Quote from Forum Archives on July 5, 2006, 1:45 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Choir Positions Open"

     

       

Found in an actual church bulletin

 

Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

 

PHYSICAL QUALIFICATIONS: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

 

EXPERIENCE: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.

 

BEGINNING WAGE: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.

 

FRINGE BENEFITS: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

 

HOURS: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

 

RETIREMENT: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!

 

"Two Golfers"

 

 

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the
flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and
the second golfer does the same.

 

They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet
from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a
hole-in-one.

 

Both were playing the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, and couldn't
determine which ball was which. They decided to ask the course pro to
decide their fate.

 

After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro
asks, "Which one of you is playing the orange ball?"

 

 

"Kid's Kitchen Vocabulary Terms"

 

   

 

Appetizing: Anything advertised on TV.

 

Boil: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic 'Yuck' before a food is even tasted.

 

Casserole: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

 

Cookie (Last One): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

 

Crust: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe.

 

Desserts: The reason for eating a meal.

 

Floor: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

 

Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

 

Fried Foods: Gourmet Cooking.

 

Kitchen: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

 

Macaroni: Material for a collage.

 

Napkin: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

 

Refrigerator: A very expensive and efficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

 

Soda Pop: Shake 'N Spray.

 

Thirsty: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

 

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