SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #95 ---- 11/8/99
Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>
As We fight The Good Fight
SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #95 ---- 11/8, 1999
TITLE: "Healing Through Grieving ---- A Church's Pathway To
Restoration" (Part Three)
My Dear Partner and Friend in Ministry;
What a great week we've had! What a great day we had yesterday! All
week we got to play the "Grandma and Grandpa" role with our youngest
grandson, Michael, age two ---- 100% two! Yesterday we got to share in a
birth ----the birth of a new church, commissioned, released, and sent
from the church where I serve as interim pastor.
Michael is actually "Tolliver Michael Reynolds". You may wonder why his
first name is the same as my last name. It was my son-in-law's idea.
You see, in America my family name goes all the way back to the early
1600's and Jamestown, Virginia, where Robert Tolliver and his wife landed
before the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth.
They had five sons and two daughters. Early American history and places
like Williamsburg and Jamestown are replete with evidences of the
Tolliver footprints walking through nation-creating events.
To my knowledge, all the Tolliver's in America derive their names from
that family fourteen generations back. So, when all our children turned
out to be daughters, I knew in my heart that the Tolliver name in our
lineage was about to end with my death. All of my cousins were girls
except one, Kenny. He has a son, but I don't.
When Jim realized this, he suggested to our daughter, Deanna, that if
they had a son, they name him Tolliver Michael. After this past week,
though, I'm thinking of calling him "Mighty Mike".
I'm glad they named him Tolliver. I'm also glad they call him Michael,
but I know of no greater honor I have ever received than Jim's unselfish
expression of appreciation and generosity of giving his son two last
names ---- a first last name, and a last last name.
That's the way "family" is to be ---- loving, caring, generous, looking
for ways to affirm and encourage, blessing.
And, that's what we also saw yesterday with the commissioning of a new
church. I hope they will be "mighty", too. They are embarking on a
challenging pilgrimage ---- that of functioning exclusively as a "house
church" committed to sharing the Gospel message with those who otherwise
would not be drawn to a traditional type church, and then discipling them
and helping give birth to other "house churches".
This group is a lot like Michael ---- different.
By that I mean that, just as Michael is unique and different from our
other seven grand children (and the two more on the way from Russia),
this group will be different ---- as it should be. Just as cloning is
not God's idea for the human family, neither is it for the family of God.
He wants us to all be unique and willing to be as different as necessary
to reach more people, and yet different by calling and gifting rather
than by preference or convenience.
FODDER FOR FAMILY FEUDS:
Such a situation as this can often be tinder for church family conflicts.
In fact, not everyone in this mother church was in favor of the church's
action to bless, release, and send these families. Some of the events I
mentioned two weeks ago took place in the process. Thus far, though,
most of the people have responded the way good families should and
usually do. If they will continue to seek out the Biblical principles of
church family life and interaction, this experience will become a
blessing even to the most adamantly opposed individual.
Today I conclude my thoughts over the issue of "Healing Through Grieving
---- A Church's Pathway To Restoration".
1. Two weeks ago in reviewing some characteristic events that often
require thorough grieving in order for a family to be healthy, I
mentioned death, divorce, devastating events, divisive fights and
conflicts, runaway rebellions children, suicides, and death prior to
birth. I referred to the loss of a pastor under good conditions, the
forced termination of a pastor, church tragedies, runaway members, etc.
2. Then last week I discussed some of the characteristics that indicate
a grieving process has been prematurely terminated, thus resulting in
hurts, angers, and pain still hidden inside, just waiting for an
opportunity to burst out in painful and destructive expressions.
I mentioned things such as . . .
1) A feeling of personal loss that nobody else understands.
2) A trend toward personal isolation, where you no longer feel part
of the group and you feel alone in your grief.
3) A loss of meaningful and constructive communication, resulting in
keeping everything inside and unexpressed.
4) A tendency to avoid other members of the family, often uncertain
of how others feel, therefore hesitant to be around those you feel unsure
of.
5) A pattern of preoccupation with meaningless "busy" activity
designed to keep you busy enough that you don't take time to grieve over
the church's loss as you should.
6) A proneness to use hurtful words spoken from a hurting heart that
has not grieved adequately.
7) A sense of confusion over relationships and decisions, unclear as
to where loyalties may need to lie, and uncertain as to just who loves
you and who doesn't, and for what reason.
8) A migration of members, clustering themselves around issues,
events, or personalities ---- unconsciously setting the stage for
eventual choosing sides over issues and preferences.
9) Frequent feelings of frustration often expressed through outbursts
of anger, often over small and petty things.
10) A temptation to take up offenses in behalf of others through
improper forms of sympathizing with people who have been hurt in some
way.
Today I conclude by covering two remaining concepts ---- Elements of a
Grieving Process, and Keys to Restoring Church Family Unity and Health.
ELEMENTS OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS:
Various educators, psychologists, social workers, and counselors have
formulated their respective descriptions of what all goes into the
process of grieving over a loss. I'm far from a professional, but I see
about seven elements that people experience when they proceed through the
sorrow of family hurts, even in church families.
1. The first is Shock and Unbelief over the event. "I can't believe
this is happening!" is a common response to many tragic events that take
place in the life of a church. No matter what else we know about a
church, we do know it is made up of human beings with feet of clay and
who do some really stupid things sometimes.
When a staff member has a moral failure, a pastor is fired, a church
member is tragically killed, we are usually thoroughly shocked when we
first learn of the situation. We have a hard time really believing it
could have happened. Given time, the shock subsides.
2. Next is the issue of Denial. Sometimes it is momentary and at other
times it will last weeks or months. I recently saw an illustration of
denial while watching a sit-com on television. A woman mistakenly though
the leading male character was her husband, when, in fact, her husband
had been dead three months. She was just denying the fact.
Far too many churches stick their heads in the sand when faced with
traumatic events. A member commits a gross sin, and the church wants to
pretend it never happened. A family disintegrates and the church ducks
its head in denial, pretending to know nothing of the problem. A teen
ager gets pregnant, and the church turns its back on the family,
rejecting any responsibility to minister grace and healing. All are
forms of denial.
3. Then comes Anger. After working through the process of denial and
finally coming to grips with the reality of the heart break, then anger
begins to surface. Sometimes it is anger toward the church leadership
for not being able to handle the situation. Sometimes it is anger with
one's self. Often it is anger toward the "offending" party for doing
such a stupid thing. Most often, however, it is anger toward God for
allowing His sovereignty to incorporate such a painful event.
4. Running to the "rescue" is often the next thing that happens in the
cycle. If, in the process, we find that someone we love has been hurt or
accused, we try to put on the appearance of genuine caring by trying to
rescue that person from the attacks, or from the pain of their hurt.
While there is clearly a place for ministering to hurting people,
As long as the church family has failed to properly grieve, it will often
find some project or cause to take on as a means of soothing the pain of
incomplete grieving. It's like a mother whose child was run over and
killed by her own car when she failed to set the brake, then feverishly
and obsessively drives herself into the ground trying to make sure all
other children are protected from such possible accidents. Because of
guilt agitated from lack of thorough grieving, she tries to mask her
overwhelming sorrow by becoming a crusader for a related cause.
A church can do the same thing.
5. Eventually there is a fatalistic admission that the "tragedy" really
happened, you cannot change it, and the damage has been done. This can
lead to a hopeless remorse that leaves no room for hope and restoration.
Once a person or a church family goes through those steps, a fatal
consequence often transpires, consisting of the following two elements.
6. Slipping into a "Survival" mode of coping with the memory of the
past, the futility of the present, and the hopelessness of the future.
Now that the event has been acknowledged, a person can easily become
"zombie" like, just going through the motions, refusing to face reality,
and, without joy or hope, simply strive to survive.
Churches do the same thing. They look at the heart break and pain of the
past, anticipate that history will repeat itself in the future, and,
therefore, settle into a pitiful mode of surviving from day to day, week
to week.
7. On the other hand, a church family may choose to simply try to ignore
the problem, sweeping it under the rug, pretending it never happened,
stuff all the hurts and emotions down inside, and find some pretentious
way to get on with life as if nothing happened.
My friend, there is no doubt that our world is filled with churches who
have not adequately grieved over one or more painful experience of the
past, and, consequently, they remain wounded, sick with infection,
exhausted from energy-draining fever, and basically incapable of
functioning in a healthy condition that will allow life, joy, and purpose
to be produced as God intended. It takes a healthy parent to give birth,
and particularly to give birth to whole babies.
So ---- the pain continues, and the pretense goes on ---- while a lost
world, disappointed with the lack of attention and compassion they
expected from the church, goes spiraling even further towards eternity
without salvation, without hope, ---- and without ever knowing there was
an answer, all because some church somewhere failed to get over its own
misery by dealing with it instead of being preoccupied with its own
problems and insensitivity toward the reason it exists in the first place
---- to bear the Gospel to every creature in every nation.
In order to hide that ugly truth, that church immerses itself into energy
burning, resource exhausting, fruitless programs, campaigns, and projects
unconsciously designed to give off the pretense of life, vitality, and
commitment to the Great Commission.
They could have avoided the whole thing if they had just learned to
recognize the appropriate time and means for grieving over those
inevitable moments of heart break and pain that are a part of life ----
even the life of a church.
KEYS TO RESTORING UNITY AND HEALTH:
So ---- once we know the real problem (incompleted grieving), and we know
the solution (grieve it out of your system), how to we do it?
Well, these thoughts are not comprehensive, but they are what I shared
with that church three weeks ago. Maybe they will help you as well,
either in doing your own grieving, or in helping others do theirs.
1. Care ---- enough to humble yourself and become a healer. Most people
care, ---- just not enough.
How much is "enough"?
However much it takes to break down the walls, take off the mask, and
walk away from the pretense that everything is alright. You must be
wiling to be openly vulnerable and transparent ---- going back to taking
the veil off, about which I wrote recently, which Moses failed to do.
We must care enough that we are willing to be misunderstood, scorned, and
even castigated, if it means the restoration of unity, relationships, and
health in the life of our church.
2. Hold each other ---- without lecturing. There is a time and place
for instruction, correction, rebuke, even consoling and building up.
However, there are also times when no words need be spoken. People need
to just be "held" so they can weep the garbage and infection out of their
souls. During such times, people don't need to know what you think ----
they just need to know you care, and that you're there.
3. Cry. To this day I vividly remember an event in the early 1970's
when a middle aged couple rushed into my study just before worship
service was to begin, informing me that the doctors feared she may have
Rabbit Fever. As I saw their fear and despair, my only response was,
"let's pray".
As I began to pray, the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me with an identification
with their pain, fear, and despair ---- and I began to weep
uncontrollably. All I could do was whisper a broken prayer in small and
simple child like phrases between emotional outbursts.
Years later this couple reminded me of that event and said that it was
then they knew I was really their pastor ---- because I cried with them.
That's not the only time, and certainly not the last time I have cried
with my people. It's easy for a pastor to cry Over his people, if he has
an ounce of spiritual humility in his bones. It's another thing to cry
With them.
If you can't cry with your people, I believe I'd be checking it out as to
why.
4. Lay down the hurts and begin to restore. Somewhere in the process, a
church family has to turn loose of the memories of that painful past.
When we fail to turn loose, it is usually because we're trying to avoid
eminent pain, or we're trying to substitute real healing with band aids.
It's easy ---- even natural ---- to shy away from pain by holding on to
them ---- like a little boy clutching his skinned knee, therefore
prohibiting the antiseptic and the bandage from being applied.
Laying them down ---- turning loose of them ---- is essential if the hurt
is to be relieved, the wound is to be healed, and health and vitality are
to be restored.
5. Pray ---- from a broken heart. In the same church I mentioned
earlier, I experienced one of the greatest tragedies of my ministry when
my secretary abandoned her husband and children to run off with another
man more than twenty years older than she was. I still see the picture
in my mind even now.
After she dropped all her keys on my desk and left my study to be picked
up by someone taking her to her lovers' rendezvous, I drove home in a
daze, walked into the house, and sat down in the living room. As I
attempted to tell Jo Ann what had just happened, words failed me, and I
began again to weep out of control.
Jo Ann became extremely anxious for my own welfare, thinking I was having
a heart attack. In that instant, God showed me how it felt to have a
broken heart ---- and then seemed to say, "That's what I feel every day
over somebody."
How I praise God for His marvelous provision for an ever present Holy
Spirit who, when words fail us and emotions capture us, prays in our
behalf "with groanings that cannot be uttered".
Grieving, heart broken churches, dear friend, require heard broken
praying ---- crying out to God, knowing all hope is gone, yet confident
that sufficient hope is here.
FINALLY:
Do you know of a church who perhaps has not adequately grieved over some
great loss or painful event? If so, tell that church they need to allow
their grief to be freely expressed.
There is unbelievable healing and release into fullness when we are free
to grieve. "Weeping may last through the night, ---- but joy comes in
the morning!"
I am convinced God desires for healthy, vital, joyous churches. Often it
is through the release of grieving that such a church is born. How can
you enthusiastically face an uncertain future if you have not been set
free from a painful past by mourning it and all it contained?
The writer of Lamentations reminds us that there is a time for joy ----
but there is also a time for grieving. If your church is not healthy and
vibrant, it may be needing to deal with some issues of the past which
have not been properly "grieved out". Lead them to do it.
This has been an unusual little series I have shared these past three
weeks. I pray it has been helpful.
In Christ's Bond,
Bob Tolliver
URGENT DAY FOR UKRAINE:
Jo Ann and I have ministered in the Ukraine before, and have numerous
close friends there. I am asking you to share the following information
with your church, Christian friends, and other believers, and jointly cry
out to God for His Purpose to be accomplished in this upcoming election.
"The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."
"Ukraine's pro-Christian president has been thrown into a run-off
election with the leading Communist candidate. Leonid Kuchma received 37%
of the vote Oct. 31 while Communist Party leader Petro Symnonenko was
second with 23.9%, The Associated Press said. The run-off vote is Nov.
14. Christians are supporting Kuchma (see link below) because he has
allowed them greater freedom and has apologized for oppression by the
Soviet-era government. The vote will determine to a great extent whether
the country continues to have religious and economic independence from
Russia, observers say. "The Ukrainian people must choose whether they go
in the direction of Europe or the opposite way, to direct dependence on
Russia," candidate Hennadiy Udovenko said.
"http://www.religiontoday.com/Archive/FeatureStory/view.cgi?file=19990927.s1.html"
Bob Tolliver ---- (Rom 1:11-12)
Copyright November, 1999. All rights reserved.
If this letter has blessed you and you know of someone else who needs to
be encouraged, feel free to forward it in its entirety to all such people
you know.
If you would like a list of past issues which you could receive upon
request, just let us know.
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Hang in there! I'm with you!
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