Helpful Holiday Diet Tips
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out
3. If you eat standing up, it doesn't count!
4. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards
5. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count
6, Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage cause calorie leakage
7. Food used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes: any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream
8. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount
9. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes: Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
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~~~ CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY ~~~
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees toapprove the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
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~~~ Owed to the Spell Checker ~~~
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two noIts
letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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