Quote from Forum Archives on April 11, 2006, 11:56 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Dining Out"

 

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience?  Someone else
cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was
chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a
laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a
chunk of cheese:

 

"Good evening," the maitre d' said. "Table for four?"

 

"Yes, Thank you."

 

"Smoking or non?"

 

"Non smoking."

 

"Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?"

 

"I guess indoors would be good."

 

"Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated
in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?"

 

"Uh, let me see...uh..."

 

"I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium."

 

"I think the solarium would be lovely," I said.

 

We followed him there...

 

"Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course,
the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?"

 

"Whatever you recommend," I said.

 

Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought.

 

He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains.  I
couldn't tell which because it was dark outside.

 

Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking than
any of us, presented himself at our table...

 

"Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening.
Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?"

 

"No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll
have the filet mignon and a baked potato."

 

"Soup, or salad?"

 

"Salad."

 

"We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive
salad with baby shrimp."

 

"Just a mixed-green salad, okay?"

 

"Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?"

 

I didn't want to make another decision...

 

"Whatever you've got will be fine."

 

"We have Creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island,
Honey Dijon and Ranch."

 

"Just bring me one. Surprise me."

 

"Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be
all right, sir?"

 

"Yeah."

 

I was curt. I was done with civility.

 

"And for your baked potato?"

 

I knew what was coming!

 

"I just want the baked potato dry, you understand?
I don't want anything on it."

 

"No butter? No sour cream?"

 

"No."

 

"No chives? No bacon chips ? "

 

"No! Don't you understand English? I don't want anything
on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak."

 

"Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?"

 

"Whatever."

 

"Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium
well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly
it for you."

 

"Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed."

 

"Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli,
creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, or diced carrots?"

 

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put
my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you
like to settle this outside?"

 

"Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the
side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?"

 

"I prefer right here."

 

Then I sucker-punched him: he ducked, then countered with
a left hook right under my eye.  It was the first time all night he
hadn't offered me a selection.

 

I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed
over and berated Pauly.

 

I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my
face.

 

When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned
maitre d' right in front of my nose.

 

He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics,
whatever I wanted.

 

"No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a
glass of water."

 

"Yes, sir, right away," he said.

 

"Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water,
or club soda with a wedge of lime?

 

 

"What the Teacher Says and What the Teacher Really Means"

 

 

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

 

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

 

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact
with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

 

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

 

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

 

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

 

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public
discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment
she creates a class argument).

 

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

 

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

 

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

 

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

 

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning
environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and
must repeat the 8th grade).

 

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

 

"Great Memory"

 

 

Ms Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the
discovery of America by Columbus.  She concluded with, "And all
this happened more than 500 years ago."

 

"Gosh!" exclaimed Little Johnny, "What a great memory you have!"

 

 

Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

 

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