Quote from Forum Archives on November 5, 1999, 7:30 am

Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon
flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally
the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better
jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed
one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The
lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He
grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and
full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last
parachute and live in peace". The little boy handed the parachute back to the
priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took
off with my back pack."

You might be a Yankee if.......

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire Sauce" correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. None of your fur coats are homemade
7. You've never, ever, eaten okra.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You can't do your laundry without quarters.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same
prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own
TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all", you call them "you
guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think that more money should go to important scientific research at
your university, than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an
on-ramp on the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the
road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye
Ellen, Billy Ray, Bubba Dean, Joe Don, Mary Alice, et al)
28a. You know what "et al" means.
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You've never been to a craft show.
31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

The top 33 things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say ever, no matter how much
they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no
matter how much the skunks are threatening...

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. Duct tape won't fix that.
3. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
4. Elvis who?
5. We don't keep firearms in this house.
6. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
7. You can't feed that to the dog.
8. I thought Graceland was tacky.
9. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
10. Wrasslin's fake.
11. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
12. We're vegetarians.
13. Do you think my hair is too big?
14. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
15. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
16. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
17. Deer heads detract from the decor.
18. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
19. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
20. Trim the fat off that steak.
21. The tires on that truck are too big.
22. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
23. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
24. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
25. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
26. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
27. Checkmate.
28. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
29. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
30. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.