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Thanksgiving Special Edition Wednesday
#1 · November 23, 2004, 4:24 pm
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
We want to wish everyone in the USA a Happy Thanksgiving and safety for those traveling to see family and friends. This will be a special paper for Thanksgiving and there will be no paper on Thursday.
Dave and Barbara
"Dear Mom"
I hope you and dad are having a Happy Thanksgiving. This
year we decided to do something a bit different and fry our
turkey whole. I am in a newsgroup on the Internet that just
could not say enough about how great they taste fried.
I even got a recipe from one of the members. It went something
like this:
year we decided to do something a bit different and fry our
turkey whole. I am in a newsgroup on the Internet that just
could not say enough about how great they taste fried.
I even got a recipe from one of the members. It went something
like this:
1 turkey plucked and gutted - leave feet for holding turkey
5 gal bucket peanut oil
1 extra large deep fryer heated to 500 degrees
5 gal bucket peanut oil
1 extra large deep fryer heated to 500 degrees
That didn't sound too complicated, and even though I've had
several kitchen disasters in the past, I thought this would be
a festive way to celebrate Thanksgiving. Besides, we could
do the deed outside on our wooden deck to avoid making a
big mess in the kitchen. What could go wrong?
several kitchen disasters in the past, I thought this would be
a festive way to celebrate Thanksgiving. Besides, we could
do the deed outside on our wooden deck to avoid making a
big mess in the kitchen. What could go wrong?
I couldn't find a turkey with feet at the grocery store. The
butcher thought I was crazy and suggested I try one of the
nice frozen one that was on sale. I figured a meat man should
know, so I got one. Have you ever tried to thaw out a frozen
turkey? It's a weeklong job. I figured the hot grease would
do the trick anyhow, so why worry.
butcher thought I was crazy and suggested I try one of the
nice frozen one that was on sale. I figured a meat man should
know, so I got one. Have you ever tried to thaw out a frozen
turkey? It's a weeklong job. I figured the hot grease would
do the trick anyhow, so why worry.
Have you priced peanut oil lately? I decided some of the
other stuff would work just as good. After all, cooking
oil is cooking oil. I managed to get the oil in the pot just
fine. Heating it was a bit tricky as it kept smoking and
bubbling. But since we were outside, I thought the smoke
wouldn't hurt anything.
other stuff would work just as good. After all, cooking
oil is cooking oil. I managed to get the oil in the pot just
fine. Heating it was a bit tricky as it kept smoking and
bubbling. But since we were outside, I thought the smoke
wouldn't hurt anything.
Now this is the part you won't believe! I threw that sucker
in the pot and when the thing thawed out the oil boiled over
on the wooden deck and caught the deck on fire! We got the
garden hose to put it out. Who would know not to put water
on a grease fire?
in the pot and when the thing thawed out the oil boiled over
on the wooden deck and caught the deck on fire! We got the
garden hose to put it out. Who would know not to put water
on a grease fire?
It didn't really matter anyhow. In all the excitement I forgot
to watch the cooking thermometer and the grease must have
become too hot. I was inside the house looking for the fire
extinguisher when I heard the explosion. Have you ever seen
a mushroom cloud? It was incredible!
to watch the cooking thermometer and the grease must have
become too hot. I was inside the house looking for the fire
extinguisher when I heard the explosion. Have you ever seen
a mushroom cloud? It was incredible!
After the fire department left, we decided to eat dinner out
next year. Not only was our Thanksgiving dinner ruined,
but the deck burned down and took half the garage with it.
The dog will be just fine when his fur grows back. We've always
wanted a Mexican Hairless dog anyhow.
next year. Not only was our Thanksgiving dinner ruined,
but the deck burned down and took half the garage with it.
The dog will be just fine when his fur grows back. We've always
wanted a Mexican Hairless dog anyhow.
The fire department told us they make a lot of house calls about
this time of the year from people frying turkeys who don't
know what they are doing. Like, is it my fault that the grease
was cheap and the stupid turkey wouldn't thaw out? They
need to put consumer-warning labels on turkeys!
this time of the year from people frying turkeys who don't
know what they are doing. Like, is it my fault that the grease
was cheap and the stupid turkey wouldn't thaw out? They
need to put consumer-warning labels on turkeys!
Speaking of the turkey, we are still looking for it. I think it
may have blown to bits as we've looked all over the neighborhood.
If you see a turkey shaped cloud of ash circling the earth,
that's probably it.
may have blown to bits as we've looked all over the neighborhood.
If you see a turkey shaped cloud of ash circling the earth,
that's probably it.
By the way, you may see us on the evening news on TV. A lot
of people thought it was a terrorist attack. I only hope we
have not been reported to the FBI.
of people thought it was a terrorist attack. I only hope we
have not been reported to the FBI.
Anyhow, I just want to let you know that we are all fine.
I don't think the house will be fixed for a while since there
is a lot of smoke damage. We are moving to a motel. Do you
think we could come to your house for Christmas this year?
I don't think the house will be fixed for a while since there
is a lot of smoke damage. We are moving to a motel. Do you
think we could come to your house for Christmas this year?
You were not planning on frying a turkey, were you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE. BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING IN ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGH OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR. AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TILL ALL OF A SUDDEN I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING FLOATING INTO THE SKY WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP MAY YOUR POTATOES AND GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE. BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING IN ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGH OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR. AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TILL ALL OF A SUDDEN I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING FLOATING INTO THE SKY WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP MAY YOUR POTATOES AND GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Turkey Warning"
Tell me, Mr. Turkey,
Don't you feel afraid...
When you hear us talking
'Bout the plans we've made?
Can't you hear us telling
How we're going to eat...
Cranberries and stuffing
With our turkey meat?
How we're going to eat...
Cranberries and stuffing
With our turkey meat?
Turkey, heed my warning:
Better fly away;
Or you will be sorry
On Thanksgiving day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop;
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
Better fly away;
Or you will be sorry
On Thanksgiving day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop;
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of ... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three."
When he told me of the horrors of ... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three."
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head."
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head."
"Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing!"
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,
She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing!"
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat;
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat;
I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing exercise tapes.
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing exercise tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound!
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap,
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound!
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap,
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said
"Christmas is coming ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Cutting The Ham"
And smiled at me and said
"Christmas is coming ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Cutting The Ham"
A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared to bake
a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut
off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked
her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know--it's what
my mother always did. But I can ask her."
a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut
off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked
her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know--it's what
my mother always did. But I can ask her."
She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do
it, so I did the same."
it, so I did the same."
They decided to check further, so the young bride then called
Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to
fit into my pan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"COOKING THE TURKEY"
Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to
fit into my pan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"COOKING THE TURKEY"
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor;
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.
it totally coated the floor;
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The turkey is cooking; we've all been to church,
Our grandparents soon will arrive,
The table is set; the best linen is used,
What a grand day to be alive!
Our grandparents soon will arrive,
The table is set; the best linen is used,
What a grand day to be alive!
There's a nip in the air; we're planning on snow,
We kids have new scarves and new muffs,
The cat, a new bell - the dog, a new bow,
And the phone is ringing for us.
We kids have new scarves and new muffs,
The cat, a new bell - the dog, a new bow,
And the phone is ringing for us.
"Hurry up, kids! Talk to great Uncle Joe,"
Who lives a long way away,
Then we'll call Auntie Rose and dear Auntie Flo,
And wish them joy today."
Who lives a long way away,
Then we'll call Auntie Rose and dear Auntie Flo,
And wish them joy today."
Oh, something special there is in the air,
And not just good smells from the oven,
The holiday feeling is felt everywhere,
"Come on, darlin,' give Mama some huggin,'"
And not just good smells from the oven,
The holiday feeling is felt everywhere,
"Come on, darlin,' give Mama some huggin,'"
The kitchen door opens; the food is brought in,
We kids all race to the table,
Napkins are snugly tucked 'neath our chins,
We are hungry, willing and able,
We kids all race to the table,
Napkins are snugly tucked 'neath our chins,
We are hungry, willing and able,
Dad starts to carve, right after grace,
Then my brother shouts, "Dibs on a leg!"
Mom has a special smile on her face,
Our dog sits at Dad's knee and begs.
Then my brother shouts, "Dibs on a leg!"
Mom has a special smile on her face,
Our dog sits at Dad's knee and begs.
"Please pass the beans." "Where are the yams?"
"Does anyone want a roll?"
"That turkey is almost as big as I am."
"Who emptied the gravy bowl?"
"Does anyone want a roll?"
"That turkey is almost as big as I am."
"Who emptied the gravy bowl?"
So the feast moves on straight to the pie,
I rub my tummy; it's so full,
But I'm no piker - oh no - not I,
"Whipped cream, if you please, a big spoonful."
I rub my tummy; it's so full,
But I'm no piker - oh no - not I,
"Whipped cream, if you please, a big spoonful."
So, with warmth and laughter and much good cheer,
For this day, we send thanks above,
We're grateful we've all been together this year,
For this day, we send thanks above,
We're grateful we've all been together this year,
"Thank You, Dear Lord for such love."
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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