Quote from Forum Archives on June 20, 2005, 11:10 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Don't Mess With Mom"

 

 

My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his
face. He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my
place.

 

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr.
Wright? It's all about the laws today, The 'Children's Bill
of Rights.'

 

It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to
wear.

 

I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.

 

I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like, get tattoos from head
to toe.

 

And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.

 

Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use, not for
your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.

 

Don't preach about your morals like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal
too!

 

Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence
me, or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known
as C.S.D."

 

Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little
more.

 

I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go. A smile
crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.

 

Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store. I
told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts &pants
galore.

 

I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't
care if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike
Airs.

 

I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best."

 

I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack
lunch.

 

Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine."

 

He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.

 

I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.

 

Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something
neat.

 

I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights', It's in effect
today!

 

Hey hot shot, are you crying, Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D..?"

 

 

"No Frill Airline"

 

 

Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline (sounds a bit like Easy Jet!)

 

1. You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

 

2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

 

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

 

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

 

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

 

6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

 

7. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

 

8. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

 

9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

 

"Favorite Police Emergency Calls"  

 

 

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one  
Caller: Hi, is this the police?  
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police
assistance?  
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you
tell me how  to cook a turkey? I've never cooked
one before.  

 

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of
your emergency?  
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my
phone doesn't  have an eleven on it.  

 

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.  
Caller: I thought you just said it was
nine-one-one  
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and
nine-eleven are the same thing.  
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of
your emergency?  
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart.  
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?  
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband  

 

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one  
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm
all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to
pass
out.  
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?  
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Damn....  
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.
Are you an asthmatic?  
Caller: No  
Dispatcher: What where you doing before
you started having trouble breathing?  
Caller: Running from the police

 

It was a very affectionate race. The horse hugged the rail, the jockey had his hands around the horse's neck, and I kissed my money good-bye.

 

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

 

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