But God thrives for His glory in working through the impossible. In His love and mercy, He chose a way for people to be reconciled to Him. God would not accept people’s works as a gift to Him, but rather accomplish the works He requires of people and then then give people salvation as a gift.
Randy Smith

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"Actual Classified Newspaper Ads" Wednesday

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#1 · June 14, 2005, 10:40 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Actual Classified Newspaper Ads"
 
 
Free Yorkshire Terrier: Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
 
Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
 
Free puppies: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
 
Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be reward.
 
One-man, seven-woman hot tub - $850/offer
 
Snowblower for sale. Only used on snowy days
 
Two wire mesh butchering gloves: one five-finger, one three-finger, pair: $15
 
Tickle-me Elmo (still in box). Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition $6,800
 
Cows for sale. Never bred calves. Also one gay bull for sale.
 
Full-sized mattress. 20 yr. warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
 
Nordic track $300. Hardly used. call Chubby
 
Hummels - largest selection ever. "If it's in stock, we have it!"
 
Georgia peaches: California grown - 89 cents/lb.
 
Nice parachute: never opened - used once
 
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
 
Our sofa will seat the whole mob. 100% Italian leather.
 
Alzheimer's Center prepares for "An Affair to Remember" Open House
 
Body shapers toning salon - free coffee and donuts
 
For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. excellent condition. $1,000 negotioable. No longer needed. Recently married; wife knows everything.
 
 
"CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS"
 
 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
 
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The
sermon tonight:   "Searching for Jesus."
 
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM
in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the
King.
 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget
your husbands.
 
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
due to a conflict.
 
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
 
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
 
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
 
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
 
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What
Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
 
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -- prayer and medication to
follow.
 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.
 
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday.
 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
 
The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.
 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
 
 
"Kids Statements That Are a Little... Off Track"
 
 
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
 
* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
 
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
 
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
 
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
 
* He carrots for you.
 
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
 
* Dust Around the Throne.
 
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
 
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call himnames.
 
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
 
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
 
 
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