Kitchen Philosophy
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen
and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot
while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash
and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat,
then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out!
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten
in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen
just vending machines.
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***Pay For It ***
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar
and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't
think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have
any money, but if I show you something
you haven't seen before, will you give
me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you
show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into
his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar and it
runs to the end of bar, down the bar,
across the room, up the piano, jumps
on the key board and starts playing
Gershwin songs. And the hamster is
really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've
never seen anything like that before.
That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the
bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink",
says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and
pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the
bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has
a marvelous voice and great pitch. A
fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him
$300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes
the three hundred and gives the stranger
the frog.
The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy "Are you
some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog
for $300? It must have been worth millions.
You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
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***Executive Decision***
A hardworking female executive dies and
meets St. Peter at the pearly gates
and he says, "You've shown an outstanding
aptitude for making business decisions.
Choose whether you will go to heaven
or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.
"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can
have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in
hell. Then you have to decide where to
spend eternity."
"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with
heaven since I'm here already."
She goes in the pearly gates and makes
some acquaintances. They have a nice
walk among beautiful gardens. They have
a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice
stroll along a pristine, white, sandy
beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean.
At the end of the day she is shown to a nice
room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony,
looking out over the setting sun and the
ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty
of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her
to the fiery gates of hell and hands
her off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given
in her honor. Then she is escorted to a
tennis club where she is greeted by her
old boss, some co-workers, and previous
business acquaintances. She plays a few
sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip.
At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a
gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent
meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive
golf course and they play 18 holes of golf.
She runs into other business acquaintances
and catches up on news and gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where
she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and
body treatments. When she is finished at
the spa, an acquaintance takes her
shopping at designer stores. She picks out
a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself
takes her to a huge party with drinking,
dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo
drops her off at a five-star hotel. As
she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips
the complimentary champagne, she ponders
eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at
the pearly gates.
"Well, have you made your decision?"
He asks.
"I've decided on hell," she announces.
"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and
she reappears before the fiery gates
of hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her
old boss again, only this time everyone
is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased,
malnourished, and living in a barren
desert. They have to scrounge for food,
water, clothing, even shade.
"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.
"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you
were a recruit. Today you are staff."
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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