Quote from Forum Archives on May 26, 2004, 3:57 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

COMPUTER VIRUS TYPES

 

 

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

 

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident.

It'll be back.

 

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service

you are getting.

 

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're

paying too much for the AT&T virus.

 

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits

erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the

other side for the problem.

 

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds

of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but

all of  which claim to be the most important part of the

computer.

 

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying

its own motherboard.

 

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38

percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus

a 3.5 percent margin of error).

 

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a

lot of  people really mad just thinking about it.

 

Nike virus: Just Does It!

 

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse

around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if

by LAN, twice if by C:.

 

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

 

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but

instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

 

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever

happened.

 

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

 

 

An ID Ten T Error

 

 

Young Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called Jim, the
computer guy, over to her desk.
Jim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face.
"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it  again??"

He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error
before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
(She wrote...)    I D 1 0 T

 

 

"Excuse me, Sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." "What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses.  Remember ?" "Oh, yes; I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know, Sir. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry, Sir." "Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out." "Well, I have a question, Sir.  You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?" "You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?" "That's it.  I was wondering if they are important." "What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses?  Of course, they are important.  Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that." "What do you mean you 'lost them'?  Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No, Sir; I forgot." "You should always save, Moses." "Yes, I know. You told me that before.   I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though." "And did you hear back from any of them?" "You already know I did.   There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.'  May he change the words a little bit?" "Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?" "Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that." "I think that means 'no.'  Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses." "Oh, yes.   I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "And what did he say?" "You know what he said.  He used Your name in vain.  You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?" "They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses." "Whatever!  This computer stuff is just too much for me.  Can we go back to those stone tablets?  It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them." "We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!" "I was afraid you would say that, Sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat.  Mouse!  Mouse!  And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try calling technical support first.   After all, who knows more about this stuff than you?   And I really like your hours.  By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing.  Why did you not name them 'frog s' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I did not name them, Moses.  Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to." "Oh, that explains it.  I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse.  After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'" "Say good night, Moses." "Wait a minute, Sir.  I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working.  Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back." "Which ones are they, Moses?" "Let me see.  'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'" "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

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