Dear Santa
Posted by: root <root@...>
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond
earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little
thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.
Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for the thousands of women across
the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to
us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned
with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates
match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
We're tired of Martha's showing us how to make centerpieces from holly hock
dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the
furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce,
spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure
out what to do with it.
Martha avoids take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat
it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out
that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."
Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets!
Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it
to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
Not just scarves, mind you, "Amazing scarves". Martha's obviously not shy
about giving herself a little pat on the back. She goes on to tell us that
..."homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends
are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a
towel." I have one piece of advice, "Martha, get new friends."
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
smack, it's Martha Stewart.
ho ho ho