Holy Humor
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
1. There was a church that had problems with
outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up
a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY
Trespassers will be baptized!
2. "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."
3. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins."
5. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands
holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments
are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast,
fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
7. When the restaurant next to another Church put out
a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays,"
the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are
open on Sundays, too."
8. "People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are."
9. "Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
10. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?"
11. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
12. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long
and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this
world."
13. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
14. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
15. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
16. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
17. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal fire insurance soon."
18. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" (U R)
19. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
20. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
21. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
**************
Here Are Real Classified Ads That Didn't Quite Work!
1. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
2. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
3. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
4. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
5. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
6. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
7. Dog for sale: eats anything and is especially fond of children.
8. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
9. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
10. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
11. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
12. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
13. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
14. For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
15. Man, honest. Will take anything.
16. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
17. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
18. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
19. 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
20. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
21. Sign in a cosmetician's shop window: Complete skin, nail, and hair removal service.
**************
What Does It Mean
My nephew, who has just started the first grade,
was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments.
Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not
commit adultery," he was asked what this
commandment meant.
With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means
that you shouldn't want to become an adult."
**************
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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