Aches and Pains
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
Cause I didn't feel quite right,
All those aches and pains annoyed me,
And I couldn't sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder,
But he wouldn't let it rest,
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We could do a couple tests.
To the hospital he sent me,
Though I didn't feel that bad,
He arranged for them to give me,
Every test that could be had.
I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed,
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles,
Taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over,
Probed, pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living,
They wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page,
What I have will someday kill me,
My affliction is OLD AGE!
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*** Skiing On Sunday ***
A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was
going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he told
his wife, "This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water
skiing on Sunday."
"What!" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!"
"I don't think so," he said, "it's a problem we need to address."
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the
preacher what he was going to preach about, some what warily.
As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water
skiing on Sundays."
"That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic,
and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church!
Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?"
"Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water-skiing on
Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.
The wife says, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like
that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or
something." And she stayed in the car.
As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he
got to thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and
gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the proper role of sex in
modern society.
When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the
preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not
feeling well this morning. "Your husband gave the finest sermon today
that he's ever given since coming to this parish."
"I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject,"
the wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times."
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*** Half Price ***
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle
on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated
paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat
and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife
frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the
patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed
the bone with a pair of forceps.
When he was again breathing normally, although overwhelmed with
gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, the doctor's fees
were a bit worrisome to him.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good
doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small
two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit too well,
replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone
was still stuck in your throat!"
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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