast Missouri Bible conference and got stranded in a
snow storm in Ottumwa, IA. After finally having to turn back because of
a total white-out, our anniversary was celebrated with a midnight phone
call from the motel room where I managed to find refuge. The next day we
looked through the "memories" album and ate the cake our girls had
prepared for us.
Then our 36th we spent in Kiev, Ukraine, leading a missionary prayer
retreat. That wasn't all bad, though, because we got to go out with the
Mission Director, Mike Norfleet, and his wife, enjoy a wonderful Russian
dinner with live music before we were driven back to our
"they-all-look-the-same" concrete apartment building, with Mike driving a
car no longer bearing license plates because he had parked illegally and
the police had taken the plates. (There's more than one way to get you
to pay parking tickets in Kiev!)
We still vividly remember Mike painstakingly avoiding the major
intersections filled with Ukrainian police carrying Uzi machine guns
brought with them from their army days. We never realized Kiev had so
many back streets and alleys ---- or police!
Through it all, no matter how the anniversaries were celebrated (and they
were ALL celebrated ---- some just delayed a day or so), each succeeding
one has become more special. Perhaps the greatest thing we've seen is
that anniversaries become wonderful opportunities to remember the past
and look forward to the future. (I've often wished churches would be
more attentive to the birthdays and anniversaries of their pastors and
staff, and also the anniversaries of those people coming to the church.)
In light of our own anniversary, I want to share a few very important
things I've learned about being both married and a minister of the Gospel
at the same time. (I realize some who receive this newsletters are
ladies, so please overlook the gender slant I put on it ---- of
necessity, because I am a man in the ministry. If you're a woman in
ministry, I hope you'll be blessed beyond measure as you read through
it.)
Here are A FEW THINGS I'VE LEARNED:
1. MY WIFE NEEDS TO KNOW SHE IS CHERISHED ABOVE ALL ELSE in my life.
Please, dear friend! Never conduct yourself in such a way that your wife
would ever think that something else, other than the Lord Himself, is
more important to you than she is. Regardless of what your religious or
denominational systems may have dictated or implied, NOTHING in your
ministry is more important than your wife. Shame on any pastor who has
the mistaken idea that his ministry is more important than his wife and
family. God doesn't think so, and neither should he. That is totally an
unscriptural conclusion.
By the way, the men in your church will model toward their own wives what
they see you demonstrate. I remember a fishing trip to Minnesota with
some guys in my church. While there, I ordered flowers to be sent to Jo
Ann at her work ---- no special reason ---- just to tell her I loved her
and missed her. That day coming home, Richard had us stop in Faribault
to make a phone call. When we got home we discovered he had ordered
flowers for Bonnie. (He did, however, have to convince her that there
wasn't anything wrong ---- he just wanted to express his love. The
greatest joy of that trip for me was letting Jo Ann know I loved her and
was thinking of her. The second greatest was to see that Richard got the
message!
2. MY WIFE MUST BE ASSURED I AM NOT A POLYGAMIST or adulterer. Nothing
wounds a woman more deeply than to feel that there is another "woman" in
her husbands life. You cannot be married to more than one "woman", and
you must not commit "adultery" with another "woman".
The "other woman" in many ministers' lives will be the church. They will
carry on an affair as a spiritual adulterer or polygamist with their
church. And then some guys wonder why their wives become so negative
about their ministry or about the church! Wake up! You MUST be a
"One-Woman Man", and that woman is to be YOUR WIFE ---- not the church,
golf, revivals, ministry, or anything else.
If you haven't done so lately, tell your wife that, other than your
personal relationship to the Lord Jesus Christ, absolutely nothing is
more important to you than she is. It doesn't even have to be your
anniversary or her birthday. In fact, telling her when it's for no
special reason or occasion makes it far more special to her.
A word of caution: also be prepared to back it up in deed.
3. MY PRIMARY "HUSBANDLY" RESPONSIBILITY IS TO BUILD SPLENDOR IN MY
WIFE. That was a new phrase in my vocabulary until three years ago when
I heard a story about Coach Bill McCartney, founder of Promise Keepers.
The story is strictly second-hand, so it may not be quite exact.
My friend, Jack Taylor, was speaking in the church where Coach McCartney
was member. Jack made a pointed statement ---- something like this:
"Even if you have succeeded in every other area of your life, if you do
not see splendor in the eyes of your wife, you have failed as a husband."
That statement literally caused Coach McCartney to lunge back into his
seat and gasp. As he turned to look into his wife's eyes, he didn't see
splendor ----- he saw pain; he saw wounds; he saw dullness; he saw
darkness.
It was not Promise Keepers that caused this highly successful coach to
resign from the University of Colorado; it was his own feeling of failure
as a husband and father which he saw reflected in the eyes of his wife,
and his commitment to spend the rest of his life building splendor in his
wife, and being a loving, caring, husband and father. If you've ever
heard him speak, you know that is what drives him ---- for himself, and
for all men.
What do you see in the eyes of your wife? Splendor and happiness should
be there. (*)
4. I MUST SEE 'CONVERSATION" TOGETHER AS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT
ACTIVITIES my wife enjoys. You would think it would be easy for a man,
especially a preacher, to get involved in conversation ---- but with his
own wife it often isn't. Space doesn't allow discussing the reasons for
that ---- there are many. However, they usually fall into three or four
categories: 1) Pre-occupation with the problems of others; 2) A sense
of inadequacy and failure in your role as husband; 3) Verbal "burnout"
from the events of the day; 4) Difficulty in that type of communication
because of an awareness that men and women communicate on different
levels (*) ---- Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Volitional, Spiritual.
Friend, whatever else you do with and for your wife, make sure there is
plenty of time for just the two of you to talk ---- to talk especially
about things on her mind. And, as you talk, relax! Nothing you need to
do and no place you need to be is as important as the time you have to
just sit and talk.
One final suggestion ---- try learning to communicate from what you Feel
rather than from what you Think. That's where, among other things,
romance is rekindled and dreams are reborn. And, having answers is not
nearly as important as simply listening.
5. I MUST ASSURE MY WIFE THAT, NOT ONLY IS SHE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY
MINISTRY, BUT THAT SHE IS A FULL PARTNER in ministry. I can think of
nothing more depressing and demoralizing for a minister's wife than to
feel that she's on the outside looking in on what You do in ministry
while She neither has a ministry of her own or is a part of yours.
Again, there are many factors involved as to why she might feel that way
---- her own interests, her spiritual giftings, the way you have reacted
to her strengths and weaknesses, etc. (*) Even though it may not
actually be true, if she feels it is true, then it is to her ---- and
nothing you do or say will change it until you do whatever you must to
prove that she IS a full partner with you in ministry.
And, until it is true in Your own heart, it will never be true in hers.
I cannot begin to tell you just how important Jo Ann is to me and to my
calling ---- and she becomes more important every day. In fact, I will
hardly accept an invitation for ministry without agreement that she goes
with me. And, as the two of us discuss that ministry opportunity, we
approach it as a team ---- not as a preacher with an assistant or a
tag-along.
For example, when we do conferences in churches where we are asked to do
the music as well as the speaking, even though I have a degree in vocal
music, I have such confidence in her piano skills for corporate worship,
and such certainty about f her sensitivy to the Holy Spirit, that I
prefer she coordinates the entire praise and worship time and let me fit
into that however is best.
Is your wife a non-participant? Is she an add-on? Is she an outsider?
Or is she an equal partner in ministry? Take some time to sit down with
her and find out what she would genuinely like to be. You'll be amazed
and thrilled at how that will enhance your ministry.
Now, I don't know if this little memory jogger about our family will do a
great deal for you, but at least I hope it helps put your ministry
responsibilities in proper perspective. Just remember that the health
and stability of your home will be proportionately played out in the
health and effectiveness of your ministry. Jesus NEVER puts two Biblical
principles in opposing positions to each other. If there is
contradiction or conflict, it's NOT His fault. There' s something there
that needs to be worked on on your part.
And, the starting place is to begin praising, affirming, cherishing, and
blessing your wife, and commiting your life to building excellence in
her. Ephesians 6:25-31 still stands firm as a direct command.
Therefore, it should be your top priority as a husband and as a minister
of the Gospel.
(My friend, you have no idea on earth just how fervently I am praying at
this very moment that what I have shared will strengthen your
relationship with your wife, your example as a leader, and your church as
a witness to the pagan world!)
February is the "Love Month". Do something special for your wife. It
doesn't have to be expensive ---- just genuine.
Take courage! Be of good cheer! It's a new month! It's a new week!
Today is a new day! All open a door wide for new opportunities. It's a
perfect opportunity to start over or to persevere on! It's a "Slava
Bogu! Haleluja!" day ---- which is "Praise God! Hallelujah!" in
Croatian.
In Christ's Bond,
Bob Tolliver
ADDRESS: Route 1, Box 87AB, Collins, MO 64738
Ph: 417-275-4854. Fax: 417-275-4855
E-mail: [email protected]
(*) I will discuss these topics, because of their importance, in more
detail in later newsletters.
Copyright February, 1998 by Robert A. Tolliver. All rights reserved.
Permission is granted to forward this newsletter, with full credits, to
anyone you feel would be encouraged by its content.
I am grateful for the comments and suggestions I received about whether
or not this should be a weekly or by-weekly newsletter. Interestingly,
your comments were almost 50/50. One good brother reminded me that the
Lord would let me know. I should have known that all along. So ----
we're going to take it an issue at a time. If you miss one, you'll know
another one is on the way the next week. I try to number them, so if a
number is missing, you'll know either you missed one or I goofed.
If you no longer want to receive these newsletters, please let us know.
We'll drop you immediately.
God bless you above and beyond all you can imagine!
A VERY IMPORTANT OPPORTUNITY!
This year Jo Ann and I are taking at least three trips to the former
Yugoslavia, namely Croatia and possibly Bosnia.
Two of those trips (May 28-June 16 and a time in October or November) we
are in great need of . . .
1) Preachers, ---- to preach in churches across the country,
2) Skilled craftsmen, ---- to help renovate an old orphanage into a
long-term ministry facility for war victims, and
3) "Practical helps" volunteers ---- to wash dishes, do laundry, work
in office, etc.
If you feel you might be interested in one of these trips and would like
more information about these needs, requirements, and the cost of such a
trip PLEASE CONTACT ME RIGHT AWAY.
INCLUDE your name, address,and phone number.
WE REALLY NEED VOLUNTEERS. If you aren't interested, someone in your
church may be.
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