Quote from Forum Archives on November 1, 1999, 12:24 am

Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>

Standing Shoulder To Shoulder With You In The Trenches
As We fight The Good Fight

SHOULDER TO SHOULDER #94 ---- 11/01/99

TITLE: "Healing Through Grieving ---- A Church's Pathway To
Restoration" (Part Two)

Greetings, Friend and Co-Laborer in Ministry:

What a wonderful day God has provided for you and me to enjoy and use.
I'm so glad that includes the opportunity of sharing together with you
again. I am one of the most blest men on the face of the earth!

Add to all that another wonderful Sunday, and I'm feeling like the king
of the hill.

POST SCRIPTS AHEAD:

In trying to "cut to the chase" more quickly, I've decided to put
extraneous things at the end of my letters so you can get into the meat
of the matter more quickly. Please be sure to scroll down below my
signature to read about . . .
1. Another "hoax" to be aware of.
2. Two urgent prayer requests.
3. A need for "handy men" and preachers for a late May Croatia trip.

LAST WEEK'S LETTER:

I am overwhelmed by the comments received in reference to last week's
letter ---- not only from people regarding their churches, but also some
who realized they had not adequately grieved over personal losses and
wounds.

Here are three examples:

1. From a former church staff member:

"I realized I had not appropriately grieved for the loss of my birth
mother. . . . the tears started to come. . . . I realized what a loss I
had suffered. I had tried to pretend that the relationship wasn't as
strong as it really was."

2. From a missionary in Bosnia:

"I read your Shoulder to Shoulder today with great delight. Your family
images are exciting to compare with some images God has shown me as I
have been writing a study guide on reconciling relationships over the
past two years. . . . very similar to the format of Experiencing God
study guide. It is born out of my infatuation with forgiveness and how
it is a central part of reconciliation that leads toward restoration. . .
. I enjoyed reading your imagery and realized that there are many people
focusing on the similarities of the family and the church."

3. Very interesting insights from a layman who grew up in a pastor's
home:

"Thank you again and again for your open ministry to those that hurt, be
it the church, the minister, or the members of a given church.

". . . Family -- what does it mean to the orphan that has been shipped
from one foster family to another all their life, what does it mean to
the teen who's father has not been involved with the raising of that
child, what does it mean to the elderly man with no wife or children?
Probably not the same as to the child of loving parents that show their
love to the child as well as each other and those around them.

"It is my belief that much of the pain associated with the issues you
describe in this week's letter have to do with individual "DREAMS" being
stolen or broken. . . . When helping my children deal with the results
of my divorce, I found that the problem they had that caused the most
pain was the fact that the dreams they had for the future would never be
fulfilled."

IN REVIEW:

Last week I noted seven things that are occasions for churches (or
families) to grieve ----

1. . . . Death (congenial loss of a pastor or staff member),
2. . . . Divorce (strained loss of a pastor or staff member by
Intimidated or forced resignation, or firing,
3. . . . Devastating events,
4. . . . Divisive conflicts,
5. . . . "Runaway children",
6. . . . Suicide, and
7. . . . Deaths before birth.

I also indicated that most churches don't take the time to sufficiently
go through the entire grieving process before they try to move on. As a
result, they carry unresolved baggage, and unhealed wounds into the next
"relationship" of a new pastor, a new staff member, a new vision, or a
new project.

Ultimately, they do not clearly perceive the future because they are
blinded by the tears, de-energized by the pain, and loaded down with the
burden of those past experiences. When they try to go on, they react to
each other and to particular circumstances (especially those that remind
them of the past events) in often unChristlike and debilitating ways.

That is what I want to discuss today . . . .

CHARACTERISTICS OF INADEQUATE GRIEVING:

While there are certainly other signs that a church family has not
properly grieved over its past, these are some that come to mind. I have
seen many of these in innumerable churches where I have ministered, even
in the one where I now serve as Interim Pastor. For example . . .

1. A feeling of personal loss that "nobody else understands".
Nothing is more painful than to feel that not even members of your own
family understand your loss. A hurting family member looks around at
others and concludes that they just don't understand how he or she
really feels deep inside. This fosters further hurt, disappointment with
the other members, and a feeling of resentment toward others and
aloneness from still others.

Those reactions further fragment the church family as a whole. It is one
thing to be polarized, because you can usually see that pretty clearly.
Fragmentation,on the other hand, is more difficult to see, because each
fragment stands alone with few if any others by his side or even coming
to the rescue.

Because he feels alone, he thinks and acts differently. He may,
therefore, be perceived as someone with a chip on his shoulder, sullen or
uncooperative, or simply being "stand-off-ish".

2. A tendency toward isolation. When an individual family member is
hurting and unable to come to terms with his own feelings about what has
happened, the first reaction is to stay away from the crowd. In other
words, at least emotionally and perhaps even physically, isolate one's
self from other people.

Why? Sometimes because he knows that others think differently about a
situation than he does. At other times, it is because he Doesn't know
what others think.

Either way, when a person is holding his thoughts and feelings inside and
not openly sharing them and receiving ministry for them, the surface pain
eventually catches up to the inner pain so much so that he cannot stand
to be around other members of the church family. So he isolates himself
more and more, sometimes to the point of totally dropping out, ---- or
going to find another family who will care.

3. The loss of meaningful and constructive communication. Because a
family member feels nobody understands (or perhaps nobody agrees with his
feelings), and because the emotional freeze of isolation has set in, the
automatic result will be the loss of genuine productive communication.

Sometimes it is a "cold freeze", and other times it is intimidating fear.
Regardless of which, the communication stops. People don't talk about
it, but, instead put up a front and wear a mask at church family
gatherings, in essence denying that the hurt exists and pretending that
everything is alright. If everything is alright, then there's nothing to
talk about. Therefore, communication still isn't needed.

4. Avoidance among family members. Akin to isolation as noted above,
this symptom simply exacerbates the problem. Whereas isolation is
primarily a defense mechanism intended to protect from pain, intentional
avoidance of other members of the church family is also that ---- Plus a
subtle effort to let others know that other person is someone to be
avoided (a more humane word for spiritually and emotionally shunning),
and is intended to inflict pain.

5. Preoccupation with meaningless "busy" activity. Probably no
single thing is more highly practiced and more clearly symptomatic of
incomplete grieving than the act of trying to avoid, evade, or ignore the
memory of or reality of hurtful experiences of the past by finding other
things to occupy your time and attention ---- and especially trying to
select activities and projects that have the symbol of "Christian duty or
purpose" attached to them.

Some people, when they are insufficiently grieving, will pay almost any
price to fill their lives with energy burning, attention getting, issue
avoiding service. Such activities do two things ---- one, it distracts
the hurting person from the real issues, and two, it gives a false image
of everything being alright. It's their way of saying, "Everything's
fine. This didn't affect me at all. Others may be struggling, but I'm
o.k."

6. Hurtful words. Have you ever noticed that, more times than not,
the snarling dog is the hurting dog ---- especially when someone tries to
help? I've been bitten more than once by a dog who needed my help in
removing a thorn from his paw, a tick from his ear, or a cockle burr from
his tail.

When a fellow believer is wounded, and that wound has become infected
because of the absence of the antiseptic of corporate grieving, if he
doesn't escape through isolation and cessation of communication, he will
try to escape through sharp, opinionated, and intentionally hurtful words
toward others ---- often toward those in positions of authority or those
he perceives as being in opposition to him.

When the absence of corporate grieving reaches this level, it may well be
reaching a crisis showdown. After those hurtful words have perhaps
traveled through the long fuse of telephone lines, the situation very
well may reach the explosive state in a Sunday school classroom, a
committee meeting, a church service, or a business meeting.

When that happens, the disastrous damage is inevitable, and all efforts
of picking up the pieces and putting things back together will be long,
arduous, and probably disappointing. Such efforts will never be
completely successful or satisfactory. The damage "below deck" will be
beyond comprehension, no matter how clean and glossy the upper deck is
made, and no matter how much the brass has been polished.

7. Confusion over relationships, loyalties, and decisions. When
inadequate grieving has taken place, many gray and shadowy areas remain.
Walking in and out of the shadows of uncertainties regarding loyalty
placement, hesitancy over relationships, and poorly understood decisions
will allow the subtle winds of confusion to blow clouds of suspicion,
skepticism, and accusation over a family of believers.

This, of course, is magnified because there is too little transparent
communication and too much isolation and avoidance. As a result, all
these symptoms will simply intensify, the winds of confusion will only
blow harder, and the clouds will get only darker ---- until it eventually
becomes a midnight hurricane. Destruction is near, if not eminent.

8. "Clustering" over issues, events, and loyalties among family
members. As members struggle in the raging storm, trying to save their
own identity and sense of significance, floundering in the seas of
desperation, they will grasp for any piece of wreckage they can find ----
a cause, an issue, an event, a loyalty.

Some will cling to whether or not to carpet the sanctuary, while others
try to climb on top of a timber from a building campaign. Some will
declare "loyalty to the death" to the former pastor, while others will
opt for the "good old days the way it used to be" where nothing ever
changed ---- or happened.

At this tragic stage, people have forgotten about what made them
vulnerable to the storm, and what caused the storm in the first place,
and they are, in panic, concentrating on being saved by the floating
wreckage, seeking to salvage and to be salvaged. Nothing is more futile
than trying to salvage the wreckage, ---- unless it is to attempt to be
salvaged by the wreckage.

9. Frustration often expressed through outbursts of anger. Have you
ever noticed how easy it is for us to vent our frustrations over
something through angry reactions of some kind, usually directed toward
those closest to us? That always has mystified me. If I strike my thumb
with a hammer, what do I do ---- or say? Whatever it is, it is almost
always a blend of pain and anger.

The question is ---- anger over what or whom? Am I angry at the hammer
for hitting the thumb? Or am I mad at the thumb for being in the wrong
place at the wrong time? Or maybe I'm angry at the nail for not keeping
its head in the right place. Perhaps I'm angry at myself for not being a
better shot with the hammer. Could be I'm actually angry at my wife for
saying something to me at just the moment I was ready to strike the nail.
I may even be (perish the thought!) angry at God ---- for imposing His
sovereignty on my poor thumb!

Frustration motivates us to do and say strange things. When that
frustration exudes from a terrible wound still open and now infected
because of inadequate grieving at the beginning, it can result in
believers manifesting anger ---- yes, even rage ---- in some terrible and
destructive ways ---- such as horrible decisions, internal fightings,
erroneous terminations, even church splits.

Such things, as all of these symptoms can, will clearly quench or grieve
the Holy Spirit in an instant, and He sadly walks away from our little
fellowship, leaving us not only hurting and in turmoil, but now ---- even
more alone. It is bad enough to feel lonely ---- it is a tragedy to feel
alone.

And, ---- that in itself makes us even more angry. And, someone, having
more indignant opinion that wise perception, will ultimately declare,
"God has left us and has written 'Ichabod!' over our doors!" That
someone is nearly always within the church, and one of the angriest of
the bunch.

10. Taking up offenses in behalf of others through improper forms of
sympathizing. One of the most polarizing actions to take place in a
church family is to become offended over another brother or sister having
been hurt or offended. To "take up an offense" simply means to pick up
something that was not yours to pick up ---- someone you know or love
being hurt or offended.

To do so is to enter a battle that was not yours to enter. It is to
stick your nose in a place it shouldn't be. It's a "none of your
business" situation that you decided to make your business.

Unsuccessfully fulfilled grieving always manifests itself in some form of
angry expression within the family unit ---- either turned inward or
turned outward. Apart from the intervention of a merciful God, an humble
attitude on the part of the hurting individual, and thoroughness in the
proper process of grieving, such expressed anger is inevitable ----
eventually, somewhere, sometime.

INTERLUDE:

Now, dear friend, most of us would conclude that these ten
characteristics are just normal human nature and works of the carnal
mind. Therefore, we would sluff it off by piously quipping that the
person who acts like that is carnal or "out of fellowship with the Lord".

That's what I thought ---- and I still do under many circumstances.

But, there is something deeper here that I had missed for many years, and
consequently, I missed opportunities to minister healing and restoration
to churches. Instead of ministering hope, I burdened them down with
condemnation piled onto the load of conviction they are already carrying.
Instead of issuing a prescription for healing, I stamped a death
certificate with the words, "Bad, bad, boy!"

What I failed to see was that these characteristics are often (I don't
know ---- maybe even Always) indicators that there are at least some
members of the church family, if not all, who have not had adequate
opportunity to work through the grieving process until healing,
restoration, and health have returned.

Because I didn't see it, there are probably churches still fragmented,
impotent, and preoccupied with themselves, their own hurts and
disagreements.

How I wish I had known in my earlier years of ministry what I now
understand!

There is a genuine need, place, and time for a church to corporately
grieve the loss of its pastor, the moral failure of a staff member, the
collapse of a city's economy, the tragedy of a shooting, the angry
departure of a splinter group. Tragically, that seldom happens in our
day. Instead, most of us try to hide it ---- or hide ourselves.

Most of the time it is hushed, or left to the process of lonely personal
anguish, void of family gatherings during which times we could bear one
anothers' burdens, pray for one another, forgive one another, encourage
one another, and build up one another. Instead, we grieve alone ---- and
the whole family is affected.

If the church doesn't give itself adequate time to openly grieve such
events, how will it ever return its focus on others? If it cannot heal
itself, how can it heal others? If it cannot build its own fellowship
up, how can it help build the Kingdom?

Next week I will conclude this theme by discussing . . .
1. Basic Elements of the Grieving Process, and
2. Practical Keys To Grieving A Church Back Into Unity and Health.

In the meantime, may God use my thoughts to challenge you to take a good
hard look at your own life as part of a church family, and at your church
family of which you are a part.

Affectionately in the Bond of His Grace,

Bob Tolliver ---- (Rom 1:11-12)
Copyright November, 1999. All rights reserved.

POST SCRIPTS:

#1. Last week my youngest daughter sent me information on another hoax
you should know about. Here's what she said about the "Free Car From
Honda" scam, exposing the absurdity of such claims:

"Did Jim tell you about the new e-mail hoax you can add to your list?
It's one that Honda is giving away free cars. Just the initial amount of
"credit" to the 1 million people's "accounts" would cost them 1 billion
dollars, but if those 1 million people sent enough e-mails (@ $300 a pop)
to earn the $14,000 (which would be a lot of e-mails) necessary to earn
enough for a free car; then Honda would be giving away
$14,000,000,000,000 in cars -- I don't think so! As Jim says, "DO THE
MATH, PEOPLE!"

#2. Two special prayer needs weigh heavy on my heart today, and I ask
you to lift these matters before the Father of Mercy and Grace.

1) It is our great privilege to print and mail the newsletters for
Norman and Karen Howell, missionaries with New Tribes in Papua New
Guinea, working with the Kakuna people, a very primitive and
unpredictable tribe. Challenges have been mountainous. Their most
recent communications indicate . . . .
A. Their computer is acting up, making necessary communication
difficult at best.
B. They are losing their pilot soon, so there will soon be no way
to get in and out without many days of hiking, or to receive needed
supplies.
C. Witch doctors and others opposing their work have been
threatening and intimidating villagers to stop heeding the Howell's
teachings, and are accusing them of being responsible for some recent
deaths in the village.
D. Norman's sister in the United States has become suicidal over a
marital crisis and is hospitalized for psychiatric treatment.
E. Karen's grandmother, with whom she was very close, recently
died.
F. Karen is emotionally spent and near possible collapse.
So, would you please pray for my friends? I believe their situation is
critical in many ways. However, God's power transcends all problems, and
prayer spans all distances. If you feel prompted, I'd encourage you to
drop them a note at < [email protected]>. Tell them I "sent" you.

2) Stevo Dereta is a former pastor and founder of Life Center
International, one of several major Christian ministries with which we
have worked since 1995 in Croatia and Bosnia. LCI is currently
undergoing major changes that have necessitated the renovation of the
Life Center itself, along with other facilities.

Because of this, several things have happened:
A. Nearly all Life Center staff are now unemployed and without
desperately needed family income.
B. Because the Life Center is being renovated, the LCI income that
is derived from groups using the building has also dried up, therefore
making ongoing LCI ministries seriously hampered for lack of funding.
C. Because it is impossible to set a definite date when the Life
Center will reopen, LCI cannot make sufficient solid plans for future
ministry projects and needs. This, of course, further complicates both
ministry effectiveness, long range planning, and immediate financial
income as well.

So ---- I ask you to pray for this ministry which is so vital to the
future healing, restoration, and evangelization of many of the Balkan
countries. Space will not allow description of this extraordinary
ministry that has such enormous influence in Croatia, Bosnia, Serbia, and
Kosovo. If you have access to the internet, please check their website
at <www.welovegod.org/outreach/life_center>. Should you want to
write encouragement to Stevo, you can reach him at
<[email protected]>. I know he will appreciate your note.

I have vowed to never allow "Shoulder To Shoulder" to become a
solicitation medium. However, I do want to tell you that our ministry is
working hard at raising funding for LCI, and there are a couple of ways
you could help, if you felt so led. If you want to know how, just drop
me a note. It is an urgent need.

#3. Jo Ann and I will be returning to Croatia twice in the next seven
months. The second such trip, scheduled for May around May 25 to June
15, we are taking a team of university students and also a number of
adults to make up a "work and minister" crew consisting of preachers and
lay people experienced in various building skills.

If you would be interested, or know of someone else who might be, please
contact me right away. Much planning goes into these trips, and it would
be necessary to have the team confirmed by February. We need at least
eight others to go in addition to the 23 students already committed to
the trip.

Thanks for letting me share these three Post Scripts with you. Have a
wonderful week!

Bob

+++++++++++++++

If this letter has blessed you and you know of someone else who needs to
be encouraged, feel free to forward it in its entirety to all such people
you know.

If you would like a list of past issues which you could receive upon
request, just let us know.

__
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/ ^ ^
{ (O) (O) }
------oOOO---------U--------OOOo------

Hang in there! I'm with you!

-------.ooooO--------------- Ooooo--------
( ) /
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(_) (_)

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