My deacons know well enough how, when I first preached in Exeter Hall, there was scarcely ever an occasion in which they left me alone for ten minutes before the service, but they would find me in a most fearful state of sickness, produced by that tremendous thought of my solemn responsibility. I am compelled to put my responsibilities where I put my sins, on the back of the Lord Jesus Christ.
C.H. Spurgeon

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Inflight Announcements

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#1 · January 27, 2004, 10:50 am

Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>

 
Inflight Announcements

The in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements can be a bit more
entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

*****************************
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
*****************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
*******************************
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane"
****************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
*******************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as heck everything has shifted."
**********************************
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
***************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."
*****************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
***********************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
*********************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
**************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect  landing. "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
***************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we
shot down?"
*******************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
************************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."
***********************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"
******************************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
******************************************************
 
Things You Never Hear A Father Say 
      
"Well how about that?.....I'm lost!  Looks like
we'll have to stop for and ask for directions.

You know pumpkin, now that you are thirteen,
you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates.
Won't that be fun?

Here's a credit card and the keys to my new
car---GO CRAZY

What do you mean you want to play football?
Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...
you might want to consider throwing a party.

Well, I don't know what's wrong with the car.
Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--
you know--that makes it run or something.
We'll just have to have it towed to a mechanic
and pay whatever he asks.

Whaddya wanna go and get a job for?  I make
plenty of money for you to spend.

 
 
Unique Breakfast 

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant
that read Unique Breakfast so he walked in and sat
down.

The waitress  brought him his coffee and asked him
what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken!
Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would
never even consider eating anything that came out of
a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like,
then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

 
 
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara

 
 
 

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