Quote from Forum Archives on May 9, 2005, 3:17 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs"

 

          

 

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is
not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

 

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
is nothing but sarcasm.

 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered.

 

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

 

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

 

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
'Rules' on our front door.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
Like to Complain About Our Pets"

 

 

1. They live here. You don't.

 

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

 

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

 

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy and
walks on all fours. Although they doesn't speak
clearly, they communicate extremely well,
especially cats.

 

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called (this does not apply to cats),
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having
to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and
don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they
get pregnant, you can sell the children!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"DOG OR DAWG?"

 

 

To all you dog lovers out there and those who
understand the difference between Yankees
and Southerners...

 

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

 

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

 

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

 

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The
Whiskey Dawg"

 

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

 

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

 

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg.
Good dawg to guard the still.

 

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

 

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

 

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

 

(Yankee) Malinois (Southern) Another kind of
Poh-leece Dawg

 

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

 

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

 

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

 

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

 

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

 

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

 

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

 

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

 

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

 

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone
to dog heaven.
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"The Old Poodle"

 

 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

 

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a
leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intentio n of
having lunch.

 

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that
was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a
ook of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old
poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with
the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers,
pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close
enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I
sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

Moral of this story..

 

Don't mess with old folks, age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Smarts and brilliance only come with age and experience!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile.

 

   

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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