When Can Youth Stop Obeying Parents by Jonathan Lindvall
Posted by: amazinggraze <amazinggraze@...>
Bold Christian Living E-Mail Newsletter, Issue #101
© 2001 Jonathan Lindvall
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WHEN CAN YOUTH STOP OBEYING PARENTS? This question doesn't even arise in
most of Western society today, since the matter of children's obligation
to obey parents is increasingly denied by children's rights advocates
and the liberal media. Even many Christians succumb to the pressure to
at least accommodate the world's family views.
Does the Bible speak to these issues? In fact, God reveals His heart on
these matters both overtly and subtly (via assumptions) in His word. I
recently received the following note from a young man who was angry with
me for the way I counseled his parents. His letter, and my response, may
be helpful in stimulating thought and discussion regarding how the Bible
approaches this subject.
> Dear Jonathan Lindvall,
>
> I am the son of [parents' names] of [city], whom I
> have heard through the proverbial "grape vine," contacted you earlier
> this year. I left my family's home seeking freedom as a 20 year old
> young man in the Lord. (I am now 21.) I could no longer live in a
> family of Lindvallians. I wanted to be a living, breathing, active,
> FREE CHRISTIAN. (Unfortunately for me, they were not very good
> followers of the Lindvallian way.)
>
> Maybe in another letter I will discuss what I disagree and agree
> with you about, but I am writing this letter to you to tell you that no
> matter what we may disagree about, I am disappointed with you. When
> (and if) you recommended that my parents shun me (supposedly according
> to the scriptures) you did NOT contact me to get my side of the "story."
>
> My parents do not thoroughly understand me or why I left. Therefore,
> you also do not know my thoughts, feelings, intentions, and REGRETS.
> You don't know me or my parents yet you listened to them, and heard
> their opinions and formed an opinion of your own without hearing my
> thoughts and opinions on the current issues. I am not a toddler whose
> opinions mean little or nothing to adults when real life is at issue. I
> am a grown and responsible adult. As a Christian leader it was very low
> of you to recommend some parents to shun their adult son WITHOUT hearing
> both sides.
>
> Since I moved out Dec 29th of last year I have not been allowed to
> see or communicate with my 19-year-old brother. Neither have I
> been welcome at my parents' house. (I would like to add that my parents
> have not attended ANY family events or reunions since I moved out). We
> shared my bedroom during the last year that I was at home. We were
> getting closer emotionally as adult brothers. We were becoming
> friends! We were looking forward to going on camping and hiking and
> canoeing trips and other things that we never did as a family. We were
> the best of friends. There were no others.
>
> I have not seen my mother or brother for 6 months, 28 days, 6 hours,
> and 45 minutes.
>
> It is not normal for parents to separate the siblings after the
> elder sibling moves out.
>
> I place the blame squarely at the feet of Jonathan Lindvall for
> dividing a Christian family.
>
> I do NOT hold this against you, BECAUSE my parents made the final
> decision.
>
> But I would like to hold you accountable to something you said,
> whatever it was.
>
> I have forgiven my parents, otherwise God would not have taken me
> from where I was 4 months ago to where I am today. (God doesn't use
> bitter vessels like He has used me.)
> Praise God!
>
> Please prayerfully consider what I have told you. I would welcome a
> reply.
>From your note, it is apparent that you desire to identify with Jesus as
your Lord and Savior. I sure honor that, and your pursuit of Christian
freedom. Paul said (Gal. 5:1), "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by
which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke
of bondage." We are not to allow anything to rob us of our liberty in
Christ.
However, Paul balanced his admonition a few verses later (verse 13),
saying, "For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use
liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one
another." It is possible to misuse liberty. There is a correct use of
liberty, and that is serving the Lord and one another.
I don't mean to increase any hostility you have toward me (I'll even
forgive the intentional offenses--"Lindvallian"), but I can only exhort
you as lovingly as I know how that I believe you have fallen into the
trap of confusing true Christian liberty with rebellion. I certainly
could be the one who is wrong, but I ask you to show me from scripture
where I might err.
I pray that you are open enough to carefully weigh what I'm going to
say. Obviously, don't take my word for anything. I simply appeal to you
to take my words before the Lord, and to be "noble" like the Bereans
who, after hearing Paul's teaching (Acts 17:11) "searched the Scriptures
daily to find out whether these things were so."
Before you read any more, let me appeal to you to ask yourself if you
are willing to repent if I can show you from scripture that you have
sinned against God and your parents. Would you be willing to humble
yourself if you are shown to be wrong? Or are you unwilling to be shown
a possible sin that you didn't realize previously?
Your primary challenge to me is that I "did NOT contact [you] to get
[your] side of the story" before advising your parents. I'm guessing you
have in mind passages like Proverbs 18:17, which says, "The first one to
plead his cause seems right, Until his neighbor comes and examines him."
It is certainly foolhardy to take sides in a conflict before hearing
both sides. (By the way, I did not "formed an opinion of [my] own" about
this matter based on their opinions. I have sought to have God's word
shape my thinking here.)
You assume that it is a scriptural requirement of a Biblical counselor
before advising parents how to relate to their children, that they hear
the details of an conflict from both sides. Is this really what the
Bible teaches? If you were advising parents about handling their
disobedient children, do you believe you would be obligated to ask for
the child's "story" before advising his parents to discipline him?
Of course, there is a deeper and more significant assumption you hold,
that is the basis of all this. You conclude that because of your age you
are no longer to be treated as a child. From your own words it is clear
this is really the whole basis of your conflict with your parents, and
needs to be explored in light of scripture.
Let's start with basics. Scripture is unequivocal about God's will for
children to obey their parents. In the ten commandments God said (Ex.
20:12; Deut. 5:16), "Honor your father and your mother." Interestingly,
God was not speaking exclusively to little children here. Jesus rebuked
ADULT Pharisees (Matt. 15:3-6; Mark 7:6-13) for excusing and
rationalizing dishonor of parents by ADULTS.
Another time Jesus was approached by someone who asked him what he
needed to do to obtain eternal life (Matt. 19:16-22; Mark 10:17-22; Luke
18:18-23). In his initial response regarding obeying the commandments,
Jesus specifically quoted this one, "Honor your father and mother." How
old do you suppose this fellow was? Luke refers to him as a "ruler" and
each account tells us he was "very rich."
He was clearly an adult. I suspect he was at least as old as you are,
yet Jesus expected him to honor his parents.
Interestingly, Paul interpreted the fifth commandment as a mandate to
obey. He wrote (Eph 6:1-3), "Children, obey your parents in the Lord,
for this is right." How did he know this obedience to parents is right?
What evidence does he provide? He immediately quotes the command,
"'Honor your father and mother,' which is the first commandment with
promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the
earth."
Paul linked the command to honor with a command to obey. The question is
when does a child no longer have to obey his parents? You have
determined that you have reached that point. On what basis do you
conclude that? What scripture can you point to?
Certainly our society would agree with you. Well before the legal age of
18 years most worldly counselors would say a young person is old enough
to make his own decisions and a parent is out of order in commanding
obedience. Is this God's view?
The only possible evidence I can find for your point of view is that a
man was included in the census beginning at the age of 20 years (Num.
1:1-3). But does this mean he was no longer required to obey his father?
Let's consider some of the abundant evidence for the opposite
understanding revealed throughout scripture.
At the very least, when is a man authorized to leave his father and
mother? Jesus (Matt. 19:5; Mark 10:7) and Paul (Eph. 5:31) quoted
Genesis 2:24 regarding marriage, saying, "For this cause shall a man
leave his father and mother." You may disagree with me, but I believe we
should take this literally, and that young people are not to leave their
parents until marriage.
But let me take the matter further. I'm thankful that, based on the
above scriptures, I committed to obeying my parents until I married. But
I could hardly wait to marry and get out from under their authority. I
now recognize that while I obeyed them outwardly, my anticipation of
freedom from them revealed a rebellious heart. I failed to give them my
heart as I should have.
In the Bible, even married men (as opposed to women) were expected to
obey their parents (and/or parents-in-law) as long as they lived. There
was no age level at which this mandate changed. Let's consider some
interesting examples.
Genesis 6-9 tells of Noah and his three sons. The sons were all over one
hundred years old and married when God sent the flood to destroy the
earth. They apparently bore the scorn of the rest of society (but the
blessing of God) in FOLLOWING THEIR FATHER'S DIRECTIONS in building,
loading, and entering the ark.
After they got off the ark Noah displayed what we would understand to be
sinful imperfection--he got drunk. One of his sons (Ham) dishonored his
father by verbally exposing his shame, while the other two (Shem and
Japheth) overtly honored their father by covering him. Shem and Japheth
were blessed as a result of this, but Ham's descendants were cursed.
These were grown men, over 100 years old. Yet they were still expected
to honor their father.
Isaac was forty years old when his father gave a servant authority over
him. The servant was to choose a wife, and was directed (Gen. 24:6)
"Beware that you do not take my son back there." As in the case of his
earlier submission (when Abraham was going to offer him as a sacrifice,
Gen. 22:9), there is not a hint of resistance in the account. Even after
Abraham's death, Isaac continued to honor his father in unusually overt
ways (Gen. 26:18).
Jacob was 76 years old when his father sent him to get a wife
(calculated from Gen. 29:18, 27; 30:25; 31:41; 41:46, 48; 45:6; 47:9,
28). In contrast to his brother Esau, who married against his parents'
wishes (Gen. 26:34), Jacob stayed with them for many years, waiting for
their direction. Although Jacob had many character flaws, his honor for
his parents in this regard was a major vehicle of God's blessing in his
life.
Benjamin obeyed both when his father forbade him going to Egypt with his
older brothers, and when he later changed his mind and directed his
youngest son to go. How old was Benjamin at the time? He was in his
thirties, married, and already had ten sons (see Gen. 31:35; 35:18;
46:21, 27). When Jacob decided to move the clan to Egypt, all his sons
and their families obeyed him and went along.
Moses was married, eighty years old, and had sons when he asked his
father-in-law's permission (Ex. 4:18) to obey God in going back to
Egypt. We might argue that he shouldn't have done this, but there's not
even the slightest hint in scripture that this was inappropriate.
I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture. The scripture never
gives an age limit for obedience to parents. In the New Testament, Jesus
Himself reflected this assumption on several occasions as we've already
seen. But let me point to another that might strike closer to home. He
told a story of a young man who decided he was old enough to be
independent of his father (Luke 15:11-32). We don't know the young man's
age (which was apparently irrelevant to Jesus), but I can easily imagine
him being about your age.
When the young man "came to himself" (verse 17), he realized he was
wrong. What were his words? In his planned speech (verses 18 & 21) he
said, "Father, I HAVE SINNED against heaven and before you." How had he
sinned? Is it possible the sin was in leaving his father in the first
place?
Have YOU "sinned against heaven and before" your father? If so, what
should you do?
Later, the older brother who stayed is shown to have a envious heart.
But the fact that he stayed with his father was good. Jesus reveals the
normative ideal in quoting this older brother saying (verse 29), among
other things, "these many years I have been serving you." Regardless of
how old you might think the younger brother was, his brother was even
older, and yet he stayed with his father, serving him. And despite his
envy of his younger brother, his father still commended him for doing
the right thing all this time. What did the father say (verse 31)? "Son,
you are always with me, and all that I have is yours." He was ALWAYS
with his father. And the result of serving his father was an
inheritance.
By refusing to stay with your parents and serve them (under their
authority, not on your terms), are you throwing away an inheritance or
blessing from your father?
Paul seemed to think serving a father is the role of an adult son, when
he commended Timothy to the Philippian church (Phil. 2:22). He likened
his relationship with Timothy to that of the norm of father-son
relationships. He said, "as a son with his father he served with me."
Sons are supposed to stay with their fathers, serving with them.
Sons are supposed to be extensions of their fathers. At age 12, in
expressing surprise that Joseph and Mary didn't know where to find him,
Jesus said (Luke 2:49), "Did you not know that I must be about My
Father's business?" Sons are supposed to be "about [their] father's
business." Jesus assumed everyone knew that.
Do you know sons are supposed to be "about [their] father's business?"
Psalm 127 says (verse 3), "Behold, children are a heritage from the
LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." You are God's gift to your
parents. Are you stealing from them what God gave them? The next verse
(4) says, "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of
one's youth." Children are to be extensions of their parents, furthering
their reach like an arrow surpasses the warrior. Yet the arrow is under
the direction of that warrior (your father).
You wrote, "I am not a toddler whose opinions mean little or nothing to
adults when real life is at issue. I am a grown and responsible adult."
Clearly you have opinions. The fact that your opinions differ so
markedly from your parents is evidence that you have never fully given
your heart to them. Solomon appealed to his son (Prov. 23:26), "My son,
give me your heart." A son is supposed to give his father his heart.
That means he fully surrenders to his parents' desires, opinions,
tastes, aspirations, etc.
Instead, you obviously see yourself as your own man, rather than being
an extension of your parents. You see yourself as an individual, going
out to make your own mark on the world, rather than finding your
identity in your family.
Where did people in the Bible find their identity? Have you ever
wondered why the Bible so frequently interrupts the narrative with
genealogies? What was David's identity? David who? He wasn't primarily
David the warrior, David the giant-killer, or even David the Psalmist,
although he was all those things. He was "David the son of Jesse" (this
is the identity given twenty times in scripture). He was "Jesse's boy"
rather than insisting on finding his own individual identity.
If you can't learn to give your heart to your parents, and find your
identity in your relationship with them, you will always be handicapped
in your life as a man, in any future relationship with a wife, and in
your walk with the Lord. You acquire a capacity for bonding your heart
with the Lord and others by first giving your heart to your parents.
If you want your life to be blessed, you need to consider what God says
will bring that blessing. Certain people are promised "it will be well
with you." Who receives this promise? Those who "honor [their] father
and mother" (Deut. 5:16; Eph. 6:2-3).
The Biblical norm is that regardless of age, a man is to honor and obey
his father. Clearly if any authority requires us to disobey God, "We
ought to obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). But normally we
demonstrate our obedience to God by submitting to the authorities He
places over us.
But what should a father and mother do if their son refuses to obey
them? Perhaps in some cases they can leave him to the Lord, and let the
Lord deal with him. (The Lord's chastening is much more painful than
parents' discipline.) But what if they determine that their son's
rebellion is infecting others?
Eli, a high priest at a strategic point in Israel's history, was a godly
man whose adult sons committed great wickedness ("they lay with the
women who assembled at the door of the tabernacle of meeting," 2 Sam.
2:22). Eli rebuked them, saying (verses 23-24), "Why do you do such
things? For I hear of your evil dealings from all the people. No, my
sons! For it is not a good report that I hear."
In light of his rebuke, wasn't his response adequate? Didn't he fulfill
his obligation before the Lord? Apparently not. God sent a prophet to
condemn Eli for not going further. The prophetic word was (verse 29),
"Why do you... honor your sons more than Me?" But Eli had rebuked them,
and appealed to them to repent. What more could he do? They were clearly
adults!
A short time later God appeared to the boy Samuel and spoke of Eli's
sin. He said (1 Sam. 3:13), "For I have told him that I will judge his
house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made
themselves vile, and HE DID NOT RESTRAIN THEM."
Restrain them? How was Eli to restrain his adult sons. He was an old
man, and they were no doubt physically stronger than he was. What more
could Eli have done? Somehow God apparently required something more of
Eli than simply rebuking and appealing for his sons' repentance.
The scripture doesn't spell out here exactly what Eli should have done,
but we clearly see that his actions were inadequate. At the very least
he should have refrained from authorizing their sin. Instead, Eli
allowed his sons to continue functioning as priests, knowing that they
were defying God and him. He should have at least revoked this
authority.
Do you imagine that if Eli had gone to some wise counselor and asked for
advice on how to handle the situation, that the counselor would have
been obligated to listen to the "story" of Hophni and Phinehas before
recommending that Eli disown his sons until they repented? Of course,
any counselor's advice is contingent upon the accuracy of what he is
hearing. But given accurate details or not, it is still legitimate to
articulate Biblical principles.
I counseled your parents to do what I believe a prophetic advisor would
have suggested that Eli do, at the least.
But in the Old Testament, the parent of a rebellious son had a much more
dire mandate. Deuteronomy 21:18-21 directs, "If a man has a stubborn and
rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of
his mother, and who, when they have chastened him, will not heed them,
then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out
to the elders of his city, to the gate of his city."
The passage goes on to direct that after taking their son to the "elders
of his city" and stating their accusation, the elders are to do
something. Interestingly, it never says anything about them pausing and
listening to the son's side of the story. While it seems to me this
might be wise, especially for the purpose of appealing one last time for
him to repent, God's word doesn't direct so.
Instead, God commanded, "Then all the men of his city shall stone him to
death with stones; so you shall put away the evil from among you, and
all Israel shall hear and fear." Thankfully, in the New Testament we're
not under the law, and many such mandates no longer apply to us
literally. But the law is still to serve for our instruction (Rom. 2:18;
2 Tim. 3:15-16), shaping our thinking and understanding of God's heart
and what is normative for us.
Notice that the beneficial result of stoning rebels was two-fold. First,
"the evil" (rebellion) was eliminated from among the people. Rebellion
is contagious. Rebels will advise others to exert their independence.
Your parents believed they saw evidence of this influence in the life of
your younger brother. I advised them to "put away the evil from among
you."
The second result was that those who saw and heard about the rebel's
stoning "shall hear and fear." Even those who might not have been
directly influenced by the contagion of this particular rebel, would be
strengthened in their resolve against rebellion when they heard the
report of the consequences of defiance and individualism exerted against
parents. In my estimation, this is urgently needed in the modern Western
church.
Instead, as apparently in your case, other family members, friends, and
the church community often take the side of the rebel, condemning the
parents for their lack of flexibility. Paul described how when a culture
rejects truth, God turns the people over to increasing deception and
wickedness. He said these would be (among other perversions)
"disobedient to parents" (Rom. 1:30-32), and that those around them
would "not only do the same but also approve of those who practice
them."
Disobedience to parents is so typical among Christians that many
consider it normal. Paul predicted this would happen. He said (2 Tim.
3:1), "But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come:
For MEN will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud,
blasphemers, DISOBEDIENT TO PARENTS..."
What a shock! Paul foretold a day when MEN [not just children, but MEN]
would be "disobedient to parents." Up until fairly recently in Western
culture, and even still in many other parts of the world, it was assumed
that you are to obey your parents as long as they live. But in our age
of individualism we prefer independence.
Our culture glorifies rebellion, and the church is subtly and gradually
impacted by the world's thinking. Most Christian parents today assume
they are to prepare their children to be independent of them. Thus we
foster individualism to the neglect of corporate identity (finding our
identity in our family, as they did in scripture, or in our
relationships with the Lord and His church).
Although I don't believe the Lord would be pleased with your parents, or
the leaders of your community, stoning you (I hope you can imagine the
smile on my face at this ludicrous thought), I do believe there is a New
Testament application of the same principle. Thankfully, Christians are
not to kill those who disobey God's commands today, but the New
Testament DOES tell us what to do.
Repeatedly we are told to corporately or individually cut off fellowship
with those who persist in sin. In the passage I just quoted about "MEN"
being "disobedient to parents" (among other sins) Paul concludes by
saying (2 Tim. 3:5), "from such people turn away!" Your parents, I, and
other Christians are directed to "turn away" from you if you are
"disobedient to parents."
Jesus told us to treat unrepentant brothers persisting in sin "like a
heathen and a tax collector" (Matt. 18:17). Paul directed to "withdraw
from every brother who walks disorderly" (2 Thes. 3:6), and to "note
that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed" (2
Thes. 3:14-15).
The goal is reconciliation because this is a true Christian brother, but
one who needs prodding to repent. Paul continued, "Yet do not count him
as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother." You may feel your parents
are treating you as an enemy, but they are actually seeking your best
(as well as that of your younger brother whom you've had a negative
influence on). Their goal is not exclusion. That is the means. The goal
is that you would "be ashamed" of your rebellion, repent, and be
reconciled to your family under your parents' authority.
These are not isolated scriptures. The New Testament is full of similar
exhortations. Paul told Timothy (1 Tim 6:3-5) "If anyone... DOES NOT
CONSENT TO WHOLESOME WORDS... From such withdraw yourself." He told
Titus to "Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition"
(Titus 3:10). Avoiding, rejecting, or shunning brothers who refuse to
walk in God's ways is a scriptural practice.
I advised your parents, if all appeals to you failed, to apply the
principles of 1 Corinthians 5 to you, for your good, as well as that of
the rest of your family and the body of Christ. Paul told the Christians
they were wrong to put up with a brother who was overtly sinning. He
told them to "deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the
flesh, that his spirit may be saved" (verse 5) and "purge out the old
leaven" (verse 7). In regard to the brother in question, he directed
them (verse 11) "not even to eat with such a person."
All of this may seem harsh to you, and you may not have heard such a
thing taught by other church leaders. I find that distressing, but it
doesn't change God's word. Unless you can show me in scripture where
your parents and I are wrong, I must appeal to you to repent and submit
to your parents. They are not avoiding and excluding you because they
hate you. They love you and long to be reconciled with you. But such
reconciliation must be done God's way. It can't be on your terms, with
them acquiescing to your rebellion.
Since you wrote this letter I have been in contact with them. They gave
me explicit permission to counsel you. You probably noticed, and may
have been angered by the fact I am sending them a copy of this
interaction. My purpose here is to reinforce the scriptural authority of
your family, rather than circumventing it. I desire to help "turn The
hearts of the fathers to the children, And the hearts of the children to
their fathers" (Mal. 4:6).
Your parents love you and long for you to return home and come back
under their authority. But they are not, by God's grace, going to allow
you to manipulate them. Although they love you, they won't be
emotionally blackmailed into giving you your way in order to enjoy the
relationship they so long to have with you.
I don't know your parents, other than through correspondence. I'm by no
means claiming they are right on every issue. No doubt they have major
flaws like you and I do. Like Noah, when he got drunk, their flaws are
not the issue. The issue is between you and God, and whether you are
willing to honor and obey imperfect authorities HE has place over you
(are there any perfect authorities?).
I have not addressed your parents' responsibility to send you forth
"like an arrow in the hand of a warrior" (Ps. 127:4) because that is not
really your concern. But there is certainly a time for encouraging you
to flourish beyond them. However, the foundation for them sending you
forward cannot be rebellion, but rather your commitment to give them
your heart, honor them, obey them, and serve them. Then they will
increasingly trust you and bless you.
At this point I applaud your parents for standing firm, despite their
longing for fellowship with you. I pray God will be able to say of your
father, as He did regarding Abraham (Gen. 18:19), "For I know him, that
HE WILL COMMAND HIS CHILDREN AND HIS HOUSEHOLD after him, and they shall
keep the way of the LORD."
And I pray for you, that you will respond to God's call to respond to
your father's command.
========================================================================
For further exploration of the scriptural vision of family unity ADULT
obedience to parents, I recommend the following tapes:
126* Commanding Children
202* Applying Scriptural Principles of Inheritance
203* Developing a Close Family
316 The Curse of Individualism
319* Calling Children's Hearts
701 Vision for Fatherhood
For discussion regarding the topic of scriptural Romance (Betrothal), we
make the following available:
317* The Great Romance: The Ultimate Purpose
903* Youthful Romance: The Dangers of Dating
906* Scriptural Betrothal: God's Pattern for Youthful Romance
907* Shamefaced Romance
* Titles with an asterisk (*) are available in both audio and video.
Otherwise only audio tapes are available.
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God bless you.
Jonathan Lindvall Lindvall@B...
Bold Christian Living http://www.BoldChristianLiving.com
PO Box 820 Voice 559-539-0500
Springville CA 93265 Fax 559-539-0804
...He who has begun a good work in you will complete it... Phil. 1:6