Quote from Forum Archives on July 19, 2006, 9:52 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"Heavenly Voice Mail"

     

          
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

 

Thank you for calling heaven.

 

For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

 

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

 

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

 

If you would like to speak to:

 

God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

 

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

 

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

 

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

 

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

 

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

 

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

 

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

 

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

 

"GOD"

 

      

Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down there on the
planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a
perfect no-maintenance garden plan.Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon.The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies,
honeybees and flocks of songbirds.I expected to
see a vast garden of colors by now.But, all I see
are these green rectangles.
 
St. FRANCIS;
It's the tribes that settled there,
Lord.The Suburbanites.They started calling your
flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.
 
GOD:
Grass?But, it's so boring.  It's not
colorful.It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and
bees; only grubs and sod worms.It's sensitive to
temperatures.Do these Suburbanites really want all
that grass growing there?
 
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord.They go to great
pains to grow it and keep it green.They begin each
spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other
plant that crops up in the lawn.
 
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really f ast.That must make the
Suburbanites happy.

 

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord.As soon as it
grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
 
GOD:

They cut it?  Do they then bail it like hay?
 
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord.Most of them rake
it up and put it in bags.

 

GOD:

They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop? Do they
sell it?
 
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite.They pay
to throw it away.
 
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight.They fertilize
grass so it will grow.And, when it does grow, they
cut it off and pay to throw it away?
 
ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

 

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the
heat.That surely slows the growth and saves them a
lot of work.
 
ST. FRANCIS: 

You aren't going to believe this,
Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they
drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. 

 

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the
trees. That was a sheer st roke of genius, if I do
say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the
autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the
trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life. 

 

ST, FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord.The
Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.As soon as
the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and
pay to have them hauled away. 
 
GOD:
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and
loose?

 

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they
go out and buy something which they call mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.

 

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

 

ST FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up
to make the mulch.

 

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this
anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the
arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
 
ST. CATHERINE:
"Dumb and Dumber", Lord.  It's a
story about....
 
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
story from St Francis.

 

 

"For Crying Out Loud"

 

 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

 

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one of them asked.

 

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

 

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

 

"No, not yet," said the mother.

 

A while later and again the guests asked, "May we see the baby now?"

 

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

 

Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

 

"When it cries!" she told them.

 

"When it cries?" they gasped. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

 

"Because, I forgot where I put it."

 

 

Have a blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 

  

 

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