Special Mothers Day Edition
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
ALIEN:
What Mom would suspect had invaded
her house if she spotted
a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
BABY:
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM:
A room used by the entire family,
believed by all (except Mom)
to be self-cleaning.
"BECAUSE":
Mom's reason for having kids do things
which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST:
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CAR POOL:
Complicated system of transportation
where Mom always winds
up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids,
who have had the most sugar.
COOK:
1) Act of preparing food for consumption.
2) Mom's other name.
DUST:
Insidious interloping particles of evil
that turn a home into a battle zone.
ENERGY:
Element of vitality kids always have an
oversupply of until
asked to do something.
"EXCUSE ME":
One of Mom's favorite phrases,
reportedly used in past times
by children.
FABLE:
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD:
The response Mom usually gives
in answer to the question,
"What's for dinner tonight?"
GARBAGE:
A collection of refuse items,
the taking out of which Mom assigns
to a different family member each week,
then winds up doing herself.
HANDI-WIPES:
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS:
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw
with volcanic soap and sterilized
in boiling water immediately prior to
consumption of the evening meal.
ICE:
Cubes of frozen water which would be found
in small plastic
tray if kids or husbands ever filled the damn things
instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
"I SAID SO":
Reason enough, according to Mom.
JUNK:
Dad's stuff.
KETCHUP:
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to
drown the dish that
Mom spent hours cooking and years
perfecting to get the
seasoning just right.
MAKEUP:
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc.,
which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "cheap."
MAYBE:
No.
MILK:
A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOOOOOOMM!":
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
PANIC:
What a mother goes through when the
darn wind-up swing stops.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER:
Mom's nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY:
Where children who don't eat their vegetables
or clean their rooms eventually end up,
according to Mom.
PIANO:
A large, expensive musical instrument which,
after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and
constant harping by Mom,
kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE:
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she
can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum
wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a
fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper
samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
REFRIGERATOR:
Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
SCHOOL PLAY:
Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous
historic events.
SNOWSUITS:
Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely
zipped and snapped performs two important functions:
1) Protecting children from the cold and
2) reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP:
A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one
of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT:
All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
SUNDAY BEST:
Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TERRIBLE TWO'S:
Having both kids at home all summer.
TROUBLE:
Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH:
Highly conservative estimate of the number of times
Mom must
instruct her offspring to do something
before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR:
An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which
ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
VITAMINS:
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
swallow each morning as part of her
sinister plot to have you grow up to be
"Just like Daddy."
WALLS:
Complete set of drawing paper for kids
that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE:
Household appliance used to clean blue jeans,
permanent ink markers, loose change, homework,
tissues and wads of gum.
XOXOXOXO:
Mom salutation guaranteed to make
the already embarrassing
note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
YARD SALE:
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell
kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last
minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
"YIPPEE!":
What Mom would jump up and shout
if the school year was
changed to 12 months.
ZUCCHINI:
Vegetable which can be baked,
boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught! me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?"
don't forget the lights too....
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite:
my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE JOYS OF BEING A PARENT
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next sixteen
telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for
not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some
animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is
to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
*********************************************
Images Of Mom
4 YEARS OF AGE
My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE
My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE
My mom doesn't understand me.
15 YEARS OF AGE
My mom doesn't let me do anything.
18 YEARS OF AGE
I'm an adult. My mom can't control me anymore.
25 YEARS OF AGE
I should have listened to mom.
35 YEARS OF AGE
Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
50 YEARS OF AGE
I Wonder what Mom would have thought about it.
65 YEARS OF AGE
I Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
Appreciate your mom before it is too late!
Happy Mother's Day
Dave and Barbara