Quote from Forum Archives on January 24, 1999, 6:15 pm

Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>

Standing Shoulder To Shoulder With You In The Trenches
As We fight The Good Fight

TITLE: "If I Were To Start Over -- Cherish My Family More" (Part 4)

My Dear Fellow Warrior:

How are you doing, my friend? I really hope this note finds you
prospering in the Lord, enjoying His goodness, accepting His steadfast
faithfulness, and eagerly receiving His healing and sustaining mercies.

And, I especially trust that you haven't given up for some reason. While
you may never fully see the fruition of your efforts and the goal you
have set, please remember that "The Joy Is In The Journey".

A good friend, Ron Mills, is one of America's finest evangelists. He
spoke to several hundred pastors in an evangelism conference recently. I
will never forget the title of his message ---- "It Is Always Too Soon To
Quit!" I have asked him to write a letter which I can share with you in
the future. As soon as I get it, I'll pass it on. In the meantime,
remember ---- "It Is Always Too Soon To Quit!"

AMERICA'S POLITICAL CRISIS:

This letter is designed specifically to encourage folks in ministry, and
never to promote any particular political agenda or ideology. However, I
recently received the e-mail addresses of nearly every senator and
representative in our U.S. Congress, and would be more than happy to send
them to you if you felt you needed them.

I know that at this particular time in our national history our senators
need to hear from the citizenry concerning issues before them. Just let
me know if you like. This coming week could well be a major turning
point for our country. I have written personally to every senator this
past week. You or someone you know may want to write as well.

Enough about that.

COMMENTS ABOUT LAST WEEK'S LETTER:

A few months ago Jo Ann and I were blessed to minister in a church
pastored by the writer of the following note. I wanted you to read some
of his comments about the story I initially shared nearly a year ago of
my Father's firing which led to his Bible reading pilgrimage. Enjoy.

"I just finished reading the newest shoulder to shoulder. I just wanted
to say thanks. We just got back from the
Evangelism conference last evening, and I am challenged and excited about
how God worked to convict me and to challenge me. When I saw you two
lovely people on stage and heard you share your testimony with Bro. Dave,
I was
encouraged all over again by your quiet peace. Your joy is evident and I
pray God continues to bless all that you put your hand to.

"I have not forgotten our time together, and just so you know, I have
never been in a better series of meetings that I can remember. Things
for me started changing then. God used you for me to watch, and I just
wanted to say thank you for having such a heart for we pastors. Thank
you for sharing your life with us.

"Please tell your father that I too have prayed his prayer, but because
of his story I now know how to get back, and have made a new commitment
to read God's Word. For me it has been a hard discipline to stay in the
Bible. I must confess that I too often read it for sermon texts and not
enough for filling the empty place in my own soul that was created just
for His Word. Bill."

FILLING EMPTY PLACES:

What a profound phrase ---- "filling the empty place in my own soul that
was created just for His Word"! Graphic description. Friend, only the
Word of God will fill certain empty places in our souls. How tragic that
we resort to other substitutes that neither fit nor satisfy.

IF I WERE TO START OVER IN MINISTRY:

I don't intend this series to be long. While there are many other
subjects I could write about, I feel next week's may possibly be the
last one in this series. (We both will find out next week, won't we.)

John Palmer, a friend who is the pastor to our oldest daughter and her
family, pastors a large and successful church in Iowa. I always eagerly
anticipate his weekly notes in their church paper. Just before
Christmas, John, who frequently talks about and brags on his family,
shared a note he found on his study desk recently from his youngest
daughter, Bethany.

"Dear dad, what do you want for Christmas? I wish you would, you could
be home more. I know that you are [tring] to teach about Jesus. I hope
you get what [wanat] for Christmas! Merry Christmas! Bethany"

Those wonderful little comments from a child strip away the flimsy and
false excuses we as ministers can use for neglecting our own families.
If I were to start over, I'd cherish my family more.

Thanks, Bethany, for reminding us all. I hope you get your wish for
your daddy. And thank you, John, for sharing your heart with us.

Another reason I write about that subject today is because my wonderful
Jo Ann and I celebrate our 40th Wedding Anniversary this coming Friday,
the 29th. Then on February 27th, we celebrate her XY birthday. If I
were to start over, I'd cherish my family more.

A third reason for this subject is because of the pride I feel when I see
our daughters, their husbands, and our grandchildren growing in the Lord
and serving Him faithfully.

Over the years my heart has sometimes been haunted by the sense that
these women turned out the way they did In Spite of me more than Because
of me. Gratefully, whenever that happened, one of our girls would say or
do something to remind me that we did the best we knew how, and that
whatever we did, the ultimate choices they made were theirs and not ours.

"I WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO":

When I first began in ministry I was not married. However, just a few
years later I was married and we had children. I wish I could say that
the ministry was a joint venture from the beginning, but it wasn't ----
mainly because I didn't recognize it that way.

True, Jo Ann knew God had called her to be a minister's wife ---- long
before I knew her. In those early years I really assumed that I would be
the one in the limelight and she would pretty much be a supportive
stay-at-home wife and mother. It wasn't a chauvinist thing, it was just
an assumption on my part.

In a sense, my life was somewhat "compartmentalized" away from you role
as husband and father.

And, because of who she was, I knew beyond doubt that Jo Ann would
support and encourage me ---- she's that kind of woman.

After a few years and a few children, you can imagine my shock ---- and
irritation, to be quite honest ---- when one night when I was heading out
again to another church committee meeting, she came up to me with tears
in her eyes and said, "I wish you didn't have to go."

"What??? Well, so do I, but don't you remember that I've been called to
the ministry, and it comes first in my life???? If the Lord called me to
this, then He has to come first. You need to check your priorities."

The tears I saw in her eyes were nothing compared to the wound I viewed
in her heart. Without knowing I had done it, and speaking out of my own
personal frustration over the very same thing (though unwilling to
acknowledge it), I had just dumped an enormous load of guilt,
condemnation, and low self esteem on the woman God had given me to be my
partner in life and service.

I had unconsciously labeled my wife into something she was absolutely
Not! ---- a selfish petty wife and a second-class Christian ---- all in
one twenty-second burst of angry arrogance and frustrated piosity.

I have never forgotten that.

There were other times when that "I wish you didn't have to go" comment
was made. My girls learned to use it. In my better moments I would
agree, and even modify it ---- "I wish I didn't have to go, too."

The outcome of those feelings was not good.

THE RESULTS:

I cannot imagine all the consequences of my failure to get my priorities'
focus off of myself and onto the Word of God, and then get my priorities
lined up to God's Word until much later in life. I do know that I felt
the following consequences resulted:

I feel like . . . .

1. I made my wife feel like she was out of fellowship with God and was
an inferior Christian and a terrible person for having the feelings ----
and the needs ---- she had.

2. I made her feel unimportant to my ministry and in my life, no matter
how much I insisted to the contrary.

3. I placed condemnation on her, both by insinuation and silence, over
the way she felt.

4. I put her in a position of being tempted to resent my ministry ----
and even God ---- by allowing the "ministry" to become her competitor and
adversary over my time, energies, and attention ---- very much like the
ministry was another "woman" in my life.

5. Because she knew she didn't have a chance in "competing" with God, I
placed her in a "no win" situation with no way out. In so doing, I
crushed her spirit and her will to love, to care, to minister, and to
serve with complete freedom.

6. I reduced her to the positions of maid and mistress whose primary
responsibilities were to satisfy my various needs and lend glowing
support to my ministry role.

7. I placed my children in a vulnerable position to be tempted to resent
God, the church, my ministry, ---- and even me ---- for frequently being
"out" of their lives more than I was "in".

8. I embarrassed my four daughters (and Jo Ann, too) by not attending
most of the parent/teacher sessions, concerts, and athletic events of
which they were part. They finally quit asking ---- they just assumed I
wouldn't go.

9. I set them up to the possibility of developing highly distorted
concepts about the Christian life which could have easily led to
rebellion against Jo Ann and me, against the church, and against God
Himself.

10. I created a philosophy that, if we're really good Christians, we
have to choose between family and ministry, and that choosing ministry
was a sign of dedication.

My friend! ---- I felt like I did all this ---- and More! ---- simply
because of my own ignorance concerning what real Biblical ministry is and
how it relates to the family.

Fortunately, because Jo Ann isn't the type of woman who is easily
offended, most of these consequences were minimal to them; but I agonized
with them for years. But for the grace of God, they could have been
catastrophic.

If I were to start over ---- I'd Cherish My Family More!

YOU MAY BE WONDERING ABOUT THE OUTCOME:

Well ---- you can imagine just how grateful I am that God mercifully
straightened me out before it was too late. During the growing up years
the worst "parent/child" issues we faced were, 1) when our youngest
decided she wanted to go to a Junior High dance, and 2) what to do when
we got all those unsolicited "do you know what [sister's name] did?"
reports bringing us up to date on the latest gross sins committed by her
peers.

Jo Ann and I rejoice that all four of our girls are followers of Jesus
Christ, between them they gave us four fantastic sons-in-law and eight
grand children, and two of them are now involved in vocational ministry
while a third one served in the past in such a position. All of them are
working very hard at being godly women, having strong Christian homes,
and raising their children in the ways of the Lord.

Sadly, while we have constant communication and contact with three of our
girls, it will be three years next month since we have seen or heard from
the fourth. As a result of some traumatic events over a period of
several years early in her marriage, and as a result of heretical counsel
from a pastor who claimed to be a qualified and certified counselor, she
has broken contact with us. Any contact we have with those grand
children comes through the graciousness of our former son-in-law, who is
still "family" to us.

THE PROMISES OF HEALING:

I can positively declare that the promises of God are "Yes!" in Him and
"Amen!" to the glory of the Father, and the mercies of God are "new ----
EVERY morning!". Let me note two such assurances.

1. In the early 1970's, Cheri broke her arm ---- for the second time in
less than a year. The day to have the cast removed we were in the middle
of a Bible conference on the Life of Faith, led by Manley Beasley. When
the cast was removed we learned the arm had healed back crooked. Two
days later we returned to the hospital where it broken again ---- the
Third time! ---- and reset.

In my agony and crying out to God, He gave me a "Family Promise" I have
clung to for more than 25 years ---- and continue to cling to even today
for all four of our daughters. It is Isaiah 44:3-4.

"For I will pour out water on the thirsty land and streams on the dry
ground; I will pour out My Spirit on your Offspring, and My blessing on
your descendants; and they will spring up among the grass like poplars by
streams of water. This one will say, 'I am the Lord's'; and that one
will call on the name of Jacob; and another will write on his hand,
'Belonging to the Lord', and [another] will name Israel's name with
honor." (Notice ---- four for four.)

I am absolutely convinced that this promise is the reason we have four
great children, four wonderful sons-in-law, and eight extraordinary
grandchildren. Because of His faithfulness I am convinced that someday,
perhaps not on this earth, we will all be reunited.

2. In the early 1980's while pastoring a small church, God used a pastor
in Michigan's Upper Peninsula to give some very important "prophetic"
encouragement to me about our ministry.

Months later, in sharing it with one of three men who have influenced me
more than any others, a pastor with whom I had served earlier, Jim Hylton
assured me that God would "restore the years the locusts had eaten" (Joel
2:25). I have watched that take place consistently and progressively
ever since, and eagerly anticipate its continuation and ultimate
completion.

My wife is not only my wife, but my very best friend. I'd rather hang
around her than anybody I know. In fact, frankly, I'm a real pest
getting in her way every chance I get. Right now as I write, she's at
the sewing machine, and you can bet your boots I'd rather be sitting with
her on the couch in the family room than be separated from her by two
walls and a five-foot wide bathroom while I write this letter to you.

Nothing makes me more proud than my four girls. They are not only my
children, but three of them are also great friends ---- the fourth will
be someday. I value their role still as our "little girls. However,
when you're 39, 38, 37, and 34, it's hard to maintain that image. So,
it's such a thrill to see them and their husbands as "co-laborers
together", as partners, as fellow pilgrims. Jo Ann and I cherish their
phone calls and their presence.

SO ---- BE OF GOOD CHEER:

My friend, God is faithful to restore those years the locusts may have
stolen from you and your family. He has sent the early rain; He will
also send the latter.

But ---- be alert to the dangers that can steal your richness in your
family from you . . .

1. Misguided zeal in your own heart to serve the Lord fully on one field
to the neglect of the primary field He gave you ---- your family.

2. A dis-proportioned religious system that fosters neglect of family by
unrealistic job descriptions, pressures to succeed and perform, and
ministry concepts and duties that dismantle rather than build up the
family unit.

3. Unrealistic expectations from people who have, intentionally or
unintentionally, tried to assume ownership not only of your skills, but
also your ministry, your time, your family, and your loyalty.

4. An intentional and strategically planned Satanic attack to distort,
deceive, and destroy God's most prized institutions ---- the home,
especially the home of ministers, and through that, the Church of the
Lord Jesus Christ.

God is faithful, however, if we will submit fully to Him ---- to heal, to
restore, to re-tool, to re-energize, and re-commission.

If you are in a family situation where there is conflict between ministry
and family, then something is wrong ---- bad wrong. Since God Never ----
Never ---- says or does things that are in contradiction or competition,
there are only two possible reasons why something is wrong.

1. Your understanding of or response to the clear teaching of God's word
is out of balance, or . . .

2. The religious system of which you are a part is not in sync with
God's Word and expected practice.

WHAT TO DO:

Above all, don't try to figure this out yourself! Our own intellect and
understanding based primarily on logic are totally incapable of
recognizing, understanding and responding to such a situation correctly.
The same is true for your friends ---- and for me. So I can't tell you
specifically what to do. I can share some starting points, though.

What should you do?

1. You and your spouse get with God. Cry out to Him to heal the hurts
and misunderstandings, rebuild your sense of true identity in Christ, and
give Divine Revelation as to how you need to respond to the circumstances
in which you find yourself.

2. Begin rebuilding affirmation, value, and intimate relationships with
each member of your family, helping them to know of your sacrificial love
for them and their importance to you.

3. Integrate your family and your ministry so that they know they are
your ministry is them along with others, that you are committed to
ministering to them as much as you are to others, and that they are
important to the way you minister to others.

4. Spend adequate time together, and diligently guard and protect your
time with them so that only dire emergencies would take you away from
your commitments to your family.

5. Agree, both with your family and with your ministry peers or
superiors, on some specific steps of action that verify and demonstrate
the importance of your family.

It may take time. It may even take drastic steps on your part ---- or on
the part of those with whom you minister.

But ---- whatever it takes, wherever it takes you, and how ever long it
takes ---- it will be worth it.

No human relationship is more important in the life of a minister than
that of deeply cherishing the family God has given you, and being
eternally grateful for each member therein.

You can "bet your boots", my friend ---- if I were to start over in
vocational ministry, I would Cherish My Family More.

Have a great week!

In Christ's Bond,

Bob Tolliver ---- (Rom 1:11-12)
Copyright January, 1999. All rights reserved.

P.S. By the way ---- don't try to contact me Thursday and Friday; I'm
taking Jo Ann for a little anniversary holiday in Eureka Springs, AR so I
can buy a ceramic model of the "Taliferro House" in Williamsburg, VA.
Then we're going back to Bass Pro Shop again ---- to eat at Hemingway's,
of course. 🙂 (In truth, if you were to ask Jo Ann, she'd say I really
pamper and spoil her ---- to her heart's content.)

If this letter has blessed you and you know of someone else who needs to
be encouraged, feel free to forward it in its entirety to all such people
you know.

If you would like a list of past issues which you could receive upon
request, just let us know.

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Hang in there! I'm with you!

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