"Wilderness INSIDE church" - Hollie Moody
Posted by: prophetic <prophetic@...>
Date: 22 August 2004
"Wilderness INSIDE church"
-by Hollie Moody.
Upon our arrival in Michigan, I got out the phone book and prayed
that the Lord would direct me to the church He wanted me to attend.
And He did. I've been attending this church for 20 years now.
As I walked up the steps to this church for the first time, two ushers
opened the doors for me. One usher was an older man. The other
usher was a young blond man. I barely glanced at either of them. It
was very difficult to go somewhere where I didn't know even one
person, and I was nervous.
As I briefly glanced at the young usher, though, to return his greeting,
the Lord said to me, "This man will be your future husband."
I was in absolute shock. I didn't want a boyfriend, let alone a husband.
"Well, then, Lord," I replied, "You'll have to do all the work of getting us
together."
>From that moment on, I studiously ignored this young usher. He later
told me that from the first moment he saw me, he was "smitten" with me.
It took three months, but at the end of that three months, my future
husband (Gary) and I had begun to date. We have now been married
for 18 years.
Up to this point in my sharing, I have purposely not identified the
denomination the church I attend is affiliated with. This is because
I do not identify myself with a particular denomination, church, or
group of people. This isn't the main focus of my sharing with others.
I want people to come to the Lord, not to a denomination.
Yet, some things need to be clarified about the denomination the
church I attend is affiliated with. The church I attend is non-
denominational, but is affiliated with a very fundamentalist, holiness
denomination. I would also like to reiterate here that I did not choose
where I began to attend church services. The Lord chose for me, and
I have obeyed Him by going where He has sent me.
To my knowledge, this denomination is fairly isolated from other
denominations. Television sets are one of the things discouraged
from being owned. My family has a television set for viewing videos,
but we receive no television channels. Therefore, much of what
other denominations are aware of in Christian circles is something
that I and others in the denomination I attend are not aware of.
Religious scandals, high profile television preachers, etc, that other
denominations are aware of are things that for the most part I have
had no knowledge of.
Added to this is the fact that I am severely hard-of-hearing, and have
been isolated in many ways by my hearing-loss.
(I relate this as explanation for other things I will be writing about later
on
in this article.)
For the most part, the past 20 years I have attended this particular
church have been traumatic and unpleasant for me personally. It was
at this church that I began to be aware that the way I hear from the
Lord is not only suspect, but was viewed by many in leadership
positions as something to be stamped out and suppressed.
About seven years ago, the situation at the church I attend had
become very tense for me and others at this church who were
prophetic. The details aren't really important to this narrative, so I
won't go into details. Much has been stated over the years about
spiritual abuse, and I don't feel led to add my story to the stories of
others who have endured spiritual abuse.
The pastor at that time was extremely open to the prophetic, but
most of the leadership and many in the congregation were not. When
this pastor and his wife resigned under very trying circumstances,
many in leadership took the opportunity while there was no pastor
to discredit the prophetic. I was totally shocked and unprepared for
the attacks, gossip, lies, etc, that were circulated in the congregation
about me.
One of the former pastors (there have been five pastors at this
church while I have been in attendance here) and his wife even flew
to Michigan from out of state to have a saint's meeting at this church.
I was not here for this meeting. I learned later that this former pastor
and his wife had said things about me that I had supposedly said
and done that were false. They also demanded that I be "sat down,"
and be told to be silent prophetically.
This is a very influential and powerful pastor who is known worldwide
in the denomination the church I attend is affiliated with. I realized
that there was no way most people would believe me over this pastor
and his wife. When the things this pastor and his wife had said about
me were proved to be false, and I asked this couple for an apology
and an explanation to the church since I still had to attend this
church, they never replied.
I felt the situation had become so unbearable for me at this church,
that I decided to stop going. This put considerable pressure on my
family and my marriage. The Lord sent me back to this church the
night a new pastor came. I remember walking back into this church
and feeling like I was walking into prison. Outwardly, I was calm and
composed, but inside my heart was breaking.
The Lord had already revealed to me that this new pastor would only
be at this church for four years, and that during those four years, he
would do considerable damage to the saints and to the church.
The new pastor had already heard numerous reports about me and
about the prophetic. He wanted to discuss these things others were
saying about me. When I asked to have those who were saying
these things about me present during the discussion, he refused.
After praying about it, I felt the Lord instructed me to not defend or
try to offer explanations to this new pastor. The Lord revealed to me
that this new pastor had already reached his own conclusions about
many things and people in the congregation, and for me to remain silent.
After years of having been involved along with my husband in almost
every area of ministry in this church, I watched as one by one,
everything I had been involved in doing, was given to others to do. I
had no idea what to do. I wanted to serve and to minister to others,
but was being denied to do so.
I now had many questions and doubts about how the Lord spoke to
me, and no-one to go and talk to about it. The denomination the
church I attend is affiliated with doesn't have conferences or seminars
or classes about the prophetic. In fact, until five years ago, I had
never even heard the word "prophetic." As far as I know, no one in the
denomination the church I attend is affiliated with is acknowledged
as a prophet or prophetess.
At this time, my husband bought me a home computer. This was
like a whole new world and experience for me.
Quite by accident, I stumbled one day upon an internet prophetic
school. I was intrigued and fascinated, and promptly enrolled in this
school. I was hoping and praying to find answers to my many
questions about how the Lord spoke to me.
I was put into a class in this on-line prophetic school. We were
encouraged to share with one another dreams, words, visions, etc.
I shared a vision with one of my classmates that the Lord had
shared with me. She asked if she could give it to other people to
read. I agreed.
Suddenly, hundreds of people were E-mailing me about this vision.
I had no idea who these people were. Some of them asked if they
could "post" this vision on their "prophetic website." As unbelievable
as it may sound, I didn't even know what this meant. I had no idea
what a prophetic website was.
(Please remember how I shared earlier in this article how isolated the
denomination the church I attend is affiliated with is, as well as how
isolated my hearing loss has caused me to be.)
People of prophetic websites wrote asking me to share with them in
the future whatever the Lord shared with me. I added their names to
my address book, not even knowing who these people actually were.
I was under the impression that most of these people were my
"classmates" from this on-line prophetic school.
Every door of ministry had closed to me at the church I attend, yet
suddenly doors on-line were beginning to swing wide open. To be
honest, I was absolutely terrified. I almost decided to get rid of my
computer and retreat back into isolation. This was so totally new
and foreign to me and I didn't know how to handle it.
At the church I attend, I was and am accustomed to being ignored,
or just simply overlooked. I am extremely quiet and retiring, and
never try to draw attention to myself. My husband and I have a
nickname for me. We refer to me as "the invisible woman."
Going from being an "invisible woman," to now having hundreds of
people E-mailing me, inviting me to preach for them, etc., left me
feeling very exposed and frightened. I wasn't used to any attention
except negative attention. So this degree of attention I was receiving
on line was difficult for me to handle. It is something I did not nor to
this day have I taken this attention to validate myself. I immediately
sensed the danger of potential pride developing within my heart, and
began to pray against ever accepting praise for myself. I have
endeavored to always give the glory to God for anything He reveals to me.
Meanwhile, the situation at the church I attend was steadily and
quickly deteriorating. Surprisingly, it seemed to me that most of the
leaders and members of the congregation seemed totally unaware
of the spiritual atmosphere of the church. There were many times
I got physically ill at church due to what I was feeling spiritually there.
To me and the other prophetic people at this church, there was a
terrible sensation of spiritual suffocation. We realized that the pastor
was quenching the Spirit. Yet, most of the leaders and members of
the church seemed to prefer it this way and to accept it.
The denomination the church I attend is affiliated with, in regard to
the prophetic, seems to only accept messages as coming from the
Lord when there is first given a message in tongues followed by an
interpretation in English. Dreams, visions, revelations, etc., for the
most part are unheard of or unaccepted unless shared by a pastor,
pastor's wife, or evangelist. Now, however, even these messages in
tongues and interpretation were not allowed. When such messages
began to come forth, the pastor would begin to loudly play music or
start to talk and interrupt the message so it would not go forth.
When the new pastor had been at the church I attend for three years,
the Lord instructed me to share with the pastor a message. The
message contained a warning to the pastor to allow the Spirit to
flow freely. If the pastor allowed the free flow of the Spirit once again
in the congregation, the message contained how the Lord would
bless the congregation. If the pastor continued to repress the Spirit,
the message warned that within one year, the pastor would be driven
from this church.
The Lord also revealed to me that at the end of this one year, I would
be the only prophetic person left still attending this church.
As proof that this was the word of the Lord to this pastor, and for him
to accept this message, the message contained some warnings
that would immediately begin to occur within the congregation.
The first thing to occur would be that the song leader would suddenly
lose his voice. Then, the musicians and choir members would begin
to have problems with each other and the anointing would leave the
music department. The finances of the church would begin to suffer,
and people would begin to leave the church.
I shared this message with my husband and a female friend at the
church I attend who is also prophetic, and had them pray about it
with me. When my husband felt a release from the Lord to do so,
he handed over the message to the pastor. The pastor never replied,
responded or acknowledged the message. I wasn't expecting him to
because the Lord had already revealed to me that the pastor would
ignore the message.
In the very next church service, right in the middle of a song,
suddenly the song leader's voice just left him. I had been looking
down when this occurred. I jerked my head up to stare at the song
leader. He had his hand at his throat, shaking his head, absolutely
no sound coming from his mouth. The prophetic woman I had shared
the message for the pastor with was sitting in front of me. She turned
and looked at me with eyes filled with absolute fear and terror. She
started crying and praying.
I watched as the pastor jumped to his feet. An expression of fear
crossed his face. He looked at me, and I looked at him, and I saw
defiance and anger enter into his eyes. Then he turned away from me.
The musicians and choir members began to have terrible arguments.
The pastor responded by canceling choir practices until further notice.
My husband is the treasurer of the church we attend. He doesn't
speak to me or others about the finances of the church; only the
pastor. He keeps all of this in the strictest confidence. When I asked
him during this time how the finances at the church were doing
because of the warning in the message, he replied that things weren't
well financially for the church.
I watched as the membership of the church began to dwindle from
an average of 125 people to almost half that. I watched as the pastor
frantically tried to enthuse the congregation. Nothing worked.
One week during this time, the Lord led me to go on a fast. The
Sunday afternoon after this fast, a few hours before the evening
church service, the Lord spoke to me and simply told me to know
what I believed.
A few hours later, in church, the pastor had a saint's meeting. He
spoke about how the church was dying, etc. And he revealed a new
program of lessons and Bible studies he was going to begin to teach
about the things we taught and believed.
I immediately remembered how the Lord had instructed me just a few
hours before to know what I believed.
At this point, to be honest, I had doubts and questions about many of
the doctrines, etc, that I had so simply and unquestioningly believed
before. I had been so hurt and disillusioned by pastors, pastor's wives,
leadership, etc. If they had lied about me, I now wondered if they had
also lied to me in regard to doctrines, etc.
I began to study and search the Scriptures to know what exactly I
believed. Until I came to conclusions based solely on the Word of
God, I felt I should also withdraw from sharing too much on-line with others.
As the pastor of the church I attend began to teach these new Bible
studies, it became quickly apparent that these lessons were going to
cause a great deal of disunity, confusion and anger within the congregation.
I watched and listened in silent dismay as shouting arguments began
to erupt in church between members of the congregation and the
pastor. I would quickly send my children from the church in order for
them to not be subjected to such outbursts in God's house.
People were meeting in groups, asking one another, "What do you
believe? What do you think about all of this?"
I separated and distanced myself as much as possible from most of
the controversy, while continuing to pray and study the Word of God
about what I personally believed.
There were private meetings between the pastor and members of the
church where privately he would say one thing to these people, then
say something entirely different from the pulpit. Accusations of being
a hypocrite, double-minded, wishy-washy, etc., began to be leveled
at the pastor.
No clear sound was coming forth from behind the pulpit, and the
members of the church were in complete disarray and disunity. More
and more people stopped coming.
Finally, the prophetic woman in the church I attend who I had shared
the warning message to the pastor with, stopped coming along with
her family. I realized that the end for this pastor was very near, and
I was now the only prophetic person left in the congregation.
Even though I had been so abused by so many at the church I attend,
seeing these things occurring, seeing the hurt and confusion and
anger of the people, broke my heart. I felt no pleasure and had no
secret gloating in my heart over the things that were happening to
the church. I didn't even feel anger or smug justification towards the
pastor. This whole situation was also a terrible ordeal to his wife and
three boys. I realized the high price of disobedience to God, and was
shaken by it, and continuously examined by own heart and repeatedly
repented of anything within myself that was displeasing to the Lord.
The congregation was demanding that the leaders of the church "do
something." My husband begged the pastor for clarity since so many
were so confused.
The pastor responded for the first time with a very open and direct
statement of what he did/did not believe. When he did, I knew it was
over for him at this church.
Shortly after this, the pastor resigned. The congregation had dwindled
to about 30 or 40 people. The division and disunity was still rampant.
Many people were hurt, disillusioned, etc.
And I was filled with sadness and also fear. Seeing firsthand in such
a way the high price of disobeying a word from the Lord was extremely
sobering to me. Sharing something from the Lord, for me, is never to
be taken lightly, even more so now after experiencing the power and
terror of a word from the Lord coming to pass in such a way as it did
for this pastor.
The past four years with this former pastor were as a spiritual
nightmare for me. After he and his family left, the first time I walked
back into the church, I was surprised by the difference I felt in the
spiritual atmosphere of the church. There was a release in the Spirit.
The stifling, suffocating feeling I and others had felt spiritually, had
lifted.
One thing also that I learned through all of this is that God does not
hate congregations. I have been seeing what I refer to as an "anti-
church" movement on-line, and this is very disturbing to me. Are there
things terribly wrong within most congregations and denominations?
Certainly. But as the elder said in the church I attend, "If it isn't of
God, it will come to naught, and we shouldn't take matters into our
own hands." I know this statement will generate much criticism
towards me, but I'm not trying to state this in regard to other
congregations or people. I'm sharing this as something the Lord has
taught me in regard to the church I attend.
The past almost eight years now that the Lord has led me in my own
personal wilderness wanderings has been a time of tremendous
change and learning for me spiritually. The Lord broke me repeatedly,
and put the pieces back together numerous times.
Jacob left his struggle with the angel with a permanent limp. I feel
that I also have a permanent spiritual limp as a result of things the
Lord has led me through the last eight years, but I'm still walking by
the power of the Lord.
Many changes and upheavals and spiritual storms have been predicted
and prophesied by many prophetic people. It is up to each one of us
individually, as the Lord instructed me, to "know what we believe." I
feel this is a time for many of us to carefully examine and watch the
words we speak; to guard them carefully and jealously and cautiously.
Especially words that are claimed as coming from the Lord.
The Lord has been revealing upcoming events to me that I have been
in prayer and fasting over. As I feel a release in the Spirit to do so, I
will eventually share these things once again on-line.
Until that time, I want to thank each of you who have so faithfully kept
in contact with me and have prayed for me as I have been so silent.
God bless and keep each of you!
In Him,
~ Hollie L. Moody
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