A Kitten's 12 Days of Christmas Mischief
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me... A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me.... On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me... 13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the kitten was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me... A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me... The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me... The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me... The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me... Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me... My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me..... The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me..... The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas Dinner.
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*** Overcharged ***
Dr. Stumpy is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog wasbrought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, hereturned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed."Thirty dollars, Ma'am," he answered."Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what'swrong with you Maine people, you're always trying toovercharge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter,when we're not being gypped here?""Raise porcupines, Ma'am
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*** Handwriting ***
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an olderfellow with a post card in his hand...The old man said, "Sir, could you address this post card for me?"The man gladly did so, agreeing also to write a short message andsign the card for the man.Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I cando for you?"The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at theend could you just put, 'PS Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.
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*** Assistant Wanted ***
Holiday Assistant - North Pole $11.01/Hr plus shift differential
Filing deadline:
12/23/2002
Notes: Select candidate must be available for
international travel, holiday and night work; be
physically able to lift heavy packages over
shoulder; and possess a sleigh to perform work
assignment.
Duties: Make list and check it twice. Identify and deliver
packages to proper recipients by way of reindeer-
powered airborne sleigh.
Supervise 100 unruly elves in the production of
requested items. Disperse and maintain holiday
spirit when faces with turbulent weather and
physical demands of riding reindeer sleigh over
10,000 miles to accommodate 4 billion people in 16
hours.
Requirements: Skill to determine who's naughty and nice,
sleeping and waking bad or good, for goodness sake;
skill to establish cooperative working
relationships with elves and gnomes; knowledge of
proper diet and training required for flying
reindeer; ability to consume approximately 1
billion cpus of lukewarm coca/milk and similar
amounts of stale, leftover cookies; skill to
decipher correspondence written in crayon; skill to
quickly maneuver down chimneys or other available
means; skill in "ho, ho, hoing" while
simultaneously shaking belly.
Desirable: Heavy, white facial growth; rosy red cheeks.
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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