Abbott & Costello in the 21st Century

#1 · October 29, 2003, 3:42 am

Quote from Forum Archives on October 29, 2003, 3:42 am
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

*** Abbott & Costello in the 21st Century ***

Do you remember these two and their famous: "Who's on First?"
Here is a modern day: "Who's at the computer?" in their style:
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No. The name is Bud.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you
got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows!
Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of
words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I
need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is
none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,
three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is
Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words
left.   It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't
even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that
again.   But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so
on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra
charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of
Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but
I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your
money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it
for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a
business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try, M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be, I.B.Y.P.   I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home
business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may
need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money
for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the
word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore
my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was
GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for
Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in .. Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on
me? Oh, well. .. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help
you?

*** What A Lady ***

What a Lady! Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the

New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,

three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting

the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you,

I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless

entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you

must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in

order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and li abilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses

required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
theysay, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:

      1.- To make an appointment to see me.
      2.- To query a missing payment.
      3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
      4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
      5.- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
            nature.
      6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
      7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
            computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later

           date to the authorized contact.
      8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
      9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
            hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
            this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
            for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous day,

Your Humble Client

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

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Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

*** Abbott & Costello in the 21st Century ***

Do you remember these two and their famous: "Who's on First?"
Here is a modern day: "Who's at the computer?" in their style:
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No. The name is Bud.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you
got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows!
Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of
words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I
need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is
none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,
three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is
Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words
left.   It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't
even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that
again.   But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so
on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra
charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of
Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but
I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your
money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it
for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a
business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try, M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be, I.B.Y.P.   I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home
business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may
need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money
for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the
word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore
my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was
GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for
Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in .. Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on
me? Oh, well. .. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help
you?

*** What A Lady ***

What a Lady! Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the

New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,

three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting

the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused
to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you,

I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless

entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you

must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in

order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and li abilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses

required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
theysay, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:

      1.- To make an appointment to see me.
      2.- To query a missing payment.
      3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
      4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
      5.- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
            nature.
      6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
      7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
            computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later

           date to the authorized contact.
      8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
      9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
            hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
            this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
            for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May
I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous day,

Your Humble Client

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

Necessary Legal Information

I do not mail clean-hewmor unsolicited. If you are receiving this newsletter from me it's because you have subscribed to this mailing list. If you receive this newsletter and are not a subscriber then someone, other than me, has forwarded it to you.

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