In-Flight Announcements
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of
us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft
is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave
the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck
everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which
one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching
to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane has to clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with
a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said
the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting though the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of us here at US Airways.".