SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #51 ---- 1/4/99
Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>
As We fight The Good Fight
January 4, 1999
TITLE: "If I Were To Start Over" #1 (Hang Around Old People More)
Dear Special Friend in Christ:
With just 361 days left in this Century and this Millennium, I find
myself more aware of just how special my many contacts with people like
you have been. Thank you from the depths of my heart! I do pray that
1999 is off to an extremely profitable and blessed beginning for you.
Incidentally, if you would like a brief digest of 1998's letters to see
if there are any you might like to receive which you didn't, just drop me
a note.
LAST WEEK'S LETTER:
I almost didn't write last week's letter about Simeon. I had grave
doubts about the subject, and struggled greatly not only with the subject
matter, but with the discipline of sitting down and writing it. Part of
the struggle was because I had to hide literally for hours in my bedroom,
away from my family during Christmas activities in order to be sure it
went out on time.
But then ---- I got responses ---- numerous ones! And, the Lord reminded
me that "we battle not with flesh and blood, but with principalities, and
powers, and . . ." It was a great personal encouragement to receive the
words of affirmation and thanks, and to be assured that Simeon was the
guy to write about.
Just so you know there are others out there like you ---- facing
challenges like yours ---- I have copied excerpts from a couple such
letters.
1. From Bill:
"Thanks for the encouragement and insight (and a lot of you) you have put
into this first year's worth of Shoulder to Shoulder. I have seen a lot
of me in some of them and a good bit of my church in others.
". . . I had a conversation with a member in which he expressed concern
that I was running potential members away. . . . I subsequently
discovered that there had been some conversation about the situation
among 'senior' members of the congregation, and no one saw fit to bring
it to my attention.
"All kinds of alarms went off in my head; and the ringing hasn't stopped.
"You know the drill. You question your ability to continue to minister
in an atmosphere of doubt. You wonder if you are missing God's message,
or creating one of your own. You wonder if your leaving would be to
answer a call or run away.
"Please know that some of what you have written in the past 52 weeks hit
the mark. Some of them came at the exact time they were needed and
served to help me keep my hand away from the panic button. . . . Thanks
again."
2. From Hugh:
"Thanks for all your sharing this past year. We've both enjoyed it and
benefitted from it.
"Just a word about Simeon. The really scary thing about this guy is
there are lots of them around, and unless we get close enough to know
them, we don't ever get it.
"This past year we lost just the kind of guy that is easy to overlook
until he's gone. Our younger daughter, Paula, had a father-in-law that
was quiet, not at all distinguished by any of the things that usually
call attention to a person, yet his influence was so broad that whole
area . . . missed him.
"The closest he came to greatness was serving the community faithfully
for several terms on the (name) school Board. . . . The reason he was so
popular was because he was so honest. Rare that a person holding elected
office should be known for such a thing as honesty.
"To all the Simeons out there, please forgive the most of us for not
noticing what you do. I'm sorry we don't get it."
I CAN ECHO THAT:
It's interesting that "Hugh" sent his comments when he did ---- they hit
home to me in a personal way ---- a way that has prompted the idea of
doing a few "If I Were To Start Over" letters, just to encourage you and
others, especially those who are perhaps relatively new or young in the
ministry.
This past week was a real mixed bag for me. It was, first, joyous
because we shared the season with four generations of our family ---- my
parents, three of our four daughters and their husbands, and five of our
eight grand children. It was also troubling, because, as an only child,
and myself also getting older, I watched both of my parents endure a
great deal of physical suffering caused by both age and disease.
I was particularly agitated when I detected a sense of futility and
despair on the face of my mother ---- a rare thing from a woman who
seldom complained about anything in her 83 years of life. Today, with
various heart conditions, diabetes, loss of 70% of her sight, neuropathy
in her legs, loss of strength in her arms and legs, and impending kidney
failure, ---- and then to top it all off, married to my father and
having me as a son, she does have reason to complain. But ---- she
doesn't.
When I saw her sitting in the chair the other morning with her hands limp
at her sides, staring off into space, I felt as helpless as the little
six year old boy I used to be. And, I didn't know what to do with it. I
wanted to ask, like an innocent child, "mommy, what's wrong? Can I
help?" At the same time I wanted to be a wise and mature son who had all
the answers, knew exactly what to do, and could immediately take away the
pain in her feet by rubbing them, and bring instantaneous cheer by my
words.
I could do none of that.
It was then that I realized just how challenging aging and chronic
illness can be to those going through that process ---- and to those of
us who are the children. I can honestly say that neither life nor
seminary training has prepared me for what I sense lies ahead.
I knew I was facing it first as a son ---- an only child, but also was
beginning to face for myself some of those same physical limitations
Mother and Dad have faced for years, exposing my own mortality and
forcing me to admit that there are most likely fewer years and less
energy ahead than have already been spent in my life.
That has caused me to reminisce over my experiences of local church
ministry ---- remembering many of the "shut ins" who seldom darkened the
door, and how I resented that and in my mind condemned them for not being
spiritual enough and faithful enough ---- remembering those faithful
saints who felt it more necessary to go visit their parents in a distant
nursing home than be in church, and how that angered me because they were
so "undependable" ---- thinking about those "seniors" who opposed new
and innovative ideas for no apparent reason other than it was different,
not realizing that the older you get the less secure, confident, and
comfortable you feel with the unfamiliar and new.
How arrogant and misunderstood on my part!
Whatever else you do, my friend, make it a 1999 priority to "Hang Around
Old People!" If I were to start over in ministry, that's one of several
things I would do ---- I would just hang around old people.
SOME OF MY GREATEST HEROES ARE OLD:
When God called me out of twelve years of staff ministry into the
preaching ministry in 1969, I vividly remember my multi-layered fears
---- almost terror.
Part of my fears certainly came from seeing my own humanity against the
awesomeness of the Divine calling from God. Part of it also probably
came from feeling pressure to match the standard and integrity
demonstrated in the ministry of my own father ---- and at the same time
remembering also the suffering he himself endured, and how that affected
our family.
However, I was not prepared for what I heard myself saying one day when I
finally got honest about the call to preach. Struggling to avoid
admitting it, I finally blurted out, "O.K., Lord ---- if You are calling
me to preach, and it appears that You are, then I really need Your help!
I am scared to death of funerals, hospitals, ---- and ---- and old
people! ---- And I am really gonna need your help!"
Well ---- just as you would expect, God more than met that need!
Some of the greatest thrills and blessings of my preaching ministry have
come as He placed literally hundreds of "highly experienced travelers" we
call "old people" in my life.
Literally within days of that little conversation with the Lord, He
plopped me down right in the middle of a church with about 400 members
---- including some 75 "seniors" who were over 65 years of age, 25 of
them over age 85! ---- and still faithful!
He gave those dear folks the tedious and laborious task of shaping my
life out of their love, support, and experience.
Was I in for a surprise!
COME VISIT THE HOME MAKERS' CLASS:
The entire process of locating me, interviewing me, having me candidate,
and then calling me to be pastor had taken less than two weeks from start
to finish.
We arrived in town for my first pastorate on a Monday. The moving van
drove up to the parsonage door at 8:00 a.m. the next morning. At 9:30
a.m. Genevieve Roth rang the doorbell.
"Pastor, welcome to (town)! I am the teacher of the Home Makers' Sunday
School class. Now, I know you're very busy, but we're having a birthday
party for one of our class members, Lutie Briscoe, and I wondered if you
would mind stopping by for a few minutes this afternoon just to get
acquainted, and to wish Lutie 'happy birthday'."
You can imagine what I was thinking ---- "The last thing in the world I
need today was go to a party for a member of the 'Home Makers' Class'
conducted by a bunch of young women celebrating the birthday of a gal
with a very odd name. Besides, there'll probably be little kids
everywhere, and my four are enough for today."
But ---- not wanting to get off on the wrong foot with a bunch of women,
I acquiesced, and drove out to Lutie's home in the country.
I was absolutely taken aback ---- stunned ---- shocked ---- dumbfounded
---- when I got there. I discovered that Genevieve Roth was the youngest
woman there, and she was in her late 60's! It turned out that the "Home
Makers' Sunday School Class" had taken "ownership" of their class name
when they were all young married women back in the very early 1900's ----
and ruthlessly kept it through the ensuing years.
Well, ---- it turned out that Lutie was celebrating her 94th birthday,
and the other women there were all 65 and older.
As I sat there, very uncomfortable around so m-a-n-y old ladies, I knew I
would have to say a few words, and I didn't have a clue of what it should
be.
As I stood up to speak God opened my hear. Like a closed window, He
raised the sash, and blew into my spirit a love and appreciation for
those ladies that has never left. In fact, just less than one year ago I
saw Genevieve Roth again ---- still active in the Lord's work, slower in
her steps, yet sharp and brilliant in her thinking and speech.
As I began, I asked what I knew would be a very tricky question. So, I
worded it diplomatically. "I'm just curious ---- how many years have you
ladies known the Lord?" (I knew that would give me a fair idea of how
old they were.)
By the time they finished, I was silenced to discover that between the
fourteen of them, over 960 years of Christian life was represented in
that room! Lutie had been a Christian for more than 80 years.
Oh, how God touched my heart with that truth that moment! I shall Never
forget it.
As I turned to an appropriate scripture, I said, "Ladies, you may feel
that, because of age or disease, you are no longer important to the
Lord's work. You can't get to church as you once did, you don't hold an
office, or can't give much financially. But, I want you to know that the
most important ministry of your life may be just ahead for you.
"You see, out of all your years of walking with the Lord, nobody is more
qualified for a ministry of intercessory prayer than you are ---- and
nothing would thrill me more than to know that you prayed for me
regularly."
I don't remember what else I said, but I tell you, my friend, I left that
little farm house a man that was different than he had been when he first
arrived ---- and so very grateful that God had called me to pastor that
church and to know He was indeed answering my prayer.
The following Sunday, my first one as pastor, one of those ladies, Molly
Haggard, came out the door after the service. She said two things I've
never forgotten: "Pastor, if you sometimes forget my name, just remember
how I look ---- old and Haggard." We laughed long and hard.
Then she said the clinching statement: "After you were at the party the
other day, I began thinking about what you said about prayer. So, I
called all the ladies who were at the party, and all but one has agreed
that we will pray for you every day at 9:00 a.m."
Nothing has touched me like that. Without a doubt, much of the wonderful
success we saw in that pastorate was a direct result of thirteen prayer
warriors who prayed for their young and inexperienced pastor every day.
Years later Jo Ann and I returned to that church for their Centennial
celebration where I was invited to speak briefly and sing. Following the
service I watched Mrs. Fuerst (one of the ladies who rode regularly in
Ethel Elsie's Ford station wagon which we affectionately called "the
Widow Wed Wagon" because she picked up as many as twenty widows every
Sunday and Wednesday) shuffle down the aisle in her walker.
I ran to meet her. She shuffled up to me, raised her stiffened arms and
placed her gnarled arthritic hands around my neck, and laboriously
whispered in my ear ---- "I still pray for you every day at 9:00 a.m."
Tears welled in my eyes as I thanked her so inadequately.
So . . . .
IF I WERE TO START OVER, . . . .
I would pay any price to "hang around old people". I say that for four
simple reasons.
1. First, They need you!
It is easy to forget that the older you get, there are significant
lifestyle-altering changes taking place physically, mentally,
emotionally, materially, and environmentally.
1) Physically you are steadily losing your energy and strength, your
mobility is diminishing, various illnesses, diseases, and sickness take
their toll, vision and hearing deteriorate, surgeries become more likely,
and your eating habits often leave you lacking in good nutrition.
2) Mentally you begin to forget things, your mind is not as sharp,
your memory is not as reliable, and you progressively tend to live more
and more in the past, and are haunted more and more by a fear of the
future.
3) Emotionally, you can experience great mood swings, you go through
the loss of loved ones, you often find yourself alone and feeling lonely,
you are frequently drawn to uncertainty, a lack of confidence, and a
sense of general apprehension concerning the unknown..
4) Materially, your financial resources may be limited, you may have
to let go of furnishings and even your home and move to another community
or into some type of care facility, and investments you had counted on
may have diminished or even disappeared.
5) Environmentally, you are faced with the possibility of changes in
where you live, how you respond to temperature changes, the advances of
technology beyond your comfort level, and a host of other things in and
around you. All of them have a measure of "newness" to you that
challenges your very security and confidence.
Yes, my friend, older people need you. It is often in you that they find
encouragement, confidence, hope, companionship, and affirmation. It is
important that you spend time with them for their benefit.
2. Also, They need the church!
Why are you personally so important to that fact? Because you, as one of
their spiritual leaders, often represent all they see and need from the
church. And, you have the ability and the responsibility to be the link
between them and the church, especially if they are unable to be
physically involved in its activities as they once were.
And, say what you may, "church" on television, whether it is that of an
impersonal major television personality or the broadcast of your own
church services, just will not satisfy the need to feel connected in a
way that not only fulfills, but also supplies the necessary sense of
"belonging" and being remembered, loved, important, and needed.
It's not the guy on the screen who will provide the genuine love,
interest, affirmation, and encouragement older people need to face the
inevitable changes they are facing in their lives. Charles Stanley, John
Hagee, Jerry Falwell, James Kennedy and Robert Schuler may all be fine
Bible teachers and charismatic communicators, but they will not be able
to hold the hand and pray with the one facing death, major surgery, or
loss of mental sharpness.
Old people need the church! And you are the one to first, link them to
the church through your presence and ministry, and second, motivate the
church to reach out and minister to people such as that. If your church
members are like most, they won't do it of their own initiative ----
there are other "more important" activities that overshadow ministry to
the "shut-ins", especially if they are the older ones.
3. Then, The church needs them!
When I pastored a large church in St. Louis in the early 1970's, it was
the older folks that kept things stable. In spite of their physical and
financial limitations, they were the people I could count on. They
offered many things that were a blessing to me.
That church of nearly 700 members had an outstanding cross section of
ages. Wonderful things happened in virtually every age group. But it
was the older members that gave the church something no other group did.
The children and youth were just that ---- children and youth. The young
marrieds were still so in love with each other, with their youthful
desires, and their parents, that they could seldom be counted on, and
they were gone more than they were there.
The early-middle adults were captive to occupational achievement and
material gain. The middle adults were tied to their jobs and personal
pleasure. The middle-older adults were trying to regain their
childhoods.
It was the old people that were the heartbeat of the church.
1) They offered stability. Their years of experience became a
wellspring from which to draw in maintaining a stable and an even keel
when important decision were made, when we went through a troubling
experience, or when we soared into uncharted moments of great emotional
experiences with the Lord. While we sometimes think older people hold
the church back (and that may be true on occasion), what they really gave
was stability.
2) They offered faithfulness. In spite of sickness, bad weather, and
other setbacks, the older generation have been the most faithful group of
all in every one of the four churches I spent twenty-two years pastoring.
Ninety per cent of the churches in our area canceled services yesterday
because of bad weather. It reminded me of an occasion in my St. Louis
pastorate in 1973 when we got a horrendous snow storm of more than 18
inches. Everything was shut down.
We considered canceling services, but with a church that large, it is
impossible to notify everybody. I decided that Jo Ann and the four girls
should stay home, but I would go to the church for whoever showed up. We
would have some type of service.
It took forty minutes to walk the six blocks to the church. I knew there
was no chance our usual 300 to 350 people would make it. I was stunned,
however, when I discovered that of the 40 who did make it, 30 of them
were out of our senior adult group, age 60 and up.
You may think that the reason old people are often the most faithful is
because they have nothing else to do, but I propose it is because they
have found through life's experiences that nothing else is more important
to do than be involved in God's work with God's people.
3) They offered wisdom. This is one reason I like to hang around old
people. As a young 60 year old, I still find there are lots of things I
face where I could use the insight and wisdom of someone who has been
around longer than I. In fact, one of the smartest things a young pastor
will ever do is find an older pastor who will tell him all he knows.
Just think about it a second ---- would you rather have a 70 year old
surgeon with 40 years of experience or a 25 year old intern operate on
you?
Old people may have old fashioned opinions, they may be cranky when they
feel bad or don't get their way, they may have funny odors exuding from
their bodies, and they may seem to drag their feet at times, but they
have one thing most of the young ones don't have, and never will as
younger people ---- and that's wisdom.
A smart church is one that finds ways to capitalize on the wisdom that
the older generation still has to offer, and get as much of it as they
can. It will protect them from hasty choices.
A smart minister ---- fully funded, bi vocational, or volunteer ---- will
sit where ever wisdom spills out, and that's normally going to be from
older folk.
4) They offered experience. When it came time for me to provide
leadership in certain areas where I was a real novice, I found that some
of my greatest encouragement and insight came from some of my deacons who
had already been there.
I think of Carl, Aldon, and others, who not only kept me steady, but also
kept complainers off my back. They knew things and did things that are
only learned through experience. What they learned was worth passing on
to a young pastor in his mid 30's.
5) They offered memories. They offered their own memories through
wonderful stories far too numerous to mention ---- memories that made me
laugh, gave me hope, made me cry, made me sit in awe. And, often they
were the most animated and "alive" when they were sharing their memories.
Some of the most meaningful services I can recall have been those special
"anniversary" celebrations when a church looks back at its pilgrimage
from its beginnings to the present. Reading church histories can be
enlightening and often highly entertaining. Hearing about the past is
equally beneficial.
At the same time, these dear folks also helped me create memories of my
own, as they joined hands with me and my family in experiences and events
I will never forget.
A church that wants to face the future with courage as well as with grace
needs to have access to the memories of the older generation.
You can be sure, my friend, the church ---- any church ---- Your church
---- needs the old people.
4. Finally, YOU need them!
I cannot imagine what kind of person I would be today without my Great
Grandma Real who died when I was six ---- or my two sets of grand parents
---- or some of my Bible professors ---- or some of my deacons ---- or my
choir members ---- or my parents ---- or older pastors.
I think of Dr. Gale Shafer, retired pastor, who was a member of the last
church I pastored. Even though he chose to sit under my pastoral
leadership and be a student, it was I who was really the student. He
knew how to ask questions (for which he already knew the answers) in
order to get me to think, and to learn to articulate my thoughts in
understandable fashion.
I remember Carl Lippman, chairman of deacons, who willfully and joyfully
assumed the role of "buffer zone" between me and a couple other deacons
who were not patient enough (nor was I).
I remember Uncle John Scarborough, confined to a nursing home at age 100,
who, every time I asked him how he was doing would respond with blind
eyes twinkling, "Two in a row!"
Why are old people of such value to you? Because . . .
1) They can affirm you. One thing older folks have learned is the
difference between construction and demolition. One great old gentleman
told years ago that there were two ways to have the tallest building in
town. One was to tear all the others down, and the other was to be
persistent in long term building.
Old people have the capacity, especially if they see you need it and you
will receive it, to affirm you in such a way that you'll always come away
feeling that you grew instead of feeling like you've been beaten up.
True, they can also be very cranky, negative, and complaining, but I
think that's often because of the uncertainties and conditions I
mentioned earlier. Take time to sit down with one of those "old coots"
and pick his brain. You may be surprised by what you discover that will
build you up.
2) They can teach you. There is a great saying: "Methods come and
go, but principles remain the same." While the "methods" of old people
may sometimes be antiquated, just remember that the principles they
understand are invaluable treasure to cherish. While you may not use
their recommended methods, you can usually bank on the principles they
can teach.
3) They can chastise you. A young pastor, fresh out of seminary, was
known for his zeal, but not for his wisdom. He had not matured enough to
know when or how to temper his preaching so that it would be convicting
but not accusing.
He was known to sometimes in his exasperation say some very harsh things
from the pulpit to his people in ways that condemned, shamed, or hurt
them.
Yet, they loved him.
One day after services, a wise old gentleman came through the exiting
line and, as he paused and put his hand on the pastor's shoulder and with
a smile on his lips and a kind twinkle in his eye, said, "Pastor ---- you
can shear sheep many times, but you can skin them only once."
Be willing to take even the harshest and most unkind thing a person may
say, and ask the Lord to show you any truth imbedded therein and help you
grow from it.
4) They can encourage you. Those little old ladies in my first
pastorate were a constant encouragement to me. every time Mrs. Elsie
drove her "Widow Wed Wagon" up to the steps and unloaded a group of
widows and hurried off for another load, I was encouraged. every time
they would fill the first three center rows of pews they encouraged me.
Dr. Shafer's wife, "Mrs. Shafer" (I called her by her first name only
once, and quickly learned that was not the thing to do!) still says I'm
her favorite pastor. That, my friend, Still encourages me! We're going
to see them this coming Saturday in Wisconsin.
Sometimes they may not say it quite correctly ---- like the one dear lady
who came out the door after services and said, "Pastor, I declare!
Every sermon I hear you preach is better than the next!" But they can
surely encourage you. They know you need to be.
5) They can humble you. Friend, I have been humbled on many occasions
and in many ways, but nothing has humbled me more than watching an old
person endure pain and suffering just to be in God's house, or knowing
that someone literally gave the "widow's mite" to a special cause, or
that a group of fourteen ladies prayed faithfully for me for years.
And, the Lord surely knows that you and I both need to be humbled at
times ---- just to keep us in our places, and to help us maintain
perspective.
CONCLUSION:
So, friend ---- If I were To Start Over Again in vocational ministry, I
would start hanging around old people sooner, and I would do more of it.
Whatever you do, give the "senior" members of your congregation the
honor, respect, and gratitude they deserve, and that the Bible demands.
And then ---- follow it up with practical expressions of ministry to them
and fulfilling opportunities of ministry for them. You'll be very glad
you did. There are hundreds of Simeons and Annas wanting to be needed,
and needing to be wanted.
Have a wonderful week!
And ---- hang around an old person this week!
In Christ's Bond,
Bop Tolliver ---- (Rom 1:11-12)
Copyright January, 1999. All rights reserved.
If this letter has blessed you and you know of someone else who needs to
be encouraged, feel free to forward it in its entirety to all such people
you know.
If you would like a list of past issues which you could receive upon
request, just let us know.
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{ (O) (O) }
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Hang in there! I'm with you!
-------.oooo0--------------- Ooooo--------
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