Fool's Driving Rules: How Many Do You See Everyday?
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
below the posted limit.
* When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
* If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family
members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other
drivers.
* Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure
everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.
* When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive
with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little
hand to keep the cargo from falling off.
* Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
* Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
* Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the
brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
* While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and
look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere
except out the front windshield.
*If you have a cell phone, use it as much as possible and pay
no attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the
phone up to your ear and pretend.
* Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside
obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
* When waiting in line at a drive-through bank, wait until you
are at the window before filling out the forms.
* Your car stereo should always be blasting music at approximately
900,000 dB.
* If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait
until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
* Multi-task! Read your newspaper, have breakfast, and if female,
put on your make-up while driving to work.
* Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the
top of your head and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel.
*If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of
a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
* If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take
advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.
* When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive
with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
* If you get lost in a residential neighborhood and need to turn
around, find a newly paved or sealed driveway to do so.
* When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles
pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
* When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make
sure that you park partially on someone's lawn.
* If you are a driving school instructor, make as many
appointments as possible during peak traffic times. Then inform
your students to drive real slow and not to worry about the "crazy
morons" on the road.
* After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your
car in front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for
a snack.
* When approaching a bicyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve
carelessly into oncoming traffic to go around it
* When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are
going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour
just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can
see you.
* Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so
you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
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A Hilbilly Translates Computer Terms
BAR CODE- The fightin' rules down at the local tavern.
CACHE- What you need when you run out of food stamps.
CHIPS- Pasture muffins you try NOT to step in.
DISKETTE- Female disco dancer.
HACKER- Uncle LeRoy after 32 years of smokin'.
HARDCOPY- Picture looked at when pickin' out a tattoo.
INTERNET- Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
KEYBOARD- Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MEGAHERTZ- How your head feels after too many beers.
MODEM- What you did when the weeds got too tall.
NETWORK- Scoopin' up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE- Where to stay when takin' a sobriety test.
ROM- Where the Pope lives.
SERIAL PORT- A red wine you drink for breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR- AmTrak's employee of the year.
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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