A Great Gnashing of Teeth
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgment Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.
"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"
At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted.
"But Reverend," she said, "what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"
The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured ... teeth will be provided!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ Nobody's Friend ~~~
My name is Gossip. I have no respect for justice.
I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives.
I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age.
The more I am quoted the more I am believed.
My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves
against me because I have no name or face.
To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more
elusive I become.
I am nobody's friend.
Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.
I topple governments and wreck marriages.
I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches and
indigestion.
I make innocent people cry in their pillows.
Even my name hisses. I am called Gossip. I make headlines and
headaches.
Readers, before you repeat a story, ask yourself: Is it true?
Is it harmless? Is it necessary?
If it isn't, don't repeat it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ Tips for a Happy Marriage ~~~
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, then
comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on
Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is
in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then
she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I
bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake
,"
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt
her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I
said, "Dust
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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