Chili Contest
Posted by: <@...>
who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge
at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the water wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
water during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the heck is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway with it.
Took me two waters to put the flames out. Hope that's
the worst one. These hicks are crazy!
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.
Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
water line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
and got out of my way so I could make it to the water
wagon. Folks there pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Sally, the water lady, was
standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus
my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue by pouring water directly on it from
a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should
note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.
Good! An autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach!
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough
to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the
chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable
to report! )