First Football Game Friday

#1 · October 12, 2006, 5:57 pm

Quote from Forum Archives on October 12, 2006, 5:57 pm
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
"First Football Game"

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!

"Conceited New Rookie"



A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game.

The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going."

"Laws Of Golf"



LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and
eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent ...or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one,
sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day

Have a Blessed Weekend
Dave and Barbara

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Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"First Football Game"

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!

"Conceited New Rookie"

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game. He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game.

The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, "Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going."

"Laws Of Golf"

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and
eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent ...or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one,
sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day

Have a Blessed Weekend
Dave and Barbara

Necessary Legal Information

We do not mail clean-hewmor unsolicited. If you are receiving this newsletter from us it's because you have subscribed to this mailing list. If you receive this newsletter and are not a subscriber then someone, other than us, has forwarded it to you.

Normal Subscribe: clean-hewmor-subscribe@welovegod.org
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Clean-Hewmor is only as good as the humor YOU contribute.  Please take a few moments to send something funny so we can all get a good laugh! -- To unsubscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-unsubscribe@welovegod.org To subscribe, send ANY message to: clean-hewmor-subscribe@welovegod.org>