Life's laws

#1 · October 6, 1999, 7:53 am

Quote from Forum Archives on October 6, 1999, 7:53 am
Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>

Life's Laws

1.The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3.Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4.Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this cow pucky before.
5.Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If
they're OK, you're it.
6.Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7.A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8.Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9.If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
10.Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
11.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
12.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
13.Mother's Law: Young children can't fall off the floor.
14.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average
man can see better than he can think.
15.Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16.Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
17.Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.
18.Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
19.Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak?
20.If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
21.Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is
dead?
22.Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?
23.Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
24.Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
25.Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?
26.Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
27.Sponges grow in the ocean.... That kills me! I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if THAT didn't happen?
28.Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
29.Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
30.If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
31.Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
32.Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33.Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adulthood?
34.How do I set my laser printer on stun?
35.How is it possible to have a civil war?
36.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37.If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38.If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39.If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
40.If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
41.If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
42.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
43.Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
44.Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
45.Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
46.If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
47.Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
48.If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone
just move 10 miles away?
49.Why are they called apartments, when they are stuck together?
50.Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
51.When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? Didn't
they nearly hit?
52.How come abbreviated is such a long word?
53.If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
54.How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?
55.If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then what is opposite of progress?
56.Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
57.Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
58.I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59.I went to a cosmetic counter, and saw these little bottles of perfumes in a
basket, I asked the lady behind the counter "Are these things free?", at which
she replied, "Free with any purchase." I said, "Did anyone BUY anything today?"

Posted by: clean-hewmor <clean-hewmor@...>

Life's Laws

1.The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3.Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4.Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this cow pucky before.
5.Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If
they're OK, you're it.
6.Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7.A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8.Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9.If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
10.Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
11.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
12.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
13.Mother's Law: Young children can't fall off the floor.
14.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average
man can see better than he can think.
15.Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16.Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
17.Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.
18.Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
19.Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak?
20.If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
21.Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is
dead?
22.Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?
23.Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
24.Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
25.Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?
26.Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
27.Sponges grow in the ocean.... That kills me! I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if THAT didn't happen?
28.Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
29.Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
30.If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
31.Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
32.Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33.Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adulthood?
34.How do I set my laser printer on stun?
35.How is it possible to have a civil war?
36.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37.If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38.If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39.If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
40.If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
41.If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
42.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
43.Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
44.Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
45.Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
46.If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why
isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
47.Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
48.If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone
just move 10 miles away?
49.Why are they called apartments, when they are stuck together?
50.Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
51.When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? Didn't
they nearly hit?
52.How come abbreviated is such a long word?
53.If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
54.How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when
someone threw a gun at him?
55.If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then what is opposite of progress?
56.Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
57.Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
58.I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59.I went to a cosmetic counter, and saw these little bottles of perfumes in a
basket, I asked the lady behind the counter "Are these things free?", at which
she replied, "Free with any purchase." I said, "Did anyone BUY anything today?"