Christmas Signs Thursday
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
- From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
- In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
- Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
- From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd."
- In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000.
Three for $200,000.
- A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
- In a stationery store: "For the man who has
everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are
due."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my
hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first
bite!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd Feed Him
One Sunday a farmer went to church. As it turned out,
he was the only
one present so the preacher asked him if he wanted to
hear the sermon.
The farmer said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to
feed my cattle
and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the preacher began his sermon. After two and a
half hours the
minister finally finished and came down to ask the
farmer how he had
liked the sermon. "I'm not too smart," the farmer
slowly replied,
"but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed
up, I sure
wouldn't feed him all the hay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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