VICTORIOUS HEART UPDATE

#1 · February 16, 2005, 4:56 am

Quote from Forum Archives on February 16, 2005, 4:56 am
Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>
Dear Friends:

It has been a very long time since we've sent out an update on our family's welfare since the death of Nicole Grace, our "Victorious Heart". So, here are some remarks to that effect.

+ We cannot thank you enough for your prayers during that time in our lives, and also for the continued prayers that many of you have lifted to the Father in our behalf. We especially thank you for continuing to pray for Jim, Deanna, Michael, and JoyLinn. Their journey is by far the most difficult, as you will see from their letter below.

+ As would be expected, God has used this phase of the pilgrimage to draw our family closer together, cause us to miss each other all the more, and remind us of the priorities God has instilled in the human spirit ---- personal intimate walk with Him, commitment to family, needs of the hurting, etc.

+ Bob has subsequently done a complete revamp of the photo albums on our webshots.com site. The one on Nicole is almost all brand new, and we think you will be blessed by it. Take a look at http://community.webshots.com/user/01lum. Click on "Victorious Heart" album.

+ Jim and Deanna recently sent out an update on their personal journey since Nicole's death. It will bless and encourage you as you read it . . . and will hopefully remind you to drop them a note at prov2525@socket.net from time to time to let them know you still remember, and you still pray.

Here's their note:

------------------------

Hello Again. Sorry it's been such a long time since we've written. I'll try to explain as we go along. "Nicole's Grace" (that's you. this distribution list) has been in a strange place in the process of grief. From the, quite literally, hundreds of replies over the past few months, God has obviously used our situation to challenge, mature, strengthen, and refresh many of you. Quite amazing and humbling, actually; it all started as a simple cry for help and developed into something God used
in profound ways all over the world. And, even though Nicole is gone now, I don't suppose that usefulness needs to end.

Perhaps God still wants to use our story. Perhaps we need to continue writing - certainly not as often. Perhaps you all can benefit, in some God-inspired way, from the way we go through our grief. I don't know. I'm simply doing what I've always done - writing as circumstances and the Spirit moved.  We know firsthand that we continue to benefit by your encouragement and prayers - and that we continue to need both. There has been a strong "case" for writing before now. All of that plus the hundreds that have simply wanted to know "how we are," "how the holidays went," etc.

At the same time, for me anyway, there has been a certain level of "denial" in not writing for the past several months. If I write it, I have to remember it, to face it - and I don't want to. didn't want to.

And there is also the growing certainty that this letter will end. The finality of that makes me more than a little uncomfortable. This was a lifeline. People continue to write and talk about how much we blessed them. But we blessed you only because you blessed us. your prayers, His strength. those are things that held us together in order to be a "blessing."

As to "how we are." we're fine - and getting better. Oh, we're quite normal. There have been many tears and many melancholy moments. Many questions. Much emptiness and longing. (For awhile, I even missed the incessant beeping of Nicole's heart monitor!) For awhile, sleep was difficult. We dreamed of Nicole constantly - caring for her, those final few moments in her room, sometimes just emotions. even the dreams I had where we were all older and things were "normal" left me empty when I woke. I was completely frustrated.

I remember trying to cling to Nicole's memory and yet not finding much there. I didn't want to forget - but found I couldn't remember either. I cursed myself for not having more. It seemed overly cruel to have her life reduced to thousands of e-mails, a few dozen pictures, some toys she never played with, and a few minutes of video. We sometimes held onto her things just to try to feel close. We slept with one of her stuffed animals for weeks. We've rearranged the living room - both for the change (a common response to grief) and to make room for a table that now displays many of her things along with a photo album and such.

The kids are fine too. JoyLinn seems more effected than Michael. She speaks of Nicole often and wonders aloud why she had to die. Most often, just as quickly, she also happily reminds herself that "she doesn't have a hole in her heart now," "She can walk now!" and "She can sneeze now!" (The last one is really quite funny as Nicole really did have issues because she couldn't sneeze and burp and such. How JoyLinn instinctively knew this, I'll never know.)

Michael is another story altogether. He tells us he's "glad" she died because he was "bored" with her anyway. I'm hoping that this is simply his 7-year-old "guy" way of expressing the "relief" we all, naturally, felt - Deanna and I in more of a care-giver sense, Michael because his life would return to "normal." And, in reality, he didn't really see her much or spend much time with her since he was at school all day and then doing homework and playing for a couple hours before bed-time. He, like us, didn't have a reciprocal relationship with her. She couldn't "do" anything with him, hence his reason for being "bored" with her. JoyLinn, on the other hand, was around her most of the day, and bonded with her in her own way - things that Michael never did. She is going through the "it's not fair" stage, Michael, perhaps, feels a little guilty that he isn't sad about it.

We understand that emotion, as well. We knew that if and when she died that there would be an element of relief and freedom, and thus a pull towards guilt for feeling those things. We have handled that pretty well. However, there are times of feeling guilty for not being as emotional or for feeling nothing at all at times.

The holidays were, as you might imagine, bittersweet. We got to see all of the family. We got to travel. And yet the reason for that freedom was all too clear. At the same time, we had a very good time. After the holidays were over was actually harder than going through the holidays themselves. And it still seems, sometimes, that it's getting harder rather than easier.

All in all, we're healing. And all in all, we're grateful for the experience. I was praying with the Christian Church pastor in our city recently. He was praying aloud while I prayed silently. Our church is about to go through Rick Warren's "40 Days of Purpose," the Worship Service is being revamped, new ministries have started, the Walk With Jesus devotional letter that I send out has almost doubled its subscriptions in its 2 ½ months. (I'll provide the link at the end of this letter.) There's all these exciting things going on.

But while we were praying for them, it hit. I was crushed by this sudden weight - the fact that none of it would be possible if Nicole hadn't died. I was angry and hurt and even questioned myself as to whether or not I had used her as a legitimate excuse to neglect some of these things before. Or the opposite - was I actually using her situation to further some selfish agenda?! This flood of emotion and thought was quite complete and it dug under my skin - a thousand words and images and feelings in the time it would take you to swallow. All of these things I was enjoying now - even the confidence to write, the courage to lead, the change in me, etc. etc. none of it would be possible if Nicole hadn't died!

It wasn't a few seconds later when I sensed Holy Spirit simply reply, "None of this would have been possible without Nicole's life." From that day till now, I have been much more at peace with everything. It still hurts. I still miss her. I still pick up her things and look at her few pictures to try to regain the memory. I still think through those final moments of her life and wish with everything in me I had held her more - even after she was gone and we could finally see her without all the medical equipment taped to her face.

I've decided grief, especially for a child (probably spouses also), is like the wind on a gusty day. a nearly constant tug whose intensity you can never predict. Some days it's a gentle breeze. (and almost comforting in some way) others it feels like a gale. Point is, I don't ever expect it to be completely still. Though, in fulfillment of God's word to me, she "completed" my family, her absence leaves a hole. But it's a hole that God is still using in amazing ways. It's a hole that somehow makes me even more complete than before. Guess that's the way God works.

Seems like there was more to write. Although, this is quite long already! And maybe I'll think of it later. And maybe, when I let Deanna read this later, she will add more below my signature (or edit what I've already written.) Know that we think of you often and appreciate you more than could ever be put into words the ministry you have been to our lives. Know that we still need your prayers and still pray for you. Know that though Nicole is "with her other Daddy," we still have a Victorious Heart.

Oh, I remember one other thing. I have tons of music on my computer and love to simply cue my player to play something at random. Sometimes, I'm convinced that God reaches down through all the circuits and picks a song just for me. This morning was one such time. Thinking about writing you. Thinking about facing this. Thinking about remembering. And chosen by the player? "What Would I have Done?" by Delirou5? (You Baptist types should just ignore the first 2 lines!)

          What can you do with a heavy soul
          When you can dance, but there's no rock n roll?
          Where can you go, if the sun doesn't shine?
          You sing the words, but none of them rhyme.
          What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
          Where do you go when you've lost the keys?
          When all is dark and you're on your knees?
          .
          What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
          What would I have become if it wasn't for Jesus?

WWJ,

Jim

(From Deanna)   I did edit and add some things above, but thought I should add some here below that you would know was from me. To be honest, a lot of times, I couldn't tell you "how I'm doing". I simply don't know sometimes. Sometimes, I'm not sure what I should feel or what I should do. Should I continue with the busy routine of life so that I can "get back to normal" or should I stop and get away alone for a while so that the busy routine doesn't distract from a healthy grieving process?

I still wake up very tired every morning with a tinge of sadness. Once I get up and start getting Michael's breakfast ready, I feel "normal" again - the sadness isn't oppressive nor does it linger - like Jim said, it's just a constant "knowing" that often is in the back of your mind and then suddenly, without warning will leap to the forefront. The hardest days have been those when I see someone whom I haven't seen since she died, i.e. doctor's, dentists, school workers.

I miss my Mom.

The great news is that all of God's promises are true. His promise to never leave us is absolutely true. His promise to be the God of all comforts is absolutely true. His promise to strengthen and supply every need is absolutely true. I believed it when it was all head knowledge and ideology; now, to some extent, I have experienced it.

The reason people who trust in the Lord can walk through horrendous hardship, far beyond anything we've experienced, is not because of their faith; it's because of the One in whom their faith lies. Our resting and trusting in the Lord through all of this is not the reason we've made it through - it's not about us. The reason we've made it through is because the one we trusted in is the Great I Am, the Faithful God, the Loving Father, a "Present Help in Time of Trouble"..It's about Him. He is the reason. Why He chose to use us is beyond me.

I'm done now. It's the kids' bedtime and I have hugs waiting for me.

Deanna

* To subscribe to Walk WITH Jesus, send a blank e-mail to
walkwithjesus-subscribe@welovegod.org and follow the subsequent
instructions. WWJ is an at-least-once-a-week letter that will help the
reader to work with Him and simply be with Him. It is short, practical,
and easy to understand. Hopefully, it is creative, deep, and
refreshing. It is born out of the desire to restore the "simplicity and
purity of devotion to Christ" that is too often missing these days.

------------------------

Thanks again, as Jim and Deanna have said, for your amazing prayer support. Drop us a note from time to time. And drop Jim and Deanna a note, too.

In His Bond, By His Grace, and For His Kingdom,

Bob and Jo Ann

Bob Tolliver
lifeunlimited@pobox.com
http://www.hope4kiev.org/team/members.asp?ID=10
http://community.webshots.com/user/01lum
http://www.praykiev.org
  --  To unsubscribe, send ANY message to: hope4kyiv-unsubscribe@welovegod.org  

Posted by: lifeunlimited <lifeunlimited@...>

Dear Friends:

It has been a very long time since we've sent out an update on our family's welfare since the death of Nicole Grace, our "Victorious Heart". So, here are some remarks to that effect.

+ We cannot thank you enough for your prayers during that time in our lives, and also for the continued prayers that many of you have lifted to the Father in our behalf. We especially thank you for continuing to pray for Jim, Deanna, Michael, and JoyLinn. Their journey is by far the most difficult, as you will see from their letter below.

+ As would be expected, God has used this phase of the pilgrimage to draw our family closer together, cause us to miss each other all the more, and remind us of the priorities God has instilled in the human spirit ---- personal intimate walk with Him, commitment to family, needs of the hurting, etc.

+ Bob has subsequently done a complete revamp of the photo albums on our webshots.com site. The one on Nicole is almost all brand new, and we think you will be blessed by it. Take a look at http://community.webshots.com/user/01lum. Click on "Victorious Heart" album.

+ Jim and Deanna recently sent out an update on their personal journey since Nicole's death. It will bless and encourage you as you read it . . . and will hopefully remind you to drop them a note at prov2525@socket.net from time to time to let them know you still remember, and you still pray.

Here's their note:

------------------------

Hello Again. Sorry it's been such a long time since we've written. I'll try to explain as we go along. "Nicole's Grace" (that's you. this distribution list) has been in a strange place in the process of grief. From the, quite literally, hundreds of replies over the past few months, God has obviously used our situation to challenge, mature, strengthen, and refresh many of you. Quite amazing and humbling, actually; it all started as a simple cry for help and developed into something God used
in profound ways all over the world. And, even though Nicole is gone now, I don't suppose that usefulness needs to end.

Perhaps God still wants to use our story. Perhaps we need to continue writing - certainly not as often. Perhaps you all can benefit, in some God-inspired way, from the way we go through our grief. I don't know. I'm simply doing what I've always done - writing as circumstances and the Spirit moved. We know firsthand that we continue to benefit by your encouragement and prayers - and that we continue to need both. There has been a strong "case" for writing before now. All of that plus the hundreds that have simply wanted to know "how we are," "how the holidays went," etc.

At the same time, for me anyway, there has been a certain level of "denial" in not writing for the past several months. If I write it, I have to remember it, to face it - and I don't want to. didn't want to.

And there is also the growing certainty that this letter will end. The finality of that makes me more than a little uncomfortable. This was a lifeline. People continue to write and talk about how much we blessed them. But we blessed you only because you blessed us. your prayers, His strength. those are things that held us together in order to be a "blessing."

As to "how we are." we're fine - and getting better. Oh, we're quite normal. There have been many tears and many melancholy moments. Many questions. Much emptiness and longing. (For awhile, I even missed the incessant beeping of Nicole's heart monitor!) For awhile, sleep was difficult. We dreamed of Nicole constantly - caring for her, those final few moments in her room, sometimes just emotions. even the dreams I had where we were all older and things were "normal" left me empty when I woke. I was completely frustrated.

I remember trying to cling to Nicole's memory and yet not finding much there. I didn't want to forget - but found I couldn't remember either. I cursed myself for not having more. It seemed overly cruel to have her life reduced to thousands of e-mails, a few dozen pictures, some toys she never played with, and a few minutes of video. We sometimes held onto her things just to try to feel close. We slept with one of her stuffed animals for weeks. We've rearranged the living room - both for the change (a common response to grief) and to make room for a table that now displays many of her things along with a photo album and such.

The kids are fine too. JoyLinn seems more effected than Michael. She speaks of Nicole often and wonders aloud why she had to die. Most often, just as quickly, she also happily reminds herself that "she doesn't have a hole in her heart now," "She can walk now!" and "She can sneeze now!" (The last one is really quite funny as Nicole really did have issues because she couldn't sneeze and burp and such. How JoyLinn instinctively knew this, I'll never know.)

Michael is another story altogether. He tells us he's "glad" she died because he was "bored" with her anyway. I'm hoping that this is simply his 7-year-old "guy" way of expressing the "relief" we all, naturally, felt - Deanna and I in more of a care-giver sense, Michael because his life would return to "normal." And, in reality, he didn't really see her much or spend much time with her since he was at school all day and then doing homework and playing for a couple hours before bed-time. He, like us, didn't have a reciprocal relationship with her. She couldn't "do" anything with him, hence his reason for being "bored" with her. JoyLinn, on the other hand, was around her most of the day, and bonded with her in her own way - things that Michael never did. She is going through the "it's not fair" stage, Michael, perhaps, feels a little guilty that he isn't sad about it.

We understand that emotion, as well. We knew that if and when she died that there would be an element of relief and freedom, and thus a pull towards guilt for feeling those things. We have handled that pretty well. However, there are times of feeling guilty for not being as emotional or for feeling nothing at all at times.

The holidays were, as you might imagine, bittersweet. We got to see all of the family. We got to travel. And yet the reason for that freedom was all too clear. At the same time, we had a very good time. After the holidays were over was actually harder than going through the holidays themselves. And it still seems, sometimes, that it's getting harder rather than easier.

All in all, we're healing. And all in all, we're grateful for the experience. I was praying with the Christian Church pastor in our city recently. He was praying aloud while I prayed silently. Our church is about to go through Rick Warren's "40 Days of Purpose," the Worship Service is being revamped, new ministries have started, the Walk With Jesus devotional letter that I send out has almost doubled its subscriptions in its 2 ½ months. (I'll provide the link at the end of this letter.) There's all these exciting things going on.

But while we were praying for them, it hit. I was crushed by this sudden weight - the fact that none of it would be possible if Nicole hadn't died. I was angry and hurt and even questioned myself as to whether or not I had used her as a legitimate excuse to neglect some of these things before. Or the opposite - was I actually using her situation to further some selfish agenda?! This flood of emotion and thought was quite complete and it dug under my skin - a thousand words and images and feelings in the time it would take you to swallow. All of these things I was enjoying now - even the confidence to write, the courage to lead, the change in me, etc. etc. none of it would be possible if Nicole hadn't died!

It wasn't a few seconds later when I sensed Holy Spirit simply reply, "None of this would have been possible without Nicole's life." From that day till now, I have been much more at peace with everything. It still hurts. I still miss her. I still pick up her things and look at her few pictures to try to regain the memory. I still think through those final moments of her life and wish with everything in me I had held her more - even after she was gone and we could finally see her without all the medical equipment taped to her face.

I've decided grief, especially for a child (probably spouses also), is like the wind on a gusty day. a nearly constant tug whose intensity you can never predict. Some days it's a gentle breeze. (and almost comforting in some way) others it feels like a gale. Point is, I don't ever expect it to be completely still. Though, in fulfillment of God's word to me, she "completed" my family, her absence leaves a hole. But it's a hole that God is still using in amazing ways. It's a hole that somehow makes me even more complete than before. Guess that's the way God works.

Seems like there was more to write. Although, this is quite long already! And maybe I'll think of it later. And maybe, when I let Deanna read this later, she will add more below my signature (or edit what I've already written.) Know that we think of you often and appreciate you more than could ever be put into words the ministry you have been to our lives. Know that we still need your prayers and still pray for you. Know that though Nicole is "with her other Daddy," we still have a Victorious Heart.

Oh, I remember one other thing. I have tons of music on my computer and love to simply cue my player to play something at random. Sometimes, I'm convinced that God reaches down through all the circuits and picks a song just for me. This morning was one such time. Thinking about writing you. Thinking about facing this. Thinking about remembering. And chosen by the player? "What Would I have Done?" by Delirou5? (You Baptist types should just ignore the first 2 lines!)

          What can you do with a heavy soul
          When you can dance, but there's no rock n roll?
          Where can you go, if the sun doesn't shine?
          You sing the words, but none of them rhyme.
          What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
          Where do you go when you've lost the keys?
          When all is dark and you're on your knees?
          .
          What would I have done if it wasn't for Jesus?
          What would I have become if it wasn't for Jesus?

WWJ,

Jim

(From Deanna)   I did edit and add some things above, but thought I should add some here below that you would know was from me. To be honest, a lot of times, I couldn't tell you "how I'm doing". I simply don't know sometimes. Sometimes, I'm not sure what I should feel or what I should do. Should I continue with the busy routine of life so that I can "get back to normal" or should I stop and get away alone for a while so that the busy routine doesn't distract from a healthy grieving process?

I still wake up very tired every morning with a tinge of sadness. Once I get up and start getting Michael's breakfast ready, I feel "normal" again - the sadness isn't oppressive nor does it linger - like Jim said, it's just a constant "knowing" that often is in the back of your mind and then suddenly, without warning will leap to the forefront. The hardest days have been those when I see someone whom I haven't seen since she died, i.e. doctor's, dentists, school workers.

I miss my Mom.

The great news is that all of God's promises are true. His promise to never leave us is absolutely true. His promise to be the God of all comforts is absolutely true. His promise to strengthen and supply every need is absolutely true. I believed it when it was all head knowledge and ideology; now, to some extent, I have experienced it.

The reason people who trust in the Lord can walk through horrendous hardship, far beyond anything we've experienced, is not because of their faith; it's because of the One in whom their faith lies. Our resting and trusting in the Lord through all of this is not the reason we've made it through - it's not about us. The reason we've made it through is because the one we trusted in is the Great I Am, the Faithful God, the Loving Father, a "Present Help in Time of Trouble"..It's about Him. He is the reason. Why He chose to use us is beyond me.

I'm done now. It's the kids' bedtime and I have hugs waiting for me.

Deanna

* To subscribe to Walk WITH Jesus, send a blank e-mail to
walkwithjesus-subscribe@welovegod.org and follow the subsequent
instructions. WWJ is an at-least-once-a-week letter that will help the
reader to work with Him and simply be with Him. It is short, practical,
and easy to understand. Hopefully, it is creative, deep, and
refreshing. It is born out of the desire to restore the "simplicity and
purity of devotion to Christ" that is too often missing these days.

------------------------

Thanks again, as Jim and Deanna have said, for your amazing prayer support. Drop us a note from time to time. And drop Jim and Deanna a note, too.

In His Bond, By His Grace, and For His Kingdom,

Bob and Jo Ann

Bob Tolliver
lifeunlimited@pobox.com
http://www.hope4kiev.org/team/members.asp?ID=10
http://community.webshots.com/user/01lum
http://www.praykiev.org

  --  To unsubscribe, send ANY message to: hope4kyiv-unsubscribe@welovegod.org