Are You Ready To Have Kids?
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How to tell whether or not you are ready to have children:
1) The Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your
hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
2) The Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available,
you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
3) The Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best)
and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
4) The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
5) The Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contests of
the jug on the floor.
6) The Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 -
12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make
up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 A.M. Set alarm for 5:00 A.M.
Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
7) The Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to
the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
beans.
8) The Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on
the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for
the last time.
9) The Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.