Good Friday Humor
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>
Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is painted with camouflage paint.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gun-rack mounted on the CPU.
5. The password is "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to emphasize that I am not a
redneck.
8. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. John Deere Pocket Protectors are lying about.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos
playing in the background.
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A man who was an avid golfer finally got a once in a lifetime chance for an
audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he got to the Pope
and said, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I
love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven.
Can you tell me if there is?"
The Pope considered for a moment, and replied, "I do not know the answer to your
question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back with you."
The next day, the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive
the answer to his question. He stood before the Pope, who said, "My son, I have
some good news, and some bad news, in relation to your question. The good news
is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is
in eternally perfect shape. It puts all courses on earth to shame...
"The bad news is that you have a tee time for tomorrow morning."
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CAT DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded... must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed
(again).
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation,
incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...
Hmmm. Not working according to plan .
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy
chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit
of flesh under my claws.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
tempting aroma of the glass tubes they call "milkshakes". More importantly, I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously
a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has
mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with
them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.