Letter From The North Pole Committee
Posted by: bigguyhereagain <bigguyhereagain@...>
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North
Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order could not sit idly by and permit
further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of
a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been
cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not
be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak
that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is
known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place
in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the French]
The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they
talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have
negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification
into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three
geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets
will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes
and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is
being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do
the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee
to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen.
While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are
significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen
this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to
see if seven dwarfs is the right number. Happy Holidays!
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~~~ CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD ~~~
Dear God:
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is
nothing good in there now.
Ginny
-------------------
Dear God:
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I
never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce
-------------------
Dear Mr. God:
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to
have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
-------------------
Dear God:
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton -
because I hate her.
Denise
------------------
Dear God:
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you
will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).
------------------
Dear God:
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love,
Alison
------------------
Dear God:
How did you know you were God?
Charlene
------------------
Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling
words in the house?
Anita
------------------
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do
it.
Nan
-----------------
Dear God:
Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you
did then I'm going to fix my brother.
Darla
----------------
Dear God:
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really
made up some good ones.
Glenn
-----------------
Dear God:
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back
do you go?
Love,
Dennis
-----------------
Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan
-----------------
Dear God:
It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up
sometimes?
Arnold
-----------------
Dear God:
Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
-----------------
Dear God:
In Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
------------------
Dear God:
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane
------------------
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't
do any now?
Seymour
------------------
Dear God:
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.
Peter
-----------------
Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their
own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
-----------------
Dear God:
I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget.
Mark
-----------------
Dear God:
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
Dean
-----------------
Dear God:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
Marsha
-----------------
Dear God:
If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.
-----------------
Dear God:
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through
business?
Donny
-----------------
Dear God:
In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on
vacation?
Jane
-----------------
Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said
you did it. So I bet he stole your Idea.
Sincerely,
Donna
-----------------
Dear God:
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to
know but I am not just saying that because you are God.
Charles
-----------------
Dear God:
It is great the way you always get the stars in the right places.
Jeff
-----------------
Dear God:
I am doing the best I can.
Frank
-----------------
Dear God:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
Eugene
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~~~ Christmas Carols ~~~
Alfie had been listening to his sister
practicing her singing. "Sis," he said,
"I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"That's nice of you, Alfie," she said.
"Why?"
"Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
Have a Blessed Day
Dave and Barbara
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