Quote from Forum Archives on December 1, 2006, 9:13 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Early Shopping"

 

 

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"

 

"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.

 

"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.

 

"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"

 

"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!

 

 

"A Sign of the Times"

 

 

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

 

 

"Christmas Present"

 

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

 

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"

 

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

 

"And why did you take him?"

 

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

 

"Dear Darling Son & That Person You Married"

 

 

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.

 

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grand- children. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

 

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.

 

Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again.

 

I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.

 

I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

 

Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

 

Merry Christmas.

 

Love,     

Mom

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

 

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