Quote from Forum Archives on January 13, 2005, 12:11 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Definitions To Learn"

 

 

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically
turns red when your car approaches.

 

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

 

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough
to find his way out of the woods.

 

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch
things happen, and the majority has no idea
what's happened.

 

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water
in it.

 

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one
peanut.

 

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife
she'd look fat in mink.

 

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people
stewed.

 

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is
everything you know you are.

 

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater
that isn't a western.

 

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

 

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you
what's coming in the next issue.

 

COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are
permitted access to the telephone.

 

EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department
and places that deliver.

 

OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and
instead of bleeding he sings.

 

BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get
it yourself."

 

BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an
adult so that the adults who are out can behave
like teen-agers.

 

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

 

"The Modern Toolbox"

 

 

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict
pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict
pain on oneself.

 

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.

 

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the
damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

 

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down
behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

 

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn
on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

 

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never
goes off when you point it at yourself.

 

Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard
with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing
you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working
on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

 

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of
electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

 

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

 

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal
to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging
complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old
paint off the side of the house.

 

Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that
you accidentally built completely around yourself.

 

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
the job you're doing or offer advice.

 

 

"Hospital Bill"

 

 

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken
quickly in for coronary surgery.  The operation went
well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was
waiting by his bed.

 

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun,
gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however,
how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered
by insurance?"

 

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

 

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

 

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

 

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

 

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered.  "But she's
a humble spinster nun."

 

"Oh, I must correct you,  Mr. Smith.  Nuns are not 'spinsters;'
they are married to G~d."

 

"Wonderful," said Smith.  "In that case, please send the bill
to my brother-in-law."

 

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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