Before Takeoff
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. Actually, it works just like every other seat belt
on the planet. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, or someone who is acting like a small child, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two such
persons, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken
clouds; but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money, more
than this airline."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash' and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at
this airline."
The instructor told her to jump out of the plane
and pull her rip cord, explaining that he
himself would jump out right behind her so that
they would go down together. Barbara understood
and was ready. Just before it was time for
Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor
reminded her that he would be right behind her.
She jumped, and, after being in the air for a
few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor
followed her out of the plane. He pulled his rip
cord but the parachute didn't open. As he
struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot
downward and darted past Barbara.
Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to
her own parachute, and yelled after him, "So you
wanna race, huh?!"
1.) If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light,
it is okay to proceed through the intersection,
regardless of the current color of the light.
2.) The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a
Porsche.
3.) If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you
automatically have the right of way, regardless
of the situation. This is especially, applicable
in parking lots.
4.) Get to know your horn. Use it as often as
possible.
5.) While driving on the freeway and talking on your
cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH.
This is especially effective if driving in the fast
lane.
6.) Every lane is the suicide lane.
7.) For parking purposes, all SUVs are compact cars.
Honest.
8.) If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase.
You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll
make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be
sure to throw random items out of your window. It
will give the reporters something to talk about on
the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.
9.) Never use your turn signal, unless of course you
are on the freeway with no intention of merging.
10.) Totally disregard on-coming traffic.
11.) In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can
not drive in any sort of precipitation.
12.) While driving uphill, do not down shift. While
driving downhill, ride your brakes.
13.) When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set
the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable
the alarm, and put The Club on your steering
wheel.
14.) On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the
center divider as a passing lane.
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