Quote from Forum Archives on October 25, 2006, 8:41 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

"I Needed a Job"

 

 

 

My Resume

 

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

 

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

 

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

 

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

 

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

 

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

 

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

 

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

 

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

 

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

 

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

"PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED"

 

            

 

1.  I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

 

2.  I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

 

3.  I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

 

4.  I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

 

5.  I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

 

6.  I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

 

7.  If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

 

8.  I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

 

9.  I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

 

10. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

 

"Real 911 Calls"

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

 

Have a Blessed Day

Dave and Barbara

 

 

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