Another Train Friday
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask
for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would
tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to
play with it too. Is that okay?"
The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I
asked one boy this question, he became very quiet.
Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what
else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly
replied, "Another train."
****************************
"Something For Mother"
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a
young lady about 20 years old walked up and sat on his
lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her,
"What do you want for Christmas?"
"Something for my mother, please," said the young
lady.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very
thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want
me to bring her?"
Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"
**************************
To Whom it May Concern:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve the southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local
209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new
and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain
that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and
a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by
Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork
rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying
coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of
loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen," when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you
also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
heard dat!"
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back off." The last I heard, it
also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
through the letters and the other is a caricature of
me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll
see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung
about me, such as "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer"
and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year, however, songs about Bubba Claus will be
played on all the AM radio stations in the South-songs
such as Mark Chestnut's: "Bubba Claus Shot the
Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Merrily Yours,
Santa Claus
Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
******************************
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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