Knocking on Heavens Door
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
Three people were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"
"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.
St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"
"It's me, Charlie Jones."
And St. Peter let him in. He finally asked the third one, "Who's there?"
"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.
"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."
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God's Laws
When Moses went up to the Sinai to receive the oral explanation of God's laws, he was quite confused with the commandment "Do not boil a calf in it's mother's milk".
Moses (Perplexed): I don't quite understand this line about boiling a calf in it's mothers milk. What does it mean?
God: It means, don't boil a calf in it's mother's milk.
Moses thinks for a while and replies: Oh I get it, it means that we shouldn't eat meat products and dairy products on the same plate.
God: No, it means don't boil a calf in it's mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, I get it. We should have a separate set of dishes for dairy and meat products.
God: No, it means don't boil a calf in it's mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, I see. It means we should wait an appropriate amount of time after eating flesh before we can intake of milk or any dairy product. But fish is o.k. since it doesn't give milk.
God: No, it means don't boil a calf in it's mother's milk.
Moses: What about chicken? it doesn't give milk but it sort of tastes like the flesh of a milk producing beast?
God: MOSES! IT MEANS DON'T BOIL A CALF IN IT'S MOTHER'S MILK!
Moses: OK I think I got it all now. We should have a separate set of cooking and eating utensils for meat and dairy products. After partaking of meat we should wait an appropriate amount of time before we partake of any dairy products. Fish should not be considered as meat since it doesn't give milk. Chicken, on the other hand should be considered as meat even though it doesn't produce milk since it tastes a lot like it does.
God: Have it your way.
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Holy Humor
"Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
"People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
"God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. . . He came out all right."
"How will you spend eternity?
Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!"
"Economic Forecast: It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. . . Talk to the Shepherd."
Have A Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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