How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose and was now glad to reject! You drove them from me, You who are the true, the sovereign joy. You drove them from me and took their place, You who are sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and blood, You who outshine all light yet are hidden deeper than any secret in our hearts, You who surpass all honor though not in the eyes of men who see all honor in themselves. At last my mind was free from the gnawing anxieties of ambition and gain, from wallowing in filth and scratching the itching sore of lust. I began to talk to you freely, O Lord my God, my Light, my Wealth, and my Salvation.
Augustine

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Heaven Vs. Wal-Mart Friday

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#1 · September 16, 2004, 4:04 pm

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

Heaven Vs. Wal-Mart   
 
 
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.
Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed
between the kingdom of Heaven and the
Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.
 
Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter
greets you at the automatic doors
 
Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
 
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire
 
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
 
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting
for a price check on diapers
 
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
 
Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices
 
Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

 
Calling in Sick    
 
 
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. 
 
We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.
 
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was wrong. 
 
When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our
suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
 
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
 
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
 
 
Dentist Appointment   
 
 
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office
and asks how much it will cost to extract
wisdom teeth.
 
"$130 dollars," the dentist says.
 
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
 
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an
anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $100.00,
but it would be very painful"
 
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
 
"Okay," says the dentist. "I can save time
if instead of using my normal surgical
procedure, I simply rip the teeth out with a
pair of pliers. I could get away with charging
$50.00"
 
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
 
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head.
"If I let one of my students do it for the experience,
I suppose I could charge you just $25.00"
 
"Marvellous," says the man, "book an appointment
for my wife next week!"
 
     
 
Have a Blessed Day 
Dave and Barbara 
 
 
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