Criminal Hall of Shame

#1 · November 11, 1999, 7:24 am

Quote from Forum Archives on November 11, 1999, 7:24 am
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use their
stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who
strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To
these brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest
possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

Following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead
of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut,
and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the
money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving
his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs
with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official
realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs
official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A
substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that
she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole
a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need
one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's
name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies,
etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have
her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check
--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a
robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd
forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--
are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording.
Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank,
so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then
realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could
not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was
bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from
one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck
in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too
heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK
into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they
locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to
a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash
he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom use their
stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who
strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To
these brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest
possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

Following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead
of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of
cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut,
and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the
money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving
his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs
with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official
realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs
official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A
substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that
she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole
a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need
one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's
name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies,
etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have
her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages
rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check
--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a
robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd
forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--
are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording.
Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank,
so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then
realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could
not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was
bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from
one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck
in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too
heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK
into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they
locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to
a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash
he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.