Church Remodeling
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the
preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest
may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and
announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell
from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my
donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on
him again and he screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down and an even larger chunk of plaster fell, this time
hitting him on the head.
He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This
prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ Plastic Surgery ~~~
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills.
One day, she had a heart attack and was
taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on
the operating table, she had a near-death
experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this
it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40
years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in
the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek
implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast
augmentation. She even had someone dye her
hair. She figured since she had another 30
to 40 years, she might as well make the most
of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after
the last operation and was killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
arrived in front of God and said, "I thought
you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~ The Pit ~~~
A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out.
A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down
there."
An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone
would fall down there."
A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."
A mathematician calculated how he fell into the pit.
A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.
An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.
A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've
seen my pit."
A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."
A Christian Scientist observed, "The pit is just in your mind."
A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your
being in that pit."
A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get
out of that pit."
An optimist said, "Things could be worse."
A pessimist claimed, "Things will get worse."
A Good Samaritan, seeing the man, took him by the hand and
lifted him out of the pit.
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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