Detroit Driving
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut
in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for
the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange
construction barrels.
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Detroit driver never uses
them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car
in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you
in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with
the flow."
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of
getting hit.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Michigan is
a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks
in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For
those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the
last exit before the traffic begins to back up.
The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful
information. They are only there to make Detroit look high-tech and to
distract you from seeing the Troy police car parked in the median.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare
people entering the highway.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently
not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over
doesn't mean that a Detroit driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't
think he can go faster in your spot.
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour
traffic in Detroit.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.
Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing
litter from getting lonely, and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean
up.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Detroit is the home of high-speed slalom driving
thanks to MDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes
and keep them on their toes.
It is traditional in Detroit to honk your horn at cars that don't move the
instant the light changes.
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before
proceeding.
Remember that the goal of every Detroit driver is to get there first, by
whatever means necessary.
Real Detroit women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Heavy snow, ice, fogs, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously
listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural
selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. After
all, this is the "motor city" and we do have our priorities.